and the oscar goes to ....... (****) YOU!!!!!

I JUST NEED TO LET THIS ALL OUT!!!!

please somebody save me!!!

i don't think i'd last two months here without developing a heart ailment.

this is HOME i should be happy i'd be able o stay here longer now.

BUT I'M FREAKING NOT!!!!!

can't stand being around a drama king. ...

GGGGRRRRRRRRRRAWRGDBXRNHTD

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that's all i wanna do right now .... but if i do ... i'd the bitch who doesnt respect her brother again!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGAWREHT

i'm so freaking mad ... i'm hyperventilating right now!

i just dont want another drama ... why does he have to be soooo freaking good at that???????

the last time time i checked between the two of us ... i am the one who have an acting history ...

guess he's just natural. ...

how long can i keep it all in?

i cant be going to the bathroom and scream (hoping that the sound of running water would overpower my voice) everytime ..... now can i ?

i can feel my heart palpitating right now ....

please GOD, PLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSSEEEE!

send me to maguindanao, or abra or cotabato ... maybe in iraq or north korea .... ANYWHERE!!! before i die of HEART ATTACK!!!!

oh and in case I do ... don't blame the fatty foods for it. ...

BLAME MY DRAMA KING BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!

isa kang malaking PARADOX

WARNING!!!

rant mode!

hindi kita maintindihan ... sobrang hindi kita talaga maintindihan!!!

ano bang problema mo sa buhay?

p pm-pm ka tpos pag nagreply nmn sayo ndi ka na magre reply pabalik.

magsisimula ka ng conversation tpos iiwanan mo naman ako sa ere.

tsk. ... ANONG KASO???

pagtapos mong sagutin ng nakaka gago ung tanong ko sasabihin mong nami miss mo ko.

pag tapos mong mag invi invi everytime na mag o online ako. bgla ka na lang magre respond sa emoish status message ko at papadalahan ako ng link ng cute na kuting tpos tatanungin mo 'ko kng npasaya mo ba 'ko? .. (xmpre naman OO.)

ano na nga ba ung sabi mo noon???

pag out of the blue bgla na lang akong nangumusta para sabihing "wla lang" ... ano na nga ba yung gusto ko talagang sabihin nun??? ... yeah you'vr got me all figured out!

tpos ipa pa feel sken na rejected ako.

pero ihahatid mo naman ako hangang sa kanto pag nagkasalubong tayo sa kalye.

ano na nga pala yung cnabi mo nung nagkita tayo minsan? "tara bilisan na naten tpos umuwi ka na?" jusko 4pm pa lng nun? anong kaso?? bket kelangan magmadaling umuwi???

pero naglong cut ka naman e samantalang may daan naman na 2 mins lng nten lalakarin. umikot pa tayo ng malayo. sabi mo nagmamadali ka pero ihahatid mo naman pala 'ko hanggang sa sakayan. may nalalaman ka pang papunas punas ng dungis ng ice cream.

tinanong mo noon kng pde ka mag lunch smen tinanonog q kung gsto mo ipagluto kita.

nampucha ang special kaya nung luto ko na yun. hindi pwedeng may kahit isa man lang na kulang ung ingredients. ang layo layo ng nilakad q nun chong! ... tpos hindi ka naman pala dadating.

naguguluhan ako sayo e alam mo yon?!?!? sakit mo sa ulo tlga sobra!

na gets ko naman nung una e. ...

oo na alam ko hindi ko dapat bigyan ng false hope yung sarili ko.

i know where i stand and as pathetic as it may sound.

I'M OK WITH IT.

apat na taon na kong ganito ... do you think if i'm the type of person who wishes there could be more, i'd just take your rejection and do nothing about it?? NO! kng ganun ako malamang may ginawa na 'ko ... pero wla e.

hindi.

hindi ko kaya.

ndi kita sinisisi ... sobrang hindi ...

just because it hurts doesn't mean you're hurting me. ... ako lang nmn 'to e ... ginagawa ko 'to sa sarili ko ... hindi mo 'ko gusto ... alam ko naman yun.

will you do me a favor then??? stop giving me reasons to like you.

