FREEDOM

[nka bracket 'to dahil di tlga to ksama sa post ... bale ie-explain ko lang ... kaya (whew! di aq mkahinga ng maayos) ... pasenxa na... gusto ko sana mag-post ng english kaso bka maligaw ako sa grammar ... feeling ko mas maipapaliwanag 'ko to ng maayos kung di binabantayan ang grammar. pero ang rule ay rule kaya dapat lang sundin (nanginginig yung kamay ko, di aq mkapag type) about sana sa serial killer ung post na 'to e ... kaso, naiba (ung puso ko ang weird ng tibok, nanlalamig ung buong katawan ko) ndi talaga ko marunong madala ... (naiiyak na 'ko) *sigh* ngaun ndi ko na alam kung pano sisimulan 'to ... bahala na, feeling ko lang kasi pag hindi ko nilabas 'to ngaun ... uusigin aq nto sa loob ng mahabang panahon, ndi ko yata kaya un]



it's been months since i first tasted the sweet flavor of freedom.
it is infact addictive.

it's as if i died and had been reborn.

road to freedom was not easy though,
it required tons of tears, heartbreaking decisions and the most unfortunate part of all
it required me to hurt people, people whom i loved so much.


i woke up one day tired of everything, tired of the same old routine.
my days are parallel.
i feel as if i was a lifeless being, thrown in the river so-called "life" bound to follow the current for eternity.

it was then i decided to stop following.
i wanted to live my life.
and so, i laid out a plan ...
my sweet escape.

i've made up my mind
i will leave everything behind.
if that's what it takes, then i'm willing to sacrifice.

slowly ... i was drifting away,
none of them seemed to notice.
the plan was perfect
well at least it was ...



...until



i realized that something's holding me back.
i was a few inches away from my sweet ecsape ... a few inches, but i still couldn't reach it.

i needed to cut it off.
whatever it is,
i needed to cut it off.
i've come too far to give up just like that.
i have reached the point of no return.
there's no turning back now ...
there's nothing left for me to do but to push forward.

i've already done lot of terrible things just to get the freedom i think i deserve.
i'd probably go to hell for that so what's one more right?

i have to do what i have to do ...
i decieved and misled people.
i weaved a web of metaphor to cover up my lies.
yes, i did say the truth...
the twisted truths.
twisted to fit my story.

the plan was brilliant,
i did escape on time.
the summer of 2008
was my new birthday.

i remember the night before my escape
i kept everything inside a box.
all the mementoes, everything that would lure me into coming back.

i did a lot of things,
stepped in people's toes,
messed with people's minds.
i practically sold my soul to the devil.

i wouldn't waste that just because of a picture, or a birthday card, or a letter, or a personalized anklet that says "friends forever" made by my bestfriend ...
so i put them all inside a box, tied it with a black ribbon and threw it in the river.

i WAS free ...

but fate was cruel to me.
quarter of a year had passed i was getting used to my new life ...
i found the box.

i couldn't resist.
i opened it.
suddenly, i remembered everything.
every faded memories was clear again.

now i can't remember why i wanted to forget all about those things,
why the hell did i leave?

i came back to see how they were.
...
yup! they're fine ... they moved on.
they're healing ...

and that made me feel a lot better.
i thought it wasn't that bad after all.
they did recover in a short period of time.

yup! the taste of freedom is infact addictive.

i checked on them, they're happy now
and so was i.
a few more weeks and will face a new chapter of my life.
this time i brought the box with me.
i'm no longer afraid of the memories.

for the last time, i went to see them,
paricularly him. i wanted to really say goodbye. but i can't.

i should've made my final glance and walked away but i didn't.
i chose stay for a few more seconds.
then, i learned about his pain.
the pain that almost made him give up.

i saw his scar and it poked me right throught the heart.
time passed too slow, it's as if the timekeeper is doing it on purose to prolong my pain.
to mock me.
just like what i did to him.

he is happy now.
that should make be feel better but it didn't.
i did a lot of things and they're catching up on me now.

i am truly remorseful for what i did
but it's over and done.
i can't undo them anymore.

the pain that i might've caused him may cripple me and it may haunt me for a long time,
but it won't kill me.

my consience will sure punish me ...
it will hurt, i know.

yup! the taste of freedom is infact addictive...

at least i have that.

i came back.
i realized how much i needed those same old routines
i missed the simplicity of my everyday life.

i was wounded.
learning how much i've hurt them smashed my heart.

my soul was tortured
from the truth i chose to bend,
from the lies i chose to say.

these people that i left behind ...
they will take me back
i know it.
i feel it.

everything could go back to normal
it will.
i know.


