isang kaltok at yakap para sayo

nung high school aq, everytime na may umuusbong na love life ung mga kaibigan q ... lgi qng iniisip na dpat lgi aqng alert ... dahil sooner or later paiiyakin lng ng bokologs na lalaking un ung kaibigan q ...

lgi qng iniisip na nagiging protective lng aq ... cno ba nmng kabigan ang gstong mkitang umiiyak ang kaibigan nya dba? ... pero in actuality ... oo nga nagiging protective lng aq ... para sa kanila? cguro ... pero mostly ... ung pgi2ng protective na un e para rin sken. mxado pa qng mkitid nun pra amining nagseselos lng aq. kse friend+love life= less bonding time para sa barkada.

aq ung tipo ng friend nun na nagsusulong ideang mas magandang mging single habang bata pa kme. una sa lahat ikatutuwa un ng mga magulang nmen, pngalawa mkapag focus sa pgaaral at higit sa lahatmas maraming bonding time ang bakrakada.

may mga nkinig meron din nmng ndi ... pero either way kaibigan q a rin clang lahat. hanggang dumating sa time na ndi q na pwedeng idahilan sakanila ung pging bata nmen ... college na kme, nsa legal age na ... pnapayagan na nga cla ng mga magulang nila e ... cno nmn aq para umepal pa dba?

ayun na nga nagkaron na cla ng kanya kanyang love life ... tatwag cla sken kilig na kilig tpos after ilang weeks umiiyak nmn. sobrang sinusumpa q ung mga taong nagpapaiyak sa mga kaibigan q. kng pwede q clang ipakulam gagawin q. ...

di q tlga makuha nun kng bket iniiyakan ng mga babae ang mga lalaki. akala q nun un na ung pnaka mababang dahilan ng pag iyak, mas mababa pa sa pgkahulog ng candy sa jeep o pagkatalo sa minesweeper.

hanggang sa mkahanap ng mr. forever ung bestfriend q ... mula sa halos araw araw at oras oras nmeng tawagan sa phone nging once a week or once a montha n lng ung usapan nmen ... at sa npaka sandaling oras na un ... wla kmeng ibang pinag uusapan kngdi ung mr. forever nya.

i don't get it. pano ka nkakatiis sa taong lgi kng pinapaiyak, lgi kng binabalewla ... hirap sa kaibigan, hihingi hingi ng advice sayo di nmn pakikinggan. tpos tatawg tawag syo umiiyak

friend: bkt xa ganun huhuhu akala q mahal nya q.
ako: sabi q nmn sayo iwanan mo na ung ugok na un e.
friend: ndi q kaya ....

blah blah blah blah

tpos next week malalaman mong cla na ulit ... tpos wla nnmn, tpos cla nnmn ... hay love life! sobrang gulo ... ang mahirap pa nyan kahit gano mo cla kagstog batukan, once na umiyak na cla ... wla ka rin nmng mga2wa kundi makinig sa storyang halos memorize mo na at yakapin cla pgkatapos, sasabihin mong: "shh, ok lng yan. ok lng yan."

kahit sobrang gsto mo nang bangasin ung mukha nung ugok na npaiyak sa kaibigan mo, ndi mo nmn mgawa dahil ndi nmn maalis ung sakit na nararamdaman ng kaibigan mo kahit gawin mo nga un. lalo lng xang msasaktan.

minsan nkakapagod din magbigay ng advice lalo n kung binabato rin pabalik sa pagmumukha mo. minsan iniisp q .. pag itong gagang to umiyak iyak sa harapan q mamaya ... isang malaking malaking kaltok at "I TOLD YOU SO!" ang sasalubong sa kanya.

pero ndi rin e ... ndi mo rin masasabi ung ganun ... at the end of the day ikaw pa rin un kaibigan nya. oo cguro nga kakaltukan mo xa ... pero pagtpos nun ... libre na ung balikat mo para iyakan nya. at kng gsto nya mang bumalik dun sa taong nagpaiyak sakanya ... all you can do is wish her luck. and trust her with her decision.

