DEAD ... that's what i'll be in 16 hours

i'm so dead i could taste the dirt i'd soon be buried 6 feet under.

i'm so dead i could feel the coroner taking my guts out.

i'm so dead i can smell the formalin he'll use to preserve my body ... well at least for the wake.

i'm so dead i could see hell opening its gates for me.

WHY TV5 WHY???

why did you make us stay that late????

I'M SO DEAD!!!

HAPPY

i am ... i just am

don't really have enough reason to be smiling like an idiot now ...

but for some reasons ... I JUST AM.

high ... my heart is pounding my cheeks are trembling ...

CAN'T .... HELP ... SMILING

if i can freeze time i'll do it right now ...

is this ... some sort of a reward

or is it the higher power offering truce

man, we had a tough month.

it's like ... in this exact moment the words

hurt, unpleasant, annoyed suddenly vanished from my vocabulary.

HAPPY ...

I AM HAPPY

I AM HAPPY

I AM HAPPY

I AM HAPPY

re-visit

so, i've been a mess! i mean really. i don't know what's gotten into me.

looking back ... man, i really feel so ashamed. i'm like 'why the hell did i do that??'

really, it's not something i would do ... that is of course if i'm sane at the moment.

or maybe i wasn't at the time.

why are you telling me this?

i don't know, i just thought that maybe that's the reason why i'm here ... you know,

talk to you and stuff. isn't that what i'm here for?

you tell me.

how the hell would i know?

you asked for me.

i did? when?

you tell me.

....

well, not exactly.

...

it's more like you asked for something else but that something else has better things to do.

here i am.

i remember having a dream like this you know.

i can see you're happy ... you know it's healthy if you stay like that.

what are you saying?? i'm always happy.

are you? ... really, come on ... if that's true then why did you do it?

just don't dwell on it ok.

...

wake up now, i promise you'll smile if you get up now.

get up, get up.

EYE CANDIES

oh, they come and go.

there are a lot of them wandering around.

and YES they are HOT indeed.

as hot as the scorching weather, probably.

tall and muscular

body's gleaming with summer sweat,

hahaha.

eye candies, eye candies

they sure give the world a better view.

they are everywhere

sad to say, ... none of them is you.

that's no reason to be sad.

just because their ripped physique and good looks don't stand a chance against your wit and humor doesn't mean i can't enjoy looking right?

...

oh they really are everywhere!

GOD must've really love me.

:D

freeze??? ... it's effin' summer! what the hell?

she doesn't care about anything.

look at her ... look at that stupid smile.

she's happy ... all she wanted was for that picture to come out as cute as possible.

and if by saying cute it means stupid ... then yeah, she got exactly what she wanted.

she feels what she feels when she feel it.

that's just it.

no freaking freezing you emo bitch!

what the hell were you talking about?

leave her alone. she's bored not miserable.

she's annoyed not hurt.

she'll be happy soon ... you'll see.

there's no point in solitude for her.

she's simply not that.

i'm not buying this whole isolation thing you're proposing.

IT'S A STUPID IDEA!!!

do you think that'll work?

I am talking to you emo bitch.

yeah ... having you, i must admit, sometimes is fun.

but please don't go over the top.

:D

smile.

who cares whether someone's watching or not.

who cares what she's thinking at the end of the day?

who cares?

i still think what matters is what she do.

is it not?

so stop the bullshit.

let's be happy shall we?

oh, she's so her when she's got nothing else to do isn't she?

plain CRAZY.

:D

let me

i never should have ...... .

i know i'd get carried away. what they have isn't exactly real, i should know that. and i do

but why am i still secretly asking for it? why am i asking for something i know, or at least i'd like to think, doesn't exist?

it's not there damn it! people could never be that honest. IT'S NOT fu**ing HEALTHY!!! and you, of all people, should know that!

being completely transparent brings as much damage as being a godda**ed liar.

if you ....... then you're .... but if you ...... then you're a .....

what the hell? what do they expect from you then? be a fu**ing stone.

that's right! be that. ... you know you would ... it's just that ... YOU CAN'T.

you are too damn weak for that. imagine replacing probably THE most important parangraph of this da**ed post with freaking dots ... dots. you know you'll lose it by the end of this post.

why don't ..... seem to care if ........ why do you? .... why so much?

you can't do it ... can you? you're weak with fear of losing ... losing what exactly?

WHAT IS THERE???

you know it won't last forever ... why not gamble? it'll fade. you know it ... it may be gone even before you knew it has been there. ... why not gamble with it now?

mope. mope.mope

whine

sulk

that's all you ever do ... hoping that .................................

awww ... she couldn't type it.

this IS all you are.

enough with that positivity crap ... no one's buying it. not even yourself.

so much for that "i'm not gonna be a hater anymore"

you know you always will be. you'll be secretly entertained, amused by the misfortunes of people you don't like. thinking that somehow they deserve it for being annoying.

how about you?

you know what? you're so you when you don't have anything else to do.

you're so you when there's no one around.

evil

you ARE a hater by nature no singer/composer could ever change that.

who are you even trying to impress? really? no one's watching. you know it.

enough with the crap.

