infatuated part I (the day i got addicted)

4 yrs ago i got addicted to this guy. he's smart, he's a nice person, he's intelligent, uhm he kinda look like a character in a asian drama, he's funny, he was so good at math, we like the same tv programs .... and oh, .... did i mention that he's SMART?

and me ....
i was a lazy and stupid sophomore student back then. i used to think that high school is just a synonym word of "fun".


first love????


nah! definitely not! it wasn't love. i know.





at first i thought i only liked him because he was my seatmate. i had this sickness back then and i call it the "seatmate syndrome" its funny how i used to have a crush on almost take note of the word "ALMOST" all of my seatmates back in elementary and high school.


(landi)





aside from being my seatmate he was also my cheat mate, chat mate and cursing buddy
since we hate "almost" the same people in the room.
we used to talk a lot, laugh a lot and tease each other a lot.
but at that time i wasn't aware that i'm beginning to like him.

and when i finally noticed it ... i teased him more ... and paired him up with one of my friends
which i think is the main reason why he hated me.
i did that because i didn't want anyone to find out that i have a crush on him.
(pretty childish huh! what do you expect ... i was a kid back then)




we weren't friends "friends" i mean inside that basement, we call "classroom", yeah we do things that friends do. but when that bell rings and we're outside that pretty little cage, we automatically become just classmates. just a few nods, high fives, and quick stares ... that's all no talks ... as in zero.





then came this one unfogettable field trip.
i dont know but for some reason he was really really pissed at me. he called me names.
and it ruined my damned last fieldtrip in that freaking school.
the next day. w/c is by the way decemer 10 2004 and exactly 4 yrs ago ( technically, its 4 yrs and almost 1 day, since it's already 12:34 am) my cursed addiction started.



the moment i closed the door to that potential friendship. i wasn't aware that i opened another door for him in my life. being totally unaware of my stupidity, i gave a large piece of my hollowed brain. he was like a virus inside my system slowly corrupting every file inside my low tech brain until all i can think about is him.





days had passed without any conversation. we just sat there ignoring each other. all i wanted was a simple sorry and everything would've been fine. but he didn't say anything at all.
we carried on our petty little cold war.



i missed him. i knew that i'm starting to miss him but being the girls-don't-need-boys kind of kid, i denied it to myself, and for a while i believed that stupid lie of mine.
until my systems went out of control. i really miss him so bad.



after a few weeks of silent war, he was fed up by our "kid's fight". he finally made his move.
he started tearing up my paper bags w/c by the way contained 8 heavy books.
i ignored it though i was really pissed. i tied my books up carried my them back home.
(ugh! that was torture!!!)



he and his freaking friends was not at all satisfied by that. they started to draw perverted stuffs on my books, drew on my handbook picture, and in my class picture too.


i was so damn pissed i almost cried. my friends saw it and it made them boiling mad. they told me to report him. but knowing his class standing, i couldn't do it. he was such a bright student i cant stand to see that brilliant golden brain being put to waste just beacuase of a stupid kid's fight.




then one of his "fienemies" told me
"do you know why he keeps on doing that to you?"
"beacuse he hates me, that's why"
"no, it's because he likes you"

then he gave me that devilish and sarcastic laugh.



then there came my oppurtunity to make peace with him.
our recollection. after few activities, i saw him in the corner, it's as if he's hiding.
OH MY GOD!!!! was he crying???
those tears melted me in an instant. it just melted everything i have inside against him.
and so .... i decided not to report him.


TOO LATE!
my friend already showed my damaged stuffs to my adviser.
i may be stupid or just temporarily insane, but i really felt bad.
i planned on talking to him but ...
how could i??? knowing that i will take away his rightful place on that bulletin board.

OUTSTANDING STUDENTS ... i know he really wants his name there.

then our christmas party ....

it was almost ruined because my mom saw my damaged books, they were so expensive by the way. i was only able to afford it because of the school loan. my mom was furiuos. she wants to go to our christmas party and confront him.


i was like NO WAY!!!! mom! please let christmas pass ... please
i know he didn't mean it anyway (urgh! i was so stupid! i how could he not mean it ... what? he accidentally drew those perverted stuffs on my books???)


after the holiday break our adviser talked to him ... if front of the whole class ...
well minus me ofcourse.
she was mad at him and asked him who are the others.
but, he didn't tell her.

then she started talking about how i defended him from my mom blah blah blah.
how i was so concerned about his class standing, that i don't want them to to give him a D on his report card. i swear if i had been there i would've melted to death, evaporate then poof! just disappear. that was the most embarassing thing ever!
as for my little secret .. i thought i should kiss it goodbye.


but hey nobody noticed it. they tease for a while sure ...
"yesss! she was concerned"
but they almost instantly forgot about it.




then came another chance for reconciliation.
i was late (force of habbit) they've already started with the activity.

OH SHOOT!!! i don't have any paper. being my stupid self, i searched inside my bag though i know there's nothing there. i was waiting for a damn miracle!


then he looked at me, i saw him smile in the corner of my eye.
he asked his friend for a paper then he gave it to me, then he smiled.

i was strucked. i felt a weird beat inside my chest. was it the drum and lyre band??? ... yeah i thought so. i didn't even get thank him.
the beat kept on going.



after that we had another seatwork and SHOOT!!! i don't have my book either.
i just sat there in my chair waiting for another miracle.
then he finished, he silently put his book on my desk then said "go ahead, you can borrow it."
then a heart-melting smile.



i took his book and laughed at him.
"are you on drugs??? why are you acting weird? stop being nice, you're giving me goosebumps." i laughed again this time he laughed with me. we shook hands, exchanged sorries then started to talk about people behind their backs again.

snap back to reality!

no, it didn't happen .. i just gave him a blank stare and an awkward smile instead.

i wanted to talk to him again so bad. i missed our old chit chats. ... i missed the way he asks me to sing the theme song of this taiwanese drama (he said it's corny) and he'll just laugh his lungs out when i do.

i just wanted to have that potential friend back. but i did another stupid thing. and now he hated me more than ever. he was really pissed, i can tell. ... and he stopped being nice to me. i wanted to say sorry, i didn't really mean what i said ... umm, well, i did mean it but it wasn't for him.

after that we stopped talking.

well, he still talks to me but just for my damaged stuffs. he ask i answer ... just that!

march 16 2005

my last day in that freaking academy. i spent almost half of the day looking at him. i wanted to talk to him. the is the last day anyway ... i have nothing to loose. i wasted my last chance of talking to him. i just sat there looking at him and that's it.

when the bell rang it was really over. he headed home.

i ran outside, i followed him i needed to say i was sorry and that it was fun having him as my seatmate. he was heading towards the gate. i stopped him.

"hey, can we talk ... ummm please? .. i have something i wanted to say"

"me too" ....

nah! it didn't happen either. i left the room when i felt like going home already. to my surprise he was still there. suddenly he's the only clear image i could see, everyone else was kinda blurry. he's on his way down the basement and i was on my way home. when we meet at the middle part of the stairs i knew that that was my LAST as in last chance of saying goodbye or sorry or whatever. i was thinking too much ... he's already in front of me.

all those things i've been planning to say has melted in my mouth.

i tapped his shoulders "we're cool now .... aren't we?"

he just passed by me. i was so sad. that freaking bastard! how could he act that way!!! he was the one who hurt me, insulted me and damaged my things ... whatever ... if we're not cool for him, fine!!!

then i felt a pat on my back "yeah ... we are."

i looked back, he was smiling and i smiled back.

the drum and lyre band was inside my chest again ... playing that damn song ...
over and over ....

the beat kept on going.