[i tried my best ah! ... pasenxa na kung medyo magulo ... hirap nmn kse e]

[nka bracket 'to dahil di tlga to ksama sa post ... bale ie-explain ko lang ... kaya (whew! di aq mkahinga ng maayos) ... pasenxa na... gusto ko sana mag-post ng english kaso bka maligaw ako sa grammar ... feeling ko mas maipapaliwanag 'ko to ng maayos kung di binabantayan ang grammar. pero ang rule ay rule kaya dapat lang sundin (nanginginig yung kamay ko, di aq mkapag type) about sana sa serial killer ung post na 'to e ... kaso, naiba (ung puso ko ang weird ng tibok, nanlalamig ung buong katawan ko) ndi talaga ko marunong madala ... (naiiyak na 'ko) *sigh* ngaun ndi ko na alam kung pano sisimulan 'to ... bahala na, feeling ko lang kasi pag hindi ko nilabas 'to ngaun ... uusigin aq nto sa loob ng mahabang panahon, ndi ko yata kaya un]

...
hehehe pinipilit kong ayusin yung grammar ... hindi umuubra
may fine ba 'to?
sige bahala na
kung peace of mind naman ang kapalit ... i'm willing to pay the price.

hindi ko nga rin alam kung bakit ko to ipo-post ...
masyadong personal,
masyadong sensitive ...
awkward masyado ...

sa totoo lang naiisip ko rin na mapu2nta nanaman sa drafts to tulad ng ibang mga posts.
hay! ishe-share ko ba talaga 'to sa inyo???
...
cguro ...
ewan ko ...

paligoy-ligoy na q mxado ...

nasan na ang "happy" sa HAPPY BIRTHDAY ko???

tenent-tenententen ...
happy happy happy birthday!!!!


hay birthdays! ...
kung bata ka pa ma e-excite ka sa araw na yan
pero kung tamatanda na ... hay nku!

pero ano ba tlgang meron sa birthday?, bakit ba nagiging special?

noon iniisip ko na may cosmic law or something na nagsasaad na dapat masaya ka pag birthday mo ...

ewan ko ba ... lagi kong iniisip nun na pag birthday ko, pinagbabawal ng saligang batas na malasin ako twing sasapit ang itinakdang araw na iyon ...

SPECIAL AKO TUWING AUGUST 5!!!
araw ko yun! akin, kaya dapat ako ang itinatangi at pinagpapala!!!

high school na q nung napagtanto ko na ilang bilyon pla kaming nag be-birthday sa araw na yon ... pano na yan? ... pano pa 'ko itatangi ng kataastaasan nyan?

medyo nabahala ako nung una, kaso na-realize ko ... problema ba yun? ... edi mag share! .. lahat na lng kami natatangi ... edi everybody happy!!!


kaya ganun, hindi ko pa rin tinigil yung pantasya ko na itinakda ng panahon na maging espesyal kami, kami na nag se-celebrate ng araw ng kapanganakan namin!!!
taon-taon inaabangan ko 'tong araw na 'to umaasa na may magandang mangyayari ...
something unusual, ung tipo bang magiging one exciting twist, twist na babago sa lahat.

pero taon-taon din i end up being disappointed ...
masaya, pero parang laging may kulang pa
meron akong hinahanap pero di q alam kung ano ...

naaalala ko,
yung 16th b-day q pinuntahan q ung mga barkada ko ... nag-celebrate kami kahit sandali lang ... masaya ako nun ... pero pagkatapos, parang may kulang pa ...
kaya ayun natapos ang birthday ko na disappointed ako at nagtataka, nagiisip kung ano ba ung kulang ...

yung 17th b-day ko naman, nangangarag ako habang nag e-exam sa U.P. exam na nakatulugan ko rin naman ... kaya ayun ang ending bagsak! ...
dahil alam ko na disaster ang exam ko ...
natapos ulit ang itinakdang araw na malungkot ako at disapponted

18th b-day naman ... ayun, libing ni lolo ... halos itinulog ko lang ung araw na un ... di kse aq makakita ng dahilan para mag celebrate pa ... wala man lang ni isa sa mga barkada ko yung kasama ko ... gusto ko sana andun din sila ... para kahit pano
sumaya ako kahit konti lng ...
ayun, natapos ung ar aw na un na pagod, mugto ang mata, malungkot at disappointed nanaman ako ...

eto na nga ...
19th b-day ko ... nakakatawa dahil hanggang ngayon umaasa pa rin ako sa cosmic law na gawa-gawa ng utak ko ...
ayun, masaya naman ako ... masaya ako pero malungkot din ... feeling ko may kulang pa
lagi na lang may kulang ...


nakaka-lungkot ... cosmic law, cosmic law!
ilang taon din akong umasa sayo ...
para akong gago!
kasi hanggang ngayon naniniwala pa rin ako cosmic law na yan
at na di-disappoint ako dahil dun ...

na-realize ko lang nung may nagsabi sakin na hindi espesyal ang birthday!
isang araw lang un sa kalendaryo na nagsasabing HOY TUAMATANDA KA NA!!!

na isip ko ... oo nga noh!
sa wakas, after 12 yrs nalaman ko na rin kung ano ung nawawala ...

ano nga ba un???

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edi wala!
masyado lang akong maraming ine-expect
kaya parang laging may kulang

pumunta ko sa office ni mama hoping na swerterhin ...
tae! wala pa rin ...
umuwi ako ... chineck ko yung cellphone ...
walang man lng nag text!
cguro nga ... talagang ndi totoo ang cosmic law!

kaya umupo ako sa isang tabi ... nagisip saglit ...
at napag desisyunan ko na kalimutan na ang cosmic law

LINTIK KANG COSMIC LAW KA!!!
YOU TOOK AWAY "HAPPY" IN MY HAPPY BIRTHDAY