she may or may not make the right choices ... pero ang mahalaga may kaigan naghihintay sakanya para kaltukan at yakapin xa if it doesn't work out. right? isa pa ... kn ikaw ung mlalagay sa ganung sitwasyon alam mong mkaka asa ka rin sa kaltok at yakap nya.

so ... friend, good luck!!!
bsta pg ginago ka ulit nyang ugok na yan ... hehehe may kaibigan ka pa nmn e ...
ihanda mo lng ung pain reliever mo ... medyo mapapalakas ung kaltok na aabutin mo.

RANDOM THOUGHTS (and a mini play)

bored aq habang gnagwa q to kaya malamang halo halo.
jusko po!!! maawa na kayo! iligtas nyo yung dakilang HYPOCHODRIAC!!!
judgemental na kung judgemental ... pero para sakin kse isa silang malaking JOKE!

(o kung may psychologist na aapila jan, wla aqng pakialam!!!)

---------------------------- 2nd part---------------------------------------------------


sabi ng ate ko sakin .... kadalasan daw ng mga random memories na nagli-linger e either nag cause sayo ng sobrang positve or negative na feeling.

tulad noon super pinoint out nung isa naming pinsan na mali ang pagkabasa nya sa surname ni david boreanaz (sabi kse ng pinsan nmen david bunevacz daw)
anyway, after more or less 15 years ... nalaman nya na tama pla xa ... ayun .... hanggang ngaun naiinis pa rin xa sa thought na at that moment 15 yrs ago ... pinoint out nung isa naming pinsan na ndi xa marunong magbasa ....

moving on ... this is one example of that kind of random memory (ndi ganito exactly but you'll get the idea)

this is an ordinary conversation ....
the topic is .... ummm, cge na nga since na banggit q na hypochondriac na lng.

ako: blah blah blah .... hypochondriac

someone else: no, actually being a hypochodriac is blah blah blah blah blah ....

ako: nde, ... ibig qng sabihin. blah blah blah

someone else: no, you don't get it. this how blah blag works blah blah .....

ako: ah, oo nga noh

someone else: see what i mean the blah blah blah blah .... but blah blah blah

ako: ah oo gets ko na ... ganun pla un noh! ...

translation:

ako: tara pagusapan nten ang pgi2ng hypochondriac

someone else: hey stupid listen to me! actually i'm just saying this to imply to you that i know all about these things and i'm the most smartest in the whole wide entire universe galaxy. and by the way i'm not really trying to explain these things to you so don't expect me to arrive to a point or something like that. tell you what i'm gonna do, i'll just blab here for 5 mins then i'll give you some examples, i'm not saying that they have to be related to the topic. they'll be random examples related to me ofcourse .

ako: nde, ... ibig qng sabihin ... (parang lumalayo ka nmn ata sa topic e' ... sure ka bang pareho pa tayo ng topic na pinag uusapan?)

someone else: no, you don't get it. this how it works you'll say something i don't care if it makes sense or not. the goel only goal of this conversation is for me to make it clear to you that you, sweetie, cant talk about something related to my field of expertise ok. hey sweetie, you get that? ... so where were we ... oh yeah ... as i was saying i'll give you random examples then you'l act like you get it. you'll feel lesser of a person because i will make you feel that way.

ako: ah, oo nga noh cge cge itigil na nten tong usapan na to wla nmng pnatu2nguhan e. kala mo nmn na co-convice aq .. ulol ka ba?

someone else: see what i mean, you're actually doing very good! ... good girl, but i'm so sorry dear your opinion is not needed in this conversation. and if you try to point something out, i'll just talk louder so we'd catch people's attention, ofcourse i'll appear smart to them and you'll feel embarassed because they will think that you're stupid. then i'll laugh a little bit then i'll tell you(in a very inappropriate loud voice of course) that it's ok for someone not to know everything especially if that that someone isn't me. then everyone around us will be thinking "oh what a smart ****, and so nice too" ...

ako: ah oo gets ko na ... ganun pla un noh! ... (ang point pla ng usapan na to e mkakuha ka ng atensyon .... ah ... ok, di mo narinig naiirita lng sayo ung mag tao ... bwahahahaha )

the end.

