WHY do you have to be annoying on a freaking CHRISTMAS DAY???

just like my so-called cosmic law during birthdays ...
i also believe that everyone should be happy on christmas day.

naive???

maybe ... but who cares??? i want to be happy every christmas ... don't you?

i've always believed in SANTA CLAUS ...

and it's not just about his gifts ... well, i do want to recieve gifts but ...

what i really want from santa is a warm and big hug!!!

...

but this year ... sanat broke my heart TT__TT

so ... minus 1 point from my happy christmas

......

i am used to having simple celebration during christmas ...

with all my family member present ... plus my weird cousins ...

and

a nice ham sandwich with tons of mayo and a cup of hot aromatic chocolate would make my day.

but this year ...

my mom and dad aren't there for the chrismas countdown

you know that 5,4,3,2 .. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

we don't have the hot chocolate

i wasn't able to make my ham sandwhich

and oh ... i missed the countdown too!!!

so my christmas suck this year ...

....

i woke up past 1 in the morning

a very familiar and annoying voice woke me up ...

what the fuck? ... how could she be here???

infatuated part II (time warp)

15 days after that of exchange of smiles, i had the chance to see him again.
thinking that everything's fine now, i expected a little something

...i acted as normal as possible. i tried to hide that overflowing excitement. (landi tlga!)

he's coming my way ... what should i do??? breathe in .... breathe out .....okay ... he's 10 feet away from me, 9 ft, 8, .... 4, 3

....oh GOD he's in front of me ... oh GOD, oh GOD ... what should i say??? ... i'm thinking too much again

oh GOD he's talking to me now.

"hey how are you?" he said.

i immediately turned into an ice.

"hey! lopez ... have you seen your report card already?" he asked.

still ice. i don' know maybe he thought i didn't want to talk to him because i'm not responding. oh if he only knew ...

"... see you next school year then." he said then smiled.

i melted ... and as he was about to walk away i finally had the guts to talk ...

"yeah, i'm looking forward to it" i said at his back.

"me too."

then he melted me more with his magical smile again....



nah! never happened!!!



he was walking towards my way. i was ready to greet him. my hand is raising by itself ready for a little wave. ....but damn it! he just passed me by. ...

damn! what about the smile, the pat on my back ... what are those for????

he ignored me.



May 16, 2005 exactly 3 months after his freaking smile melted me.

i enrolled in another school, in another town, another region.now i'll be thousand miles away from my friends, my family and him. so i transferred to another school but that's a totally different story.



june 16 2005 it was a very ordinary and boring day at my new school, everyone was so mean to me and i have a bad headache. ... so i decided not to attend the rest of my class.

i went home and dive into my bed.



i woke up in the infirmary bed of my old school. i couldn't believe my eyes ...

how could i be here??? i transferred school already.

i got up, ate nurse saw me.

"you're awake " she said, offering me a glass of water.

god i'm bewitched. i thought to myself.

" ... hurry your lunch break is almost over"

holy macaroni is this really happening??? she's actually talking to me ....

"don't forget your medicine ok!!!" she said as she usually do whenever i'm there ... i was kind of a regular infirmary patient.

"um ... ok" i said, still clueless about what's happening. i went out straight to our favorite spot. there they (my friends) are eating.



"hey! how come you guys didn't wait for me???" i yelled at them.

"you were sleeping like a baby! what the hell do want us to do ... starve here til you wake up!" LA said.

i'm still confused

" we brought your food here anyway" this time it's criselle.

"thanks" i hesitantly accepted.

everything seems so normal

"hey guys ... you know that i'm not supposed to be here right?" i asked.

"yah stay in the infirmary. ... where you belong!"

"no ... i mean, i transferred school already"

"still frustrated about transferring huh? ... face it! your stuck with us." joanna said laughing.

they laughed ... i laughed with them though i'm still a little confused. oh my GOD am i being tricked by something unseen ... have i unknowingly stepped on a "punso"? .... i am not feeling well, i don't know what's happening ... it cant get any worse now, can it?



