IRRATIONAL MODE SWITCH .......

... don't you fucking touch that switch.

leave it alone.

it's irrational. let it go. don't rant about it. don't think about it.

and hell, don't talk about it.

stop. just .... fucking stop.

The perfect dress

You know that feeling you get when you walk by a store and saw 'the perfect dress'. you know it'll cost you but you're willing to save up for it. then the next day you'll realize that not only does it cost a fortune, it won't fit you anyway. ... that's the time when you'll ask yourself ... what the hell had happened to the person who used to be so happy with her baggy jeans and ragged t-shirt?

You try and go back to your old wardrobe, thinking you were so comfortable wearing those clothes back then. Who the hell said you can't wear them anymore? So you try ... You pick out the simplest of your shirts and the baggiest of your pants. You look at the mirror, brush your hair just for the sake of doing it. you pick your lipstick up and realize you don't need it anymore. You smile and think ... 'this is so much easier, why did I ever think of changing this lifestyle?' you used think 'ragged' style suits you best. suits your personality. and it does.

So you go on ahead with your day. just like the old times. you should feel comfortable, that's one of the perks of dressing down. and you are, you are comfortable ... but still every time you pass by a mirror, you secretly wish you had picked that nice blouse and cute skirt in your closet. every time you pass by a mirror and see your pale dark lips, you secretly wish you brought that lipstick with you.

the thing is ... you have changed. you may think you don't like it ... maybe because you can't buy the dress that you want or maybe because it won't fit you ... but there are tons of pretty dresses in the world. somewhere out there a pretty little red dress is waiting for you and when you see it, try it on. If it fits and you have enough money ... for the love of god, go buy it and maybe pair it up with killer heels

the thing this is ... that is probably age ... finally kicking in ... you didn't seriously think that you'd be happy playing tag and it forever ... did you? maybe it's just your girly-girl alter ego fighting it's way out of you.

Fact is, you want that dress and you can't have it ... the size and the price tag says so. ... that's kind of disappointing ... but that is not the last dress in the world ...

Project honesty: laziness among other things

It's only been three days.

it's too early for me to say anything ...

But I'm bored and I want to post a blog ... so :D

A friend told me that he'll start taking his studies more seriously, said it's his gift to himself. Then he asked me "how about you?"

I said "Honesty."

I don't know why I said that. hahaha It was the first thing that came to my mind. ... hahaha ... honesty.

I came up with this weird idea. I call it project honesty. I'll keep track on the lies (big or small) I tell and put it in a record with details like a brief summary of how I ended up lying, what was I thinking when I said that, what's my purpose (if there's any) and of course what's the truth.

None of these would make sense if I'd lie to myself again ... so I guess step one is done :D yay! I don't lie to myself anymore (that much. hahaha) I know there's a tendency for me to miss some of the things I said. this is just the first step anyway ... so I'm cutting myself some slack.

For the past three days I noticed I don't lie as much (not that my normal everyday life was filled with lies before ... they're not. ... well maybe just a little, ... bits of totally harmless little white lies, or should I say lame excuses hahaha lies that are totally harmless and totally unnecessary so I decided to minimize them. ...)

I guess my profound laziness plays a big role with the trimming down of lies.

Too much lies = tons of writing.

Every time I think about saying anything that's not true and think it's not a big deal anyway ... I imagine the burden that comes along with it.

... it's only been three days (I talk too much). I plan on doing this until august next year. or until I lose the compulsion to lie. I know this won't make the most honest person on earth (have no plans on being one) I don't even have an end goal for this project ... (oh wait, maybe there is ... umm to lose my compulsion to lie?) but it's making me feel good about myself. ... plus I really enjoy using onenote hahaha.

that .... thing

friend: have you ever seen me this happy? :)

me: no :D

friend: you know why?

me: yes :) ... have ever seen me this sad?

friend: ... :( No.

me: know why?

friend: yeah :(

another monday, another seemingly unending chitchat ...

*sigh ...

Memento

Am I lying to make myself happy?

hahahahah PUTANG INA ... sakto.

tae. ... sakto lng tlga. tang ina lang.

hahahahaha

Realization ...

So I'm watching this movie, Memento ...

A friend said it's my kind of movie. I believed him because the last time he said that ... he was right.

I'm halfway through it ... I think. Just when I'm starting to really get into it, my mother needed to borrow my laptop for video chat ... talk about buzz kill.

So ... here's a realization ... if I ever have the same condition as Lenny, man I'd be so fucked up.

I've had too many secret blogs ... the purpose was for me to write what I really feel, what I really think. ... the thing is ... I don't really read what I write ... i don't hate reading ... I just get too lazy most of the time. ... My best friend told me the purpose of her blog was not primarily for other people to read it ... she just wanted to read something that she wrote ... and when she does ... she feels better ... I guess.

I thought about it ... so I started reading my own blog posts ... the funny thing I realized is ... even to myself I couldn't be truly honest. I still remember writing most of it ... I usually write when my emotions are ... for lack of a better word, intense.

so yeah ... i remember. I remember the things I really wanted to write but couldn't ... fuck, not even in my secret blog.

My fear now is ... if I ever get into the same circumstance ... I'd be chasing a ghost I created. ... and it's fucking sad ... I lie, even to myself ... in fact the person I lie to the most ... I just realize ... is myself ...

It's sad.

fucking sad.

I don't want it anymore ... I don't know if this is just "the movie effect" or something ...

guess ... I better make it my birthday resolution or something ... I'm not that good with resolutions though ...

fuck ... that video chat is taking too long ... hahaha I really want to get back to watching.

what if I get in the same situation ... tsk tsk tsk. ...

what would happen if I can't trust even myself ...

August 05

Finally! ... the curse was lifted.

For the past six years I've been complaining about how awful my birthdays are. Well maybe they're not really that awful. Maybe I just expect too much out of that particular day, thus, the disappointment.

I was happy :D FUCK YEAH!!!!

I JUST HAD A HAPPY BIRTHDAY :D :D :D

I still can't get over the awesomeness of my party hihihihihhi :D

Now ... I kinda worry about this.

Hope the party effect last longer ...

I'm in such a good mood ...

Dear Universe,

Thank you for making it sunny the day before and my birthday :D Thank you .... yeah it rained ...but that's okay I appreciate what you did there .... Can we keep this even for at least a week? ...

Thank you .... I LOVE YOU and all you solar system!!! <3

Demotivational pic for motivation

'THE' time of the year

Good morning August.

So .... All I gotta do is get past the first two weeks then I'll be all right ...
Right?