HOPEFUL (pathetic in a sugarcoat)

for months she had been whining like a bitch because he keeps on ignoring her.
she even felt that he's trying to avoid her or something ...
finally ... she found a perfect way to keep in touch with him ...
she's helping him ... haha he NEEDS her now ...
great! maybe now he'll have the time to talk to her
that's what she thought ...

he needed her help and yet he waits for her to approach him first.
it seems like he only has time to talk to her when he needs her.
during chats he would suddenly go offline without even saying goodbye or something like that.
she felt bad .... really really bad ...

she know she doesn't have any right or whatsoever to feel that way.
he never said anything to mislead her or anything like that.
...
she should stop making herself feel miserable over something that does not exist.
... so she tried ...
tried to stop thinking about imaginary things
end those make beliefs ... just stop liking him ...

... then ...
he sent her a message ... ofcourse it's about the favor he's asking ...
(well ... he didn't actually ask for it ... she voulnteered to help)

she replied.

he sent another message.

she replied again .... and so on ...



she tried so hard to control her excitement ...

ye'ey ... they're talking again ...

but again, those are just empty conversations she pathetically filled with all the sugar coated candies she made up in hear head.

out of her stupidity ... she made herself even more miserable and pathetic.

feel free to mock me. (you know you want to ... coz i do)

maybe i'm a little addicted ...

maybe i just can't get out of this ...

why can't you see me like I see you?, can't you feel me like I feel you ...

free your mind, don't let me down ...

we'll find a way to make it go away ...

just find a way to make this go away ...

just make this go away ...

i just cant get these lines out of my mind ... LSS?? ... probably ...

*crap

i really hate this feeling. ...
i've been talking about this shit a lot .... i mean seriously

... i'm starting to hate myself for it.

i've been whining like a bitch ... and i'm not at all happy about that.

... *sigh*

ok, ok .. i know, i'm whining again ... but ... whatever ...

i know i'm supposed to and SHOULD be reviewing for our filipino quiz tomorrow ...

but i just need to let it all out ....

hannah ... he's not a jerk ok, ... he's the nicest person i know (probably the reason why i like him)

he just ... HE doesn't like me at all. ... and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

"baka naman hinihintay ka lang"

"baka nahihiya lang"

"baka naman busy lang"

these are some of my good friends' words ... i appreciate it.

really, guys ... thanks for the effort ...

it's not like this is the first time i ever got rejected or something like that.

i get that all the time ... i guess the only difference is that ... i never really cared before ...

if i like you, and you don't like me that's fine ... so what?

i mean ... i'm totally aware that i'm not the "irresistable" type ... and there's practically nothing i can do about that. (maybe a few sugeries would help ... but, no thanks) ...

so what i usually do is ... just think that he (current crush or something) likes me too.

and it's fun ... the only rule is ... you have to keep it a secret ....

coz if you dont ... you'll find yourself in a very very very awkward position ...

i never thought liking someone would be this hard ...

i never thought i'd meet the person who'll make me wanna stop assuming.

who'll make me want things to be real ...

who'll make me waste my time writing on my stupid blog when i have better things to do.

i've been talking about this shit for over two weeks now ... i wish i could stop ... because it's irritating ... i wish i could just stop talking .... or else i'll shoot myself in the mouth

(haha just kidding ... there's no way i'd ever do that)

insignificant

what now?

tsk,

...

i want to write this post ... i really do.
but damn it! man! ...
what the hell have done to me??

you shut me off.

can't think straight anymore.
nothing's coming out of this shitty brain of mine.
i'm not worth even just a freaking 5 minutes of your *** damned time.
while you ... tsk ..

forget it.

everybody's super hero

she likes him. she just likes him so damn much.
he unintentionally gave all the reasons in the world for her to like him.
he was so sweet, so funny, so kind, so smart ... so everything!
though he is not perfect, his imperfections made him perfect in her eyes.

he just always seem to know what to say to make her feel better.
he just always seem to be there when nobody's there for her.
when she's hopeless he just always seem to have the answer.

she have always wanted to be closer to him ... but she couldn't.
she just could never be as close ... there's this invisible wall between them.
she wanted to break it ... she tried ... but over time, it proves to be unbreakable.

he doesn't like her. ... he's just not interested.
it's true he's been so helpful and kind and sweet ... but that's simply him.
he helps anyone who needs it ... he was just simply being himself ...
EVERYBODY'S DAMN HERO.

happy birthday ...