DEATH as it comes

i wonder what would my death be like ... i've always thought that it would be from a head injury or something like that. i don't know why ... but i've been having a weird dream over and over ....


i'm lying on a couch and someone's stabbing me over and over
... and the wierd thing is ... he's doing it while having a casual conversation with me ...


now that would be a wierd way to die ....

... talking about death ...

i'm really really sick today.

i can't breathe. it's really hard for me as a matter of fact if i'd be given a chance ... i'll choose not to breathe ... i feel like the world is running out of oxygen




all of a sudden breathing is like a math exam to me ...

i'm scared ... i'm so fucking scared ...
i dont want to sleep ... i'm afraid that if i do ... i'd forget to breathe

i dont want to sleep my way to death ... that's one of lamest way to leave this earth ...
i'm not really scared of dying it's not death that i'm afraid of ...

it's the idea of leaving without really leaving anything significant ...
without anything special for people to remember me by

i suscribe to the idea that if it's your time then it's your time ...
no one can change that ...

i know my time will come
i just dont want it to be now.


(ndi aq nag eemo ... hehehe sobrang ndi tlga!)

I MISS THEM

i really miss them so much ... sometimes i wonder what would it be like if i never left them, if never left that school. i wonder would they still be my best pals? ... will we learn to really really trust each other ... i miss our chit chats, i miss the hotcakes, hot fudge, and shawarma rice that we ate together ... i wonder whatkind of person would i be like if i had spent the past 2 years with them. i miss my first set of college friends. i really liked them a lot ...

i dont know what's up with me today ... i dont why i missed them all of a sudden ... all i know is that i liked them ... i really really like them ... i miss the person that i was with them ...

but i dont regret anything ...

they were my pals, my friends .... and as long as they stilll want to they will be my friends ... i liked them .... it's kinda sad not to be them anymore ... but is ok ...





i have them now


ps.

(that picture symbolizes the whole JAYESWANEY ... well, not really but whatever ... the point is ... wag sana magtampo ung wla sa pic ... hehehe)

nag eemo nnmn aq

a drink with the "villains"

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY BEST FRIEND! (MAY09 '09)

it was my besy friend's 19th b-day last saturday. there was a small celebration. when i asked her who else will come, she just said high school friends ... so i assumed it would just be D12 ... i totally forgot about her other circle of friends ...

it feels so weird hanging out w/ the people i never really liked. i can't even remember being in the same room with them unless we're having a class.

they were ... "the in crowd" as others may say. and i was never really comfortable being around them. i can't believe it has been 4 years already ... they were talking about a lot of stuffs, interesting stuffs, that happened right in front of me ... and i just didn't care at that time. hanging out with my best friend's friends (the people that i was so jealous of) made me realize how i isolated myself back in high school ... how i judged people w/o even really knowing them, what they were like ...

back in the day ... i just took one look at them and i see the people whose trying to take my dearest friend away from our group, away from me ... i just took once glance and started putting labels on them ...

oh, that one's a slut, bastard, airhead, back-stabing bitch ... oh i hate her ... who does she think she is? ... blah blah blah.

never in my wildest imagination had i thought of hanging out w/ them. it's funny ... i actually enjoyed their company ... i ate all those nasty words i uttered against them ... i almost choked because there was an awful lot of cursing and bad-mouthing ... once again ... i proved myself wrong ...

i've come to realize . . . maybe fitting in is not really about pleasing everybody and try to seek acceptance from them ... maybe it's you who needs to learn how to accept the crowd, embrace it .... but do not let yourself be lost in it.

...

i feel like crap.

and i dont like it.