.... well, that's what i thought .....the bell rang! my friends went back to their respective classrooms ... ans i was going to .. but ... where?

now where am i supposed to go? i thought to myself ....

people flooded the hallway and i'm stuck in the middle of it. i dropped my lunch box (if you can call it that) i have to pick it up of course ... then someone bumped into me and i fell on the floor.

"hey what the hell are you still doing here? ... aren't you supposed to be in class?" i heard a familiar voice say.

"umm, yeah i know but .... the thing is ...... i dont know where my classroom is" i said, dusting myself off.

"still high from the infirmary meds huh?"

"the what?" i asked

i dont even know who am i talking to. i'm still on the floor. and i still don't have any idea where my freaking room is!!! .... then he reached out for my hand and helped me get up.

"umm, thanks" i awkwardly said.

then finally got the chance to look at his face to see who he is ... and ..... oh my LORD!!! it's him! he's holding my hands, he's smiling at me .... and ... oh my GOD i am melting again.

"hey do you know where my room is?" i asked, feeling a burning sensation on my cheeks.

"you're kidding right?" he said. his eyebrows are meeting in the middle, and that's not a good sign.

i just gave him a blank stare

"it's ether that ... or ... you're trying to be cute." he said bluntly.

blank stare.

"come on we're late!" he yelled.

he looked a bit pissed now, but what can i do??? i really don't know where my room is.

"umm, it's ok i'll just go back to the infirmary." i said, with fear evident in my voice.

he looked at me as if he's examining my face or something

"you're serious ... you really are." finally, his pissed-off face melted. and that made me relax a bit.

"ummm .... yeah"

he grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me through the hallway and we went up to the second floor .... he kept on dragging me then we stopped in front of the room that says

welcome junior B

"hey both of you .. you're late ... stay outside til i say so" an angry and slightly scary voice say.

oh good heavens! it's our filipino teacher ... now we have to stay outside until her subject is over ... we sat along the hallway and talked, joked around and laughed ... it was ... how should i say this? .... ummm, perfect.

*sigh* ... it was perfect ... until ....

oh GOD i think i have to throw up ... breathe in breathe out ... no, no i can control this .... TOO LATE! .... (*% *$*&*^ *%$ 0^^$^# #&^%$^%$)


"ma'am she's throwing up!!! .... are you okay?" he said, panicking.

"yah i'm fi.... #%^@Q% @$%&@$&" i was supposed to say i'm ok ... but my darn puke just had to come out.

"i'll take you back to the infirmary"

"no need ... i'm fine."

"hey! you ARE SICK ... why did you even bother to go to school anyway?"

i felt like the ground was shaking ... oh GOD ... why do i have to be sick? ... he took me to the infirmary but the nurse wasn't there ... so he decided to stay there with me.

"hey, you should take your medicine and get some sleep... "

"but ... i just woke up .... and ... i'm all alone here ... it's kinda scary."

"fine. i'll stay here till you fall asleep"

i took my medicine. he gave me water. he sat on the other bed and just watched me.

"... are you sure you want to stay here ... i mean, it's time for our next subject right?"

"i don't care .... it's just out our study period anyway"

the next 15 minutes was pure silence ... it's deafening ... i have all this this things that i wanted to say, that i wanted to ask .... that i wanted to clarify ... but i just couldn't say anything ... finally, he broke the silence ......

"hey... can i ask you something?"

"sure ... what is it?"

"why did we fight?"

i dont know, but i was hoping you're friend, if you can call him that, wasn't just playing me when he said that it's because you liked me. ... yeah i wish i could say that out lout. but i couldn't.

"i ... ummm, i don't know ... maybe because you never said it"

"say what?"

you know ... that all of those horrible things you did was to get back at me for pairing you up and my friend ... when you clearly wanted me. ... yeah ... in my dreams.

"you know ... that you're sorry for about my books, my stuff..... it's my turn to ask now"

"yeah ... what is it?"

is it because you liked me? ... now seriously i gotta be careful before i say anything out loud.

"why were you mean to me?"

