...
So there I was enjoying the beach when suddenly the universe decided that i have to get thirsty and get water from the kitchen.
My father and his friends from the seminary were there talking about the good old days and stuff.
I've heard most their stories ... It's fun hearing other versions of them.
... yeah ... I was eavesdropping. I never should have. I know that now.
Anyway
I didn't know how but the topic suddenly changed. Then I heard my father talking.
"Meron nga noon naalala ko. edi galing ako nun sa game. malapit na 'ko nun sa bahay e. tapos nakita ko yung kaklase ng bunso ko mukhang papunta sa bahay namin. bigla akong kinabahan e ..."
they all laughed at that ... then my father continued ...
"palagi kong nakikita yun sa bahay namin e. E may mga dala dala ... may parang regalo pa nga ata e. ... "
"o, e anong ginawa mo?"
"nasindak ata sakin e." ... they laughed ... again. my heart began to beat too fast, i didn't understand what was so funny about it.
"hindi ko na nga nakita yung bata mula nun e."
I felt like crying .... fuck.
then I remember ... if he was coming home from a basketball game ... that has to be that day. ... the day when i cooked for him. that could be it ... fuck.
...
We were in the car, heading home. My father asked me did I enjoy the trip. I said yes, coldly. I don't know I guess I was just not in the mood to talk to him. I was mad.
He tried to crack jokes and stuff. Telling me more stories about his days in the seminary. Those were really funny stories (in normal circumstances) but all I could hear was "blah blah blah blah ... you know that guy you really used to like? ... yeah I was the one who scared him away ... hahahahahah" I know this'd make me look like an ingrate daughter (plus the fact that 'i was the one who scared him away' part was just in my head) ... but at that moment all I could think about was punching him in the face.
I know he was trying so hard and I know it is because he knew I was upset. And I also know how frustrating that is for him --to not know what's wrong and why he's getting the cold shoulders. The thing about my father is ... when he feels that you're mad because of something he did but he doesn't know what it is ... he won't say sorry. His best defense is to turn it around on you. That normally works ... but not now.
"hoy Camelia, ano bang problema mo?" he yelled ... sort of.
"wala po."
"pareho kayo ng ate mo ah ... ako, camelia wag nyo pinapaandaran ng mga ganyan ganyan nyo ah! blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ..."
Why was I the one being yelled at when he was the one who did a terrible thing?
"Bakit nyo naman po tinakot yung classmate ko?" I just couldn't take it anymore.
"ano?"
I know he heard me clear enough. He was shocked. I can tell ... he stopped the car. That wa one of the most awkward moments of my life. Then i asked him again anyway ... trying my best to not let the words catch on my throat and trying even harder to not let my tears fall from eyes ... good thing i brought my sunglasses with me.
"bakit nyo naman po pinauwi yung classmate ko?" I asked again.
he didn't answer. ... he just drove.
...
we didn't speak throughout the whole trip. I have nothing to say to him ... I was waiting for an explanation even though I know why he did it. ... I just wanted to see how he'd justify it.
...
When we got home I went straight to my room. I've been wanting to cry since morning but somehow ... I can't.
I turned my computer on ... and stared at his facebook profile thinking whether to add him as friend again or not. Why did I fucking delete him?
I accessed my yahoo mail. He's online ... how lucky was I, right?
I wanted to talk to him ... but I didn't know what to say ... I spent an awful lot of time typing and erasing, typing and erasing, typing and erasing words in his chatbox.
I couldn't talk to him ... no matter how much I wanted to.
and just when I was about to log out ....
he PMed me ...
"ano ba yang tina type mo na yan? kanina pa yan ah."
my heart began to skip a beat ... I suddenly couldn't breathe
I didn't know what to say ... didn't how to start ...
"sorry." I said.
"for what?"
"kasi ..."
"kasi ... ang dami dami kong inisip na masasamang bagay tungkol sayo ... ndi ko naman alam kung ano tlga yung nangyari."
"e, ganyan e. andyan na yan e"
"sorry .... hindi ko alam. :("
"tsk. ok lang yan."
.... awkward silence ....
"masaya ka naman ba?"
...
then ... just like that ... everything just came back ... All the tears I've been holding back since morning just ... gushed down from my eyes ...
then I said ...
"Hindi. :( "
I've never felt so sad before .... not like this ...
...
then ... my sister woke me up ...
crazy dream ...
I got up ... searched for my phone under my pillow ...
my pillow was sort of wet ... though i'm not really sure if that's from tears or drool ...
but nah ... I don't really drool when I sleep ... except if i was too tired or something.
kinda funny how real it felt when I was in there. I was really really sad ... but then when i wake up ... I didn't feel anything.
... strange. ... strange feeling.
now I can't help but think what would I do ... or what would I feel if that's what really happened ...
but ... nah ... doesn't matter.
.... that much.
Perfect sandwich ...
