YOU'RE NOT GOOD FOR MY EGO!

fish have eyes

so ... i woke up today with throbbing temples but for some weird reasons ... Bipolar (and yes I sort of refer it as a person) seems to be on my good side

as soon as i woke up ... i just felt ... happy.

laughed my ass of at everything they said.

mama asked scarlet to buy 10 kilos of rice ... I LOLed

mama asked me to go the market ... I LOLed (i hate going to the market if it's a bad bipolar day today ... no one could've talked to me all morning) she even asked me to buy fish ... no one could ever (on normal circumstances) make me buy fish ... not on that market anyway. ... i don't mind the smell or something like that ...it's just that it's so slippery in there. one wrong move ... just one wrong freaking step and you're doomed. ... it's like when i'm there i feel like .... (no offense, LOVE YOU JEN LAB LAB LAB LAB LAB!!!!!) umm, yeah jen (LAB LAB LAB)

anyway,

surprisingly, i just asked for the money and go ...

so ... getting to the real story ...

i went down on the fish section of commonwealth market, careful with every step.

i looked two specific kinds of fish -- tilapia and galunggong. ... just that then i'll be outta there in no time. one more thing i hate about buying fish is that ... i don't know what's fresh or what isn't, so when i saw live tilapia i felt like my problem is solved. ... no way that fish isn't fresh ... it's jumping right in front of me.

so i told the manong i wanted to buy the live ones ... i couldn't get myself to touch them so the manong did it for me. when he'd put them on the weighing scale one jumped out and almost landed on my face ... for a second or two i swear to god it was looking at me. OH MY GOD!!! i shrieked.

it landed on the silver table and the manong got a hold of it. then he asked me. lilinisin ba?(should i clean it?) i was speechless, i can feel the fish's wrath. i guess i nodded because he started chopping it's tail and fins off.

it's like murder happening in front of me, my heart began to pound crazily in my chest. i flinch every time the butcher's knife dropped on the chopping board.

then my eyes, i don't know why but, they involuntarily glanced at the fish who jumped ... he was the last to be cleaned. ...

he was lying there on his side breathing heavily, looking at me.

for a second it seems like he's crying in anger ... i know that's crazy talk but ... it just ... seemed that way. ...

it's like in his mind it's saying "oh you sadist BITCH!!! you just wanna watch him chop us off do you? you're just so entertained watching him pull all our guts out! ... "

but i wasn't, i swear to god i wasn't entertained at all.

i felt bad ... almost like crying ... but i sucked it up ... I've been cooking fish for a long time and I've never been bothered by the way their eyes seem to have that accusatory look.

the manong handed me the plastic and fish was still moving wildly inside. it's impossible, it has to be dead. it was skinned, fins and tail were chopped off, guts all taken out. it has to be dead. ... postmortem twitch perhaps?

i've never been so uncomfortable in a market before ... suddenly it seemed like they're all looking at me ... all of them, millions of eyes with that accusatory look. ... blaming me for buying that fish ... for letting that manong kill them brutally ...

then i remembered that clip where the chefs have to cook the fish alive, fry them, cut them open and stuff like that ... then i remembered what i said to my shocked classmates ...

"they dont even remember the pain ... they only have 10 seconds of memory ... so really it's not that brutal"

i tried telling that to myself .. but it didn't work ... nothing worked ...

except the look on people's faces when they ate my fish lumpia ...

i secretly wished that i can have my classmates taste it. ... no one had ever been as apprecayive as they were about my cooking ... and it made me happy ...

... for a while there, i thought i'd never be able to eat fish ever! ... but then i realized how stupid that was ... guess i just won't buy the live ones ... or at least turn my back when they're getting cleaned.

not accessible ... not available ... FUCKING WRONG NUMBER!!!

nakalimtuan ko yung number mo. hindi ko alam kung bakit nagkaganun.

makakalimutan ko lng un kng mkakalimutan ko ung sarili naming landline.

makakalimutan ko sarili kong cellphone number pero hindi ung landline mo.

ung landline mo. ung landline moooo!!!!!

bakit ko nakalimutan??? gusto ko ng kausap, bakit ko nakalimutan????

meron akong naalala ... naaalala mo rin ba un minsan?

isang araw bgla na lang tumawag ako sayo para itanong kung may problema ka ... tpos meron nga.

sabi mo pano ko nalaman ... ako nmn ang sabi ko, ... syempre.

ganun lng ... elib na elib ako sa sarili ko nun e ... as if na-feel ko nga talaga ung kalungkutan mo from caloocan to quezon city ...

it was a wild guess

pero ... gsto ko magaling ako ... kaya sabi ko "na-feel ko lang"

but i'm glad i called you. ... kse may problema ka nun e ...

kse minsan ko lang magawa un ... most of the time ikaw ung nakikinig sa senseless blabbings ko.

alam mo ba ... medyo nag mist ung mata ko nung tumawag ka "para kung i-check kung galit ba 'ko sa mundo ngaun" ... honestly di ko na alam kung dahil lang ba nagluluto ako nun at naghihiwa ng sibuyas or what ... hindi ako galit sa mundo nun ... pero thanks for checking.

ano na nga ba ung landline mo?

ung landline mo

ung landline mooooooooooo???

hinsi ko matandaan ung landline mo

not accessible

not available

LAND LINE NUMBER MO??????????????????

ANO ANO ANO ANO ANO ANO ANO ANO ANO ANO ANO ANO ANO ANO ANO ANO

bakit naman kse ngaun ko pa nakalimutan???????

GSTO KITA KAUSAPIN ................

please naman utak alalahanin mo na kse ung number .... pito lng naman un e ... memorized mo na un e ... bakit mo ba nakalimutan???

two weeks more of this???

jr;[

[;rsdr!!!

upi jsbr mp ofra kidt jpe ,ivj o mrrf upit jr;[.

eju fp o diffrm;u esmt yp kpom yjsy v;in?

knowing their secrets, for some strange reasons, made my eyes water up.

i felt weird ... i think, i felt jealous ... somehow.

paranoia has eaten the better part of my brain, i guess.

i bet it's not easy for them either.

i wonder, did they cry when they types those words ... when suddenly it has to be said. ... to the world ... knowing how judgmental the world could get sometimes.

how did they feel after?

relieved? would i feel the same after?

or ... i don't know. maybe feel worse than ever.

i'm scared.

afraid that letting it out would make it real.

two weeks from now i'll be kissing my bi polar summer goodbye.

i really wanna be done with it ... really really do.

jpe yp dysty, jpe yp dysty???????

,sunr ejsy o', ,pdy sgtsof pg od yjsy ... ejrm o goms;;u grrl yjsy mrrf yp im;psf yjod nitfrn ...

o';; jsbr s noh gsy 'you cannot fathom the immensity of the fuck I do not give' esyomh yp nr d;s,,rf pm ,u gsvr.

o hirdd ejsy o', tr;;u sgtsif pg .... od gomfomh piy yjsy mpnpfu hobrd s fs,m

o mrrf jr;[ ... smf oy'd mpy rsdu yp sf,oy yjsy

niy o hirdd s di,,rt pg no-[p;st jsd goms;;y ,sfr ,r sf,oy oy yp ,udr;g ...

ejsy og oy'd mpy trs;;u yjsy noh pg s frsl? ... ejsy og ys;lomh snpiy oy epi;f kidy ,slr yjomhd drr, ;olr ... what if i'd been simply exaggerating all along? ... what if i wasn't?

eju vsm'y o dsu oy????? eju yjr jr;; mpy!!??!!

i'mtired...evenwithcodesonistillcan'tsayitdamn.