i love you ..... but i'm not IN LOVE with you.

I have never really experienced romantic love before ...
i don't know ... i was just never contaminated by that high-school-love-is-in-the-air syndrome ...
umm, maybe because nobody really "liked" me that way.
or if there was ...








....



no, there was none.




everytime my aunts and uncles ask my mom if we(my sister and i) already have a boyfriend
my mom would instantly answer

"no, i dont think so ... my girls wants to finish college first."


the fact that we are focusing on our studies makes my mom really proud (focusing???)
and so was i. my plan is to finish college without anything that would make it complicated.





...


then you came ...





sure i have had crushes before (who doesn't?)
crush .... just crush and that's it.




you are the first person to ever make me think of ... .... .... uhmm, love.
and it scared the hell out of me.
could it be? ... are you really my ............ first love????
NO WAY!





i cant tolerate this kind of feeling. not now ... probably not ever!
i wish this came when i was was in high school ... maybe then....
but now, i am so busy ... or atleast i think i am.






plus , the fact that it is you ... it just makes it ...
uhmmm, how do i say this ...
weird and complicated and probably NOT ACCEPTABLE.



first, scarlett will never tolerate this
my brother ... ummm, he would never say anything but i know he wouldn't like it either.
and MY PARNETS ... oh GOD, i can't afford to hurt them.
falling in love with you would hurt my mom ...
she might say it wont ... but it will ... i know.


and me! ... i cant even imagine being "with you".
do you know how hard this is for me???
i want you but i dont want to be "with you".
but when i'm not with you i miss you.




i wanted to just avoid you and get this over with
but i don't want to loose your friendship.
you are such a good friend and i'm so lucky to have you.
i don't want to throw it all away just because of this stupid feeling.





you're the sudden burst of colour that can't fit in my paradise.





just the thought of something not fitting in there
makes me feel that everything is wrong.





"if you can't fix it, stand it"
.....
"if you can't stand it, FIX IT!!!"




... i can't stand it.
so i really need to fix it.
i'll do whatever it takes to fix this stupid blood-pumping machine.





i cant stand feeling weird around you.
i cant stand not being able to sleep for weeks.
i cant stand not being able to sleep even in the bus!
i cant stand the thought of me considering this feelings.
i cant stand my stupid self for allowing malice to come between our friendship.
i cant stand not being the normal me.
i just want the normal me.





......





i've seeked help from a few trusted people.
some helped me feel a little better. while some ......
umm, messed up my mind more.


i thought maybe this is just a psychological problem.
i'll be stucked in the cuckoo's nest forever!






......





answers answers answers ...
now where should i get them???
are they for sale????
how much?



i've been driving myself crazy for a while now.
looking for a cure to this sickness.





i've searched everywhere.

...

it took me this long to realize that you are the cure too!
all i did was to really look at you ....
then i asked myself .... is this love?
if it is ... then why wouldn't i fight for it?


but then again .... maybe it's not.
maybe i was just confused ...
maybe i was just contaminated ....


....


this made me realize .......

it's true .... i do love you



but i'm not in love with you .....


i love you because you trust me.
i love you because you're there to listen.
i love you because you appreciate me.
i love you because you're one of a kind.
just hanging out with you is one hell of an adventure.

... but most of all ...

i love you because you are my FRIEND

you are my friend .... that's it.

no weird heartbeats

no palm sweating

no butterflies in my stomach

no magical feelings ....

so can i call this ramntic love???

no.

not in my standards ....

for me, romantic love is something that

would make me break all my rules

turn my world upside down

would make me forget about everything else for 10 minutes.

and i don't want that

... im glad i didn't let go of our friendship when i thought i had to.

ps:

the fireworks was great ...wasn't it?

(if you know who am i talking to ... pls. keep our little secret ... i love secrets ..... it makes life a little more exciting ... so allow me to have one)