"you don't know?"

what are you, stupid? ... of course I ... well i think i do ... i just want to hear it from you. so please ... let me hear it.

"of course i don't. will i ask if i do?"

" .... I'M SORRY ... there's your sorry .... now get some sleep"

NNOOO. ... that's the wrong answer

he gave me another pillow then he tapped my head .... he put a glass of water beside my bed then he took off ... i was thinking ... what the hell happened to i'll-stay-here-till-you-fall-asleep???"

the next thing i remember is waking up in my bed ... a month after i dropped out from my new school and went back to manila ... i enrolled to a new school and guess what my section is ... what a surprise .... i am a junior B ... and so was he .... but we're in different schools now.

i love you ..... but i'm not IN LOVE with you.

I have never really experienced romantic love before ...
i don't know ... i was just never contaminated by that high-school-love-is-in-the-air syndrome ...
umm, maybe because nobody really "liked" me that way.
or if there was ...








....



no, there was none.




everytime my aunts and uncles ask my mom if we(my sister and i) already have a boyfriend
my mom would instantly answer

"no, i dont think so ... my girls wants to finish college first."


the fact that we are focusing on our studies makes my mom really proud (focusing???)
and so was i. my plan is to finish college without anything that would make it complicated.





...


then you came ...





sure i have had crushes before (who doesn't?)
crush .... just crush and that's it.




you are the first person to ever make me think of ... .... .... uhmm, love.
and it scared the hell out of me.
could it be? ... are you really my ............ first love????
NO WAY!





i cant tolerate this kind of feeling. not now ... probably not ever!
i wish this came when i was was in high school ... maybe then....
but now, i am so busy ... or atleast i think i am.






plus , the fact that it is you ... it just makes it ...
uhmmm, how do i say this ...
weird and complicated and probably NOT ACCEPTABLE.



first, scarlett will never tolerate this
my brother ... ummm, he would never say anything but i know he wouldn't like it either.
and MY PARNETS ... oh GOD, i can't afford to hurt them.
falling in love with you would hurt my mom ...
she might say it wont ... but it will ... i know.


and me! ... i cant even imagine being "with you".
do you know how hard this is for me???
i want you but i dont want to be "with you".
but when i'm not with you i miss you.




i wanted to just avoid you and get this over with
but i don't want to loose your friendship.
you are such a good friend and i'm so lucky to have you.
i don't want to throw it all away just because of this stupid feeling.





you're the sudden burst of colour that can't fit in my paradise.





just the thought of something not fitting in there
makes me feel that everything is wrong.





"if you can't fix it, stand it"
.....
"if you can't stand it, FIX IT!!!"




... i can't stand it.
so i really need to fix it.
i'll do whatever it takes to fix this stupid blood-pumping machine.





i cant stand feeling weird around you.
i cant stand not being able to sleep for weeks.
i cant stand not being able to sleep even in the bus!
i cant stand the thought of me considering this feelings.
i cant stand my stupid self for allowing malice to come between our friendship.
i cant stand not being the normal me.
i just want the normal me.





......





i've seeked help from a few trusted people.
some helped me feel a little better. while some ......
umm, messed up my mind more.


i thought maybe this is just a psychological problem.
i'll be stucked in the cuckoo's nest forever!






......





answers answers answers ...
now where should i get them???
are they for sale????
how much?



i've been driving myself crazy for a while now.
looking for a cure to this sickness.





i've searched everywhere.

...

it took me this long to realize that you are the cure too!
all i did was to really look at you ....
then i asked myself .... is this love?
if it is ... then why wouldn't i fight for it?


but then again .... maybe it's not.
maybe i was just confused ...
maybe i was just contaminated ....


....


this made me realize .......

it's true .... i do love you



but i'm not in love with you .....


i love you because you trust me.
i love you because you're there to listen.
i love you because you appreciate me.
i love you because you're one of a kind.
just hanging out with you is one hell of an adventure.

