in the world of Don Quixote

what if i'm not meant to be where i want to be?

maybe i don't really have what it takes to be there.
but if i dont, then why do i feel like i do? like i'm some kind of a --- nevermind.

maybe i'm just some sort of a Don Quixote person,
I'm a hero ... i'm a damn good hero but only in my head...
only in my own awesome world.

"oh yeah sure i can do that ... but the thing is, i'd rather not to."
that's the lamest way to justify ones incompetence.

if only i could i would stay inside my head forever.
reject reality because reality sucks.
reality sucks because to me reality means limitations.

i want to be the person i believe I am or at least the person i want to believe I am.
but what i really am is just someone who isn't good enough.

i've always get through depressions just like this.
i wish i could make belive my way through to this one ...
just like how i did before.

NICE

....

NEVER MIND

GOD wants me to know

from facebook.

Camille got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...

... that happiness has nothing to do with pleasure.You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it. Or when you don't want something and you remove it. Pleasure is always relative. Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect. The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer.


REALLY??? huh GOD, REALLY??? ...

well, if this GOD is a DJ and this F*ck*** life is a dance floor I'd probably go to another bar ... or better yet just go home!!!

calm down my stupid self, calm down ... you know there's no need to over react.

...well i know it's not really GOD who wants me to know this ... probably just some "religous guy" who likes to think that he knows what GOD has in mind ... hence likes to call himself a GOD too.

really huh "GOD" pleasure? how about this for pleasure ...

You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it.

you know what i want right now? ... the only damn thing i want right now is peace of mind ... but from the looks of it ... i'm not allowed to have it.

Or when you don't want something and you remove it

and the only damn thing that i don't want right now is this stupid secret. this stupid suspicion .... this damned information. ... i just want to be free from this burden.

but i can't.
because my freedom would cause someone else's misery.
and to bring misery upon someone important, someone you truly care for would be the most heartbreaking thing you could ever do to yourself.

and i can't live with that. but i don't think i can go on like this either .... i cant go any further.
this is only as much as i can bare.

why am i in this situation again?

WHY??? ... am i not worthy of this thing that "this GOD" call pleasure?

apparently i don't need it to be happy ...
if that's the case then why am i not happy?

am i being a damn martyr or just plain stupid? ...
the only consolation for me right now is the idea that i'm doing what i think right.
that i'm choosing to keep this burden because i dont want to hurt anyone else.

i don't know what else to do, what else to think ....

if i keep it to myself ... if i just keep it all inside and try to act like it doesn't exist at all. i'm afraid that sooner or later i will just explode and it would be worse. for me and for them.

.... bkt?

bakit ba parang sadyang ayaw ng pagkakataon na makakuha ako ng peace of mind???

bakit po ba? ....

ano bang mas damaging ... ung mga salitang binitiwan o ung mga salitang itinatago???

ayoko sa ganitong sitwasyon e ...

sino ba kseng nag pauso ng suspetsa at spekulasyon ....

....

tang*** ....

para aqng mababaliw.

dahil hindi ko maintindihan

... P**a nkakamiss mag blog! hay .. sobrang dami kong gstong isiwalat sa listener kong ndi nmn nag eexist ... shit shit shit ..

sobrang hindi q naiintindihan ... bkt ba kelangan ko ulit sumulat sa papel? kung may computer lng sana at internet connection sa kinaroonan q ngaun ... tang*** papel ... e nka2trauma kaya magsulat dun. ...

para kang g**o na magsusulat at magsusulat hoping na mka2tulong sayo un. the next thing you know ... pinag piye-piyestahan na ung hinanakit mo sa mundo. ... at sentro na ng halos lahat ng joke sa angkan mo. buong angkan mo .... tipong hanggang sa mga apo baka maikwento pa.

fuck! why do i sound like her?

bka nmn isipin ng nagbabasa si miechang to ...

e nasusuklam pa nmn aq sa batang un ... ANG NDI Q MAINTINDIHAN ... e kng bkt ba nkikita q sakanya ung sarili q 6 yrs ago??? tama ba? or bka 10 ... bsta ...
nkakatawa ... i know exactly how it feels to be an outcast ... nung time na un ... sabi q if i could ... i would do everything just to prevent that from happening to anyone ...

pero isa aq ngaun sa mga taong nag basa at nagmock sa journal ng iba.
tangina tubig! nabubulunan aq! ... ndi q malunok ung mabuti ung mga salitang binitawan q noon.
shiyet! ang pakla pla ng lasa ng sarili mong salita ...

ayon nga sa text ni mads keep your words soft and sweet .... just in case you have to eat them someday .... bsta something like that.

pero ang bitchy nya kse e ... pero sapat bang dahilan un pra mangialam sa personal nyang gamit.
tae ang plastic q!

nki invade aq sa privacy ng ibang tao .... kahit cno pa un o kahit gano pa xa ka bitchy ... alam qng wla aqng karapatan para basahin un ... at lalong wla aqng karapatang mainis sa kng ano mang mababasa q ... dahil ndi q nmn tlga dpat bnasa un in the first place.

sa lahat ng taong humingi sken ng advice ... isa pla sa pinaka masakit e ung pti sarili mo ndi ka pinakinggan .... lalo pa't minsan ka na nga lng mging tama.