18 ka na ngayon ...

at kasabay ng pagtungtong mo sa legal age ... (pwede ka nang makulong)

ay ang pagkawala ng lahat ng bitterness ko sayo ...

kahit di mo naman malalaman to .... pare! happy birthday sayo

BORED TO DEATH

hahaha it's so freaking ironic.

ironic and annoying.

my neighbors are fighting and shouting at the top of their lungs.

my cousin and his girlfriend is having a lover's quarrel over the phone, i didn't mean to listen but what can i do he's freaking 15 inches away from me. (trust me, it's not entertaining at all! just plain annoying)

and my brother, talk about my brother ... well he has a date and he's asking me to lie to his real girlfriend on his whereabouts ( the tell-her-i'm-sleeping kinda thing).

my sister wont be coming home (she's staying at our cousin's house) so i have practcally no one to talk to.

my bestfriend, at this time, is speaking with his chinese-not-yet-boyfriend.

YM is like a ghost town ... nobody's online.

i'm broke and i dont have load.

i'm bored to death!!!

this day suck!!! i so freaking hate this day.

torture trip

ano ka ba naman!!!
para kang tanga ... hindi ka ba nahihiya?

yuck!!!

ano ba naman yan, hindi ba ka marunong mahiya???
grabe naman ung ka pampaman mo.

lahat na lang ba tlga kailangan mong lagyan ng kulay?

simpleng conversation bibigyan mo ng deeper meaning kahit na ung deeper na meaning na un e hindi naman talaga nag e-exist. sus! pathetic!!!

hay nku! you're a hopeless case.

asumera
feelingera
desperada
lahat lahat na ... ikaw yun!

shit! ... kelan ka ba titigil???
nakakaawa ka nang tignan,
pinapaasa yung sarili kahit alam naman na walang aasahan.

pls. naman tama na, nakakahiya na e

oo nag online sya, kinausap ka pero un lng tlga un.

ang alam nya ginagawan mo sya ng pabor at oo thankful sya dun, THANKFUL and not anything else. hanggang dun ka na lang ... saan mo ba kasi nakuha yung ilusyon mo? ... kahit kelan ba binigyan ka nya ng reason para mag asume ng ganyan??? wala naman diba! tama na yan wala ka na sa high school. wala ka rin sa isang tipikal na tv series.

inaasahan mo bang isang araw bigla nya na lang sasabihin na gusto ka nya? jusko gumising ka bruha! iniisip mo bang nahihiya lang sya sayo kaya parang mailap sya? hindi naman kaya naasiwa na sya sayo at masyado lang syang mabait kaya di nya sinasabi sayo un on your face ... posible un ah!!!

iniisip mo ba na isang super coincidence ang maglalapit sa inyo sa isa't-isa at BAM!!! ayun happy ending na! hello!!! hindi totoo ang happy ending sa totoong buhay ... dahil continuous po ito, just in case hindi ka aware.

wag naman sasama yang loob mo ah! ginigising lang nmn kta mxado na kseng mahimbing ang tulog mo at mxado nang malalim ang panaginip mo. itigil mo na yang pag torture sa sarili mo.
walang patutunguhan yan.

basta eto lang tandaan mo.

hindi ka nya gusto.
oo mabait sya sayo noon but don't feel so special
alam mong ganun xa sa lahat.
wag ka na ring magpapansin mxado kang nagmumukhang desperada.

friendly advice lang yan ... take it or leave it ...
pero para sa ikaaayos ng buhay mo, i suggest you take it.

kita mo ... disappointed ka ba ngaun????
oo diba.
tama na ... wag ka nang maghintay ... kung gusto ka nyang kausapin sana ginawa nya na.

there she goes again.

you need to stop this.

just be happy with whatever you have right now.

just stop trying so damn hard ...

you know how it always ends.

you keep your hopes up ... then BAM!

you'll end up being disappointed.

leave it alone.

please ... you're being ridiculous.

know what ... sometimes i wish i'm not you.