... but most of all ...

i love you because you are my FRIEND

you are my friend .... that's it.

no weird heartbeats

no palm sweating

no butterflies in my stomach

no magical feelings ....

so can i call this ramntic love???

no.

not in my standards ....

for me, romantic love is something that

would make me break all my rules

turn my world upside down

would make me forget about everything else for 10 minutes.

and i don't want that

... im glad i didn't let go of our friendship when i thought i had to.

ps:

the fireworks was great ...wasn't it?

(if you know who am i talking to ... pls. keep our little secret ... i love secrets ..... it makes life a little more exciting ... so allow me to have one)

SANTA IGNORED ME!!!!

*an evil cramped leg woke me up at 3am this morning!!!
*ndi aq nkapag breakfast
*nadulas aq pag labas ko ng gate
*pag sakay ko ng jeep nadulas ulit aq at muntik ko pang maupuan ung isang kuya
*nag pahabol pa ung P***ngI**ang bus! ... at pagsakay ko binilisan nya kaya dumere-derecho aq
sa likod
*ang epal nung katabi ko sa bus
*pag sakay q ng jeep papunta sa school nadulas ulit aq
*pag baba q ng jeep nadulas nanaman aq!!!
*late si sir tiambeng
*nag extend ang NSTP nmen
*i almost died of starvation ... IN FRONT OF THE FOOD!!!!!
*after qng kumain i had an upset stomach
*sinuka ko rin lahat ng kinain q
*dumaan kme sa SM ... badtrip HINDI AKO PINANSIN NI SANtA!!!!!
*sobrang hirap sumakay ... badtrip tlga
*at itong mga putang amang mga player ng survivor na to ... pucha! ang absurd!!!
(no offense sa mga pinoy survivor fans) shit tlga!!!!

ay nku po mga ate at kuya ... reality show po yang sinalihan nyo!!!! .... e ano naman kung mahirap ka ... that doesn't mean na ikaw na agad ung dapat manalo dba!!! ... e ano nmn kung bading ung isa or what ... does i affect your strategy on the game!!!

hay nku! tpos may txt voting hanggang sa survivor!!!
holy macaroni!!!! fuck nmn! hanggang ba sa survivor gagawin nilang popularity show yan!!!

at puking inang love team yan!!! pag nakita q yan sa tv jusko po!!! ewan q na lang ... lahat ba ng reality show sa pinas gagawing star search?????


hay nku santa kasalanan mo to!!!!
hindi mo kse aq pinansin e ...
di mo ba alam na childhood dream ko na makita ka????
< /3 you broke my heart santa!!!

infatuated part I (the day i got addicted)

4 yrs ago i got addicted to this guy. he's smart, he's a nice person, he's intelligent, uhm he kinda look like a character in a asian drama, he's funny, he was so good at math, we like the same tv programs .... and oh, .... did i mention that he's SMART?

and me ....
i was a lazy and stupid sophomore student back then. i used to think that high school is just a synonym word of "fun".


first love????


nah! definitely not! it wasn't love. i know.





at first i thought i only liked him because he was my seatmate. i had this sickness back then and i call it the "seatmate syndrome" its funny how i used to have a crush on almost take note of the word "ALMOST" all of my seatmates back in elementary and high school.


(landi)





aside from being my seatmate he was also my cheat mate, chat mate and cursing buddy
since we hate "almost" the same people in the room.
we used to talk a lot, laugh a lot and tease each other a lot.
but at that time i wasn't aware that i'm beginning to like him.

and when i finally noticed it ... i teased him more ... and paired him up with one of my friends
which i think is the main reason why he hated me.
i did that because i didn't want anyone to find out that i have a crush on him.
(pretty childish huh! what do you expect ... i was a kid back then)




we weren't friends "friends" i mean inside that basement, we call "classroom", yeah we do things that friends do. but when that bell rings and we're outside that pretty little cage, we automatically become just classmates. just a few nods, high fives, and quick stares ... that's all no talks ... as in zero.