URGH! OFFLINE KA NA??? ...

she ...

was dead tired.

painting, taping, cutting boxes, crumpling huge papers all day. and the thought that there's still an awful lot of things to do makes her weaker. for the past few weeks her life had been OK ... not that good though ... just ... OK.

she can't think of any other problem aside from finishing up the props they needed for their play the next week. for that she's thankful.

she's standing among ten other people waiting for the same bus. random thoughts were running inside her head like what if she get mugged on her way home again? what if the bus she'll ride would send her to another dimension? is her friend gonna be all right? and what if there are only 9 seats left? would she be able to bash her way in front of the others to make sure she'll be able to sit in the bus ... or would she just wait for another one. she already told her father she'll be coming home late anyway so there's no need to hurry.

she doesn't hate being at home, just doesn't have any reason to. unlike her friend whose home situation gives her too much anxiety. but for some reasons even she can't understand ... she doesn't like being there either. it's weird home's supposed to be sweet, she thought.

finally a bus came. instead of the 9 remaining seats she's worrying about; she saw only 9 people inside(the driver and ticket collector not included) that painted a little smile on her face.

she took the first available seat. she's just too tired to be picky like she's always been when it comes to bus' seats. the air-con is too cold but she didn't have the energy to fix it so she just curled up and put a jacket on instead.

the bus stopped to get more passengers. inside her head she's wishing that no one would take the seat beside her because she's secretly reserving it for someone. she kept on praying that the seat next to her would still be vacant when the bus reaches her former school, wishing for a miracle, hoping he'd come up and sit next to her.

Hello!

tell me you know.

yeah, you've figured me out

Something gave it away.

And it would be such a beautiful moment

to see the look on your face
To know that ...

I know that you know now!

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking

You know nothing

because you and I,

we go carrying on for hours on end

We get along much better than you and your girlfriend.

Well, all I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you even if it kills me,

if it kills me!

Well how long can I go on like this?
... wishing to kiss you
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all.

Baby there's a lot that I'll miss In case I'm wrong

If I should be so bold I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand

Tell you from the start how I've longed to be the one

But I never said I would I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again ...

And all I really want from you is to feel me
It's a feeling inside that keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me

If it kills me

If it kills me

It might kill me

I'm sorry i thougt i had to...

LIE ...

i thought it's the easiest way out.
i don't like being asked when i'm not yet ready to answer.

so I did what i did.

make up an awful story ...

i thought that it's the only thing that would keep you from asking.

i thought ... maybe if i can make you buy it; you'll just stop asking and i wouldn't have to lie to you anymore.

keep it all for myself ...

i was scared of letting you know ... i still am.

i'm so afraid of being alone. ... i thought that finding out what i have to hide

would leave an ugly scar to US. ... then ... things will never be the same again.

I'm sorry I'm such an insecure little bitch.

i should've trusted you more ... you deserve that.

but i just had to keep something ...

i trust yo with my life ... trust me, I do. ...

i just don't feel like telling you everything.

It's not that i don't trust you ...

I'm just so damn insecure ...

I'm insecure about an awful lot of things ... this is just one of the many.

.... i hope i made the right decision. >:D<

'fool' MOON

remember that one morning when i decided i wanna come to school at 6am?
you all wondered why. (you know i'm little miss tardy)

I just smiled at you and said "it's full moon!"

that made you laugh.

They thought I was weird. but not you ... I know you get what I mean.

***

the moon was pretty last night.

if we were still in high school i would've been in school by now. i would've pulled a chair to the side of the window, feel the cold morning breeze on my face and watch as the sun takes the moon's place from up above.

four days ago i've seen, by far, the most beautiful scene i had ever laid my eyes on.

sunset on my left and full moon on my right. both of them watching over us. over me.

i watched as the world around me turned from amber to indigo.

watched as in the sun sunk into the railroad and the moon rise above the city lights.

it was pretty.

i wished you were there so maybe i could enjoy the scene with you.

but then i looked around, see the people i'm with ... i realized I was with my friends.

it's perfect that way.

***

I was lucky my classmate live nearby (well, I dont really know that for sure but we're heading on the same direction) He hired a cab and was kind enough to drop me by a more convenient bus stop. I'm a bit surprised that he disclosed some personal stuff with me. we're not really close. still, it felt good to have someone think that you're trustworthy enough for them to share those ... stuff. I really did listen to his stories. but my attention was divided. the moon was so pretty. the view was perfect. I know you would have loved what I was seeing. I know you would enjoy it as much as I did.

wonder if you'd enjoy it with me ...

ah! i'm talking nonsense

***