.... see, just like that. you're disappointed again
so much for your happy weekend!

wake up! its not real ... it's all in your head.

Amnesia

it's been 2 years already ...


there's a weird-scary-looking girl in sitting in front of the computer ... trying to think, trying to look for anything that would make sense ...


earlier that morning ...

she woke up and it's already 2 years after ... what the fuck just had happened where'd her 2 years go? ... she's starting to panic, how did she get that graduation picture, that high school diploma, those new college IDs ... her graduation is supposed to be in a couple of weeks ... how could she have missed that???



she felt like crying but she held it back ... she HAVE to figure out what's happening to her.

was there an accident??? ... a head trauma would explain everything. she went out of her room trying to act as normal as she could ... her house is pretty much the same (just a bit rearranged though) she sat down ... took a deep breath ... and think, think, think and THINK ... she tried so hard to remember but she couldn't.



she went through her things trying to look for a clue of some sort. she found out that she has two college IDs, so she most probably shifted course. she took an education course in FEU which is funny becuase she remembered telling herself that there's NO freaking WAY that she would ever become a teacher ... imagine spending 4 years of her life (make it 5 for the LET review) just to get that job then find herself in a situation where arrogant and immature students are(like herself) questioning her capability to teach. ... and she ended up taking the course anyway. the other ID surprised her The manila times college, AB journalism student ... how cool was that!!!

The Manila Times .... really?!?!? wow!



she imagined entering a building like the daily planet. imagined meeting prominent people, famous personalities. passing by seasoned journalists practically everyday ... now how'd she got accepted ... did she cheat??? everything seems so surreal ... a journalism school .. wow! she just couldn't get over it. for a brief moment there ... she was so happy.

how could that small meat inside her skull have handled a journalism school. she just can't believe she pursued that dream. that dream of hers she thought would stay a dream forever.



aside from shifting course and attending a damn cool school, she still doesn't know anything about her lost 2 years. was she happy? ... as in really happy with her life now? what about her friends? ... she missed them so damn much. she thought of checking her email ... she probably has one by now ... but she couldn't remember anything about having an email (well, aside from the spammed email for her friendster account) so ... the next best best thing she could think of is to check her friendster account.



she went through that account she never thought it would be that helpful to her. she saw a few "photo albums" there are four of them D12 for ever, highschool friends, abnormality(family album) and college friends she couldn't believe she already has one ... she viewed her high school friends first because she misses them so so much. there are only few pictures, few mementoes to remember them by. she felt a gush of sadness in her heart. she visited all of their pages, they all sure look happy with their college lives. they moved on. sure they love their high school memories too. but that's it ... they're just memories now. she was left alone ... with vauge images of her lost past.



she wanted to see her new friends, what were they like? ... were they as nice as her high school friends, are they all her real friends for that matter? does she love them a much as she loved her high school friends? or maybe even more .... she went to see their pictures ... they all look happy together ... she saw herself, she couldn't believe how happy she looked. they all seemed to be nice people. maybe she really love them, maybe they're all special to to her ... but right now, they're just all bunch of strangers posing with her for wacky and funny pictures.

suddenly tears went rolling down her face. she couldn't stop crying. inside her, she felt a weird connection with them and it felt good. it felt good. but the thought of not remembering those people just broke her heart into tiny pieces. ... she wanted to remember them, she wanted to but she couldn't.



she went back to her bed. head aching, eyes swelling, her mind exhausted. she closed her eyes ... after a few moment she felt weird and somehow relieved ...

she fell asleep.

then a familiar sound woke her up ... she got a text message.

'ui, lola mads 2! dalhan mu uli ako ng orange toM! tnx! laB u! mwah! =]

"who the hell is lola?" she wondered ... it took a while before she realized ... it was her, she was having a bad dream ... she burst into laughter ... she felt real tears on her face ... how silly could that be. but then she felt relieved ... she'd never want that to happen in real life. they ARE her second family ... she wouldn't trade that for anything else.

she went back to sleep.