then came this one unfogettable field trip.
i dont know but for some reason he was really really pissed at me. he called me names.
and it ruined my damned last fieldtrip in that freaking school.
the next day. w/c is by the way decemer 10 2004 and exactly 4 yrs ago ( technically, its 4 yrs and almost 1 day, since it's already 12:34 am) my cursed addiction started.



the moment i closed the door to that potential friendship. i wasn't aware that i opened another door for him in my life. being totally unaware of my stupidity, i gave a large piece of my hollowed brain. he was like a virus inside my system slowly corrupting every file inside my low tech brain until all i can think about is him.





days had passed without any conversation. we just sat there ignoring each other. all i wanted was a simple sorry and everything would've been fine. but he didn't say anything at all.
we carried on our petty little cold war.



i missed him. i knew that i'm starting to miss him but being the girls-don't-need-boys kind of kid, i denied it to myself, and for a while i believed that stupid lie of mine.
until my systems went out of control. i really miss him so bad.



after a few weeks of silent war, he was fed up by our "kid's fight". he finally made his move.
he started tearing up my paper bags w/c by the way contained 8 heavy books.
i ignored it though i was really pissed. i tied my books up carried my them back home.
(ugh! that was torture!!!)



he and his freaking friends was not at all satisfied by that. they started to draw perverted stuffs on my books, drew on my handbook picture, and in my class picture too.


i was so damn pissed i almost cried. my friends saw it and it made them boiling mad. they told me to report him. but knowing his class standing, i couldn't do it. he was such a bright student i cant stand to see that brilliant golden brain being put to waste just beacuase of a stupid kid's fight.




then one of his "fienemies" told me
"do you know why he keeps on doing that to you?"
"beacuse he hates me, that's why"
"no, it's because he likes you"

then he gave me that devilish and sarcastic laugh.



then there came my oppurtunity to make peace with him.
our recollection. after few activities, i saw him in the corner, it's as if he's hiding.
OH MY GOD!!!! was he crying???
those tears melted me in an instant. it just melted everything i have inside against him.
and so .... i decided not to report him.


TOO LATE!
my friend already showed my damaged stuffs to my adviser.
i may be stupid or just temporarily insane, but i really felt bad.
i planned on talking to him but ...
how could i??? knowing that i will take away his rightful place on that bulletin board.

OUTSTANDING STUDENTS ... i know he really wants his name there.

then our christmas party ....

it was almost ruined because my mom saw my damaged books, they were so expensive by the way. i was only able to afford it because of the school loan. my mom was furiuos. she wants to go to our christmas party and confront him.


i was like NO WAY!!!! mom! please let christmas pass ... please
i know he didn't mean it anyway (urgh! i was so stupid! i how could he not mean it ... what? he accidentally drew those perverted stuffs on my books???)


after the holiday break our adviser talked to him ... if front of the whole class ...
well minus me ofcourse.
she was mad at him and asked him who are the others.
but, he didn't tell her.

then she started talking about how i defended him from my mom blah blah blah.
how i was so concerned about his class standing, that i don't want them to to give him a D on his report card. i swear if i had been there i would've melted to death, evaporate then poof! just disappear. that was the most embarassing thing ever!
as for my little secret .. i thought i should kiss it goodbye.


but hey nobody noticed it. they tease for a while sure ...
"yesss! she was concerned"
but they almost instantly forgot about it.




then came another chance for reconciliation.
i was late (force of habbit) they've already started with the activity.

OH SHOOT!!! i don't have any paper. being my stupid self, i searched inside my bag though i know there's nothing there. i was waiting for a damn miracle!


then he looked at me, i saw him smile in the corner of my eye.
he asked his friend for a paper then he gave it to me, then he smiled.

i was strucked. i felt a weird beat inside my chest. was it the drum and lyre band??? ... yeah i thought so. i didn't even get thank him.
the beat kept on going.



after that we had another seatwork and SHOOT!!! i don't have my book either.
i just sat there in my chair waiting for another miracle.
then he finished, he silently put his book on my desk then said "go ahead, you can borrow it."
then a heart-melting smile.