EMBRACE ME.

let me.

you ARE me.

i AM you.

what?

some pips told you you're nice?

you have a big heart?

ask yourself ... are you really?

you may be ... that particular moment ... you see how people affect you?

how they cloud your better judgement? you soften ... it's not good

so let me.

you know how you feel ... you react according to what you feel.

how they make you feel. they make you laugh, they make you smile, sometimes they even raise you up.

but at the end of the day ... you know who you're with.

you know how these conversations always end.

in case you forgot, you often agree with me.

they also make you cry, they rip away the smile they painted on your face ... and often times YES ... they bring you down.

and no! don't you dare start self-pitying on me ... you do that too. to other people.

and ironically ... most of the time, to the people who loves you.

what good does it bring to anyone exactly? it weakens them.

at the end of the day whenever you feel that stabbing pain.

who were you with? what were you thinking?

me and these thoughts.

now's the time to tell me that i'm right.

now. because now you're hurt. now you're letting me.

now you're feeling it again.

why would you let a few lousy laugh get in the way?

freeze. freeze with me.

that way you'll never ever have to feel it.

when you're hurt you try to ease it by hurting someone back thinking that it will ease the pain but it wont. the pain will just bounce back and forth bringing more and more damage to whatever it hits. so come on ... take the last hit and freeze with me.

let me.

i wont paint anything black i swear.

there'll be no slitting anything.

no sad music or weird make-ups.

we just ... simply won't let anything in.

we'll build a fortress where you'll be safe. always.

let me run things ... i promise you the pain will go away,

along with everything there is with it.

if you'll let me .... everything else will just seem funny.

funny because they cannot touch you anymore.

nothing will ever touch you anymore.

so will you?

.....

that's my girl.

over thinking

riddle. riddle.

he knows she hates riddles.

why did he have to say it? did he even mean it? why now?

questions. questions.

he should've known they keep her awake at night.

why haven't she heard from him since? was that it?

think. think. think.

she can't stop thinking. she couldn't

flashbacks flooding in.

more questions following.

why now? she'd like to ask but then she realized maybe they have the same reason.

why didn't you say anything? she'd like to ask but then she realized maybe they have the same reason.

when did you realize? she'd like to ask. was it the day i realized too? after that long tiring day. i hid my face behind my hair so no one would notice the way i stare. the sun was nearly setting, the light shone soft amber light on his face it felt magical. did you see it too? she'd like to ask.

when i was looking at him were you looking at me? she'd like to ask.

she'd like to ask. she'd like to ask. ...

but she can't. she couldn't. she's afraid.

Afraid that it's just all in her head.

when they were trapped up there did he wish it was forever?

was he starring at her when she was starring at another?

was he secretly wishing for her to turn around?

why didn't he call her name or held her hand?

is it crazy for her to think about the possibility when both of them don't seem to like it.

is there even really a possibility or is it just a game?

what are you doing to my heart?

darn you magic 8 ball. what the hell are you doing to my heart?

will you stop being consistent please? it's really freaking me out.

i want to stop asking silly questions from you i know do ... i really really do.

it's just that .. you're the only one who seems to have an answer ... stupid answers.

but still ... they are answers ... and i need them.

it's pathetic to have only a damn magic whatever thing to talk to ... it can only say freaking yes or no ...

why is it that it is the only one interested about this? from now on ... i'm gonna call you magic ... and you are my very new friend ... so ... hey magic, my friend, will i be ok?

...... and his reply is NO

at least he's honest ... right?

shrink?

what did the doctor say?

nothing. he's a quack.

and why is that?

all he did was give me high dosage of that ... thing.

what thing?

i don't know ... he said it's supposed to make me feel better.

did it?

no. i just ... got weaker. the first dose made me dizzy, the second made my heart race, the third made my knees wobble.

so how exactly are you feeling right now?

basically i cant breathe. when i do there's just this stabbing pain. they're all over. sometimes i just dont want to breathe. you know, just to make the pain go away ...

...

but, if i do that ... i'll shut me down. the pain may be gone but so would i.

...

i tried it though. there was a time when i decided to stop breathing. just to see what will happen.

...so what happened?

it hasn't even been a minute ... my vision slowly went black, like how it looks like when you squirt black ink in water. my heart began to throb, i started to panic. i gasped for air.

...

taking deep breaths makes the pain worse you know. because of that i just try not to breathe heavily ... but it's just not as good.

heavy breathing, shallow breathing ... what's the difference?

fast, shallow breathing is for those who are hyperventilating. taking deep breaths almost makes everything ok. it calms me. i'm not hyperventilating everyday you know. ...

you know .... i dont think i'm following

i hate feeling like this ... it's like teasing my lungs of air it couldn't get. i might as well not breathe at all.

then dont

oh dont be stupid ... everybody needs to breathe.

oh really?

yeah, really.

remember when you tried to do it again?

...

...

oh ... that. yeah ... of course.

tell me about it.

i just lie down on the floor. i was alone. there's total silence. i was tired. i thought if i could just get a little rest ... just a little. so i ... stopped doing everything. everything. i closed me eyes then all these thoughts went on flashing in front of me but i said. ... "i dont think i like to think right now... can i do that please?" then the pictures stopped flashing.

interesting

suddenly the pictures were gone. everything went black. then it was cold ... but in a good way, you know. nothing hurts anymore. one by one everything was ... sort of fading. it felt good. i dont know what it is... i just felt like i was this close to getting somewhere. but then the phone rang.

this close to getting where?

i dont know. i never got there.

to me.

excuse me?

you were that close to getting to me. ... why did you want to see me?

did i?

you tell me. if it wasn't for that phone call you'd be there now.

and where is that exactly?

i think we both know that. i want you to think this through ... i'll be seeing you.

but ... where are you going? ... i haven't asked you what i'm doing here yet.

oh you know that too.

are you a shrink? why am i sitting here in this crazy chair?

what chair?

this cha ..... hey! where is it?

i dont know what shrink is ... but you can call me that if you want to. you go see that quack. you have to.