i took his book and laughed at him.
"are you on drugs??? why are you acting weird? stop being nice, you're giving me goosebumps." i laughed again this time he laughed with me. we shook hands, exchanged sorries then started to talk about people behind their backs again.

snap back to reality!

no, it didn't happen .. i just gave him a blank stare and an awkward smile instead.

i wanted to talk to him again so bad. i missed our old chit chats. ... i missed the way he asks me to sing the theme song of this taiwanese drama (he said it's corny) and he'll just laugh his lungs out when i do.

i just wanted to have that potential friend back. but i did another stupid thing. and now he hated me more than ever. he was really pissed, i can tell. ... and he stopped being nice to me. i wanted to say sorry, i didn't really mean what i said ... umm, well, i did mean it but it wasn't for him.

after that we stopped talking.

well, he still talks to me but just for my damaged stuffs. he ask i answer ... just that!

march 16 2005

my last day in that freaking academy. i spent almost half of the day looking at him. i wanted to talk to him. the is the last day anyway ... i have nothing to loose. i wasted my last chance of talking to him. i just sat there looking at him and that's it.

when the bell rang it was really over. he headed home.

i ran outside, i followed him i needed to say i was sorry and that it was fun having him as my seatmate. he was heading towards the gate. i stopped him.

"hey, can we talk ... ummm please? .. i have something i wanted to say"

"me too" ....

nah! it didn't happen either. i left the room when i felt like going home already. to my surprise he was still there. suddenly he's the only clear image i could see, everyone else was kinda blurry. he's on his way down the basement and i was on my way home. when we meet at the middle part of the stairs i knew that that was my LAST as in last chance of saying goodbye or sorry or whatever. i was thinking too much ... he's already in front of me.

all those things i've been planning to say has melted in my mouth.

i tapped his shoulders "we're cool now .... aren't we?"

he just passed by me. i was so sad. that freaking bastard! how could he act that way!!! he was the one who hurt me, insulted me and damaged my things ... whatever ... if we're not cool for him, fine!!!

then i felt a pat on my back "yeah ... we are."

i looked back, he was smiling and i smiled back.

the drum and lyre band was inside my chest again ... playing that damn song ...
over and over ....

the beat kept on going.

sudden burst of colours ... it's hurting my eyes ... now it makes me want to cry

Get this widget Track details eSnips Social DNA

inside this chaotic jungle i call my mind
i have this colorful paradise ... everything's so bright
glittering, sparkling ... it was the most beautiful place i've ever seen.


it has all the colors in the world.
it's abstract and yet so easy to understand
it's not complicated in any way.


my world, my secret world ... yeah that's simply it!



in my world you can see fairies and dragons and robots from the future.
you will see spies and aliens and undercover agents.
everything you could ever imagine is just there
my world knows no bounderies
everyone is so uncompatible ..... and still
they all fit so perfectly.



you can just tell how i love my colorful world.
because in the real world if i'm not allowed to get what i want ...
that means i'm not allowed.
but i was never been embittered by the fact that some things aren't meant for me to have.
because i know in my paradise it will fit perfectly
in my paradise, there is no such thing as "not allowed."
in my paradise every color complements each other.



so if i'd be given a chance to choose between reality and and my paradise ...
i'd choose my paradise ... in a heartbeat!





in reality i have this dull sheet of paper they call life.
everything's in the shade of gray.
i wanted it to be as colorful as my paradise but i'm afraid of the consequences.
i want to get a paint and just splash it in my paper.
i want to put glitters in it.
cut outs. everything!

i wanted it to be a work of art ...
a very beautilful piece of trash.
but i'm so damn scared!!!

all my life i've been living in this shade of gray.
my comfort zone ... it's boring, yes ... but whatever
at least i know that inside that dull gray shade
i'll always be safe. ... yeah.. bored .... but safe!

i wanted to choose bright colors but i'm afraid they won't blend.
so ... i end up using pencil in my paper ... just pencil ..... always pencil ...
because i know no matter how i ugly it might turn out .. i can always erase it.


now this sudden splash of colours ...
it's so inviting, so tempting, so hypnotizing....
this sudden splah of colours in my gray shaded paper ...
it's hurting my eyes and it makes me want to cry.

i dont think i'm ready for it.
i want it and i dont want it at the same time
and it hurts to feel that way.

this sudden splash of colours is making my dull paper complicated.
it's brightness blinded me. almost took away my ability to think.
that bright, bright color that it has ...
has captured a part of me i never thought i had.

i know i want it but i cant have it ... i cant and i dont want to.
it's giving me a headache .. a really bad one!
just thinking about it makes me want to stop thinking
talking about it makes me lose every sensible word i want to say.


this bizzare blend of red and orange and yellow and purple and black and green
and every freaking colour that ever existed ...
every freaking colour in the world ... it has it ...
and it makes me want to run to it ... dive into it ...
into its tempting pool of beautiful colours.


but i know better ...
i know where my place should be ...
anywhere, anywhere as long as it's not there ...
whenever i see it coming in my direction ....
all i ever have to do is turn around and walk away.


walk away from it ...
a simple solution to a very simple problem ....


simple and easy???


yeah, simple but definitely not easy

it's funny because if another person has this problem and asks me for an advice
... my quick reply would be ...
if you don't want it ... then just turn around and walk away ....

sadly .. that's not the case here ... my damn problem is ...
i think this stupid blood-pumping machine inside my body wants it.
or i don't know ... maybe this stupid microchip inside my skull is just playing
this stupid and annoying game on me ....

making me believe this is more than what it really is ...
i don't know ...
all i know is that it is so freaking weird ...
because even inside my colorful paradise .... i know this sudden burst of colours wont fit
it wont blend ... i tried
... but it just can't ...
for the first time ... something from reality wont fit in my paradise ...

it's hurting me ....
it's hurting me so bad!!!

... i never thought the word "not allowed" would ever exist in my paradise.
now this beatiful sudden burst of colours ....
i wont be tempted by it ...
because i know deep down inside ...
somebody else owns it ....
it is only there for me to look at ... not for anything else ...


sadly i don't think it is for sale ...
or even if if it is ... i know i cant afford it.
and i'm not that stupid to sell every freaking thing i worked for
just for that ....

it's hurting my eyes ....


and now ...... it makes me want to cry .....

awful headache ... it hurts so damn bad!!!

headache!

i hate this feeling ...
something inside me hurts and its making me hurt all over.

it's so damn weird that these small cuts that i have gives me headache ... a really bad one.
small cuts ...
i always have small cuts and i don't even know where i got them.

i always have these minor, minor wounds
they're so small so whining about them seems to be a little absurd.
...

so i just ignore them because i know they will heal in no time.


*sigh

small wounds ...
yeah they sure heal fast but damn they hurt so bad.
but whatever ... i mean it'll only take a few days
and they'll be gone ... poof! just like that ... you know.


but today ... it really hurts ...
i don't wanna whine abou it
but holy macaroni this shit is freaking killing me!!!

first it started w/ a small cut i got from the jeepney.
then another small cut that i had no idea where i got.
then this cursed wisdom tooth and it made my freaking gums swell.
(i mean my GOD! it's been growing inside my mouth for over a year now)
then finally this freaking mysterious spot in my forehead.


it just came out of nowhere and hurts like hell!
i hate this damn feeling ...

i always ignore minor wounds like these
i didn't thought that if there were a lot of them it will freaking hurt this BAD!!!


again, i really hate that i'm whining about small stuffs like these.
but what the hell man!
this is my damn blog and i'm free to write anything

no matter how senseless they may be ...
and it is ALL ABOUT ME!!!
this is my blog and i'm the always the main character in it!
everyting inside this trash bag of mine is ABOUT ME, ME and ME

ok so you wasted your time reading this senseless post
what the fuck! it's your fault you read it.
it's not like i forced you right!


oh shoot! sorry guest,
sorry for being rude ....
it's just that my head aches so bad
and i can't think of anything to write!

oh GOD it really hurts!