healed!

I've been depressed this month ... ironic because this was suppose to be my "month" or at least I'd like to think so. i haven't written any articles yet. i lost all directions ... and ummm ... i kinda felt a little something ... infatuation i guess ... anyway, it just added up on my bad feelings which is already piling up.

before this wicked month i was trying to find a new light ... just trying to see the brighter side of everything. POSITIVITY ... i was trying to stay on it. a friend of mine said that it's impossible for me to stay positive without letting any negativity outta my system.

he was right i should have kept it balanced. i thought i was doing just good ... but i wasn't. i didn't realize that i'm no longer being positive, i was being naive.

it's nice to reconnect

it's nice to see someone familiar ... someone to remind you of who you were.


...

i remember the time when i was always there to back you up. you were always in trouble, you always feel bad, and i thought to myself ... should i hate you for dragging me into this whole mess?

maybe i should ... maybe if i would people would understand why. ...

i admit, sometimes when i think and i think hard, i wonder why'd you ever become my friend?
some say that our friendship is like a one way street ... and for some stupid reason i let it sink in my head.

but when i see you smile and laugh it makes it worth all the the trouble we've gone through because you are my friend. ... and i'll never get tired of it.

i thought as long as you need me i will be there ... i almost forgot that sometimes i need me to.
i forgot that sometimes i need you too ... i was so blinded by the idea of being some sor of your protector ... i forgot what being friends really meant ... it's doing things WITH them and not FOR them. ... i began to think that you're just there when you need me but you never returned the favor ... what i didn't understand back then is that i tried to act so cool as if i didn't need a hand. i mistook what you're trying to do as your way of abandoning me ...

you were trying to let me keep my strong facade in front of you. ... all those times you knew that i wanted to protect you ... and you allowed me to do just that ... all those times you tried to protect my ego by letting me protect you ... and i appreciate that.

... now seeing you after two long years ... it proves to me how strong our friendship was. ... i thought you were getting tired of me. getting tired of a friend trying to act so cool.


it's really nice seeing you after all those years ...

thanks for reminding me about the old days for reminding me how awful yet cool i was before ... and thanks for keeping me now as me ...

clutter is me.

I honestly don’t know where to start …

Remember when I said I am passive … well, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of passing on everything, and get bugged by the what-ifs that come along with it.

I’m tired of playing what-could’ve-happened-if-I-did-this in my head.

For once I’d like to speak my mind. I want to let it out … so maybe, just maybe … the weight of it will be lifted upon my shoulders. Maybe … I won’t get tired of being me anymore. Maybe I’ll like myself a little better.

I’m a coward … and I hate being that way.


living a life full of clutter is so damn draining. ... but clutter is me. i want to be surounded by things, by people ... they make me happy. some may not be as significant as the other ... but i still like to be with them anyway.
i love everything that makes me happy ... and i want to return the favor as much as i could.

i've never experienced really liking something to the point of taking a risk. when the things i want asked me to step out of my comfort zone ... i'll pass on them, thinking i's better not to take it because not taking it would mean i'll never loose it.

for the first time in my routinary life i wanted something big. i wanted to take over the wheel and go on the road tip of my life.

I DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITER.

i took the first step and look for a good school and i did find one. i didn' have that much support but i still went for it anyway ... and that is my second step ... i thought everything would flow as smooth as silk. i made myself believe that if i wanted it that bad then i'm gonna go get it.

but small things put me down easily ... i was so excited to be who i decided to be, i forgot about that detail.

i didnt really give it that much thought. for me failure is always a minor scratch.
i fail, i cry, i get over it then i'll start all over again.
i always thought it's as simple as that.

the thing is i played my life a little too safe. i never wanted anything this bad. this bad.

my heart is breaking into tiny pieces and the wind is blowing it away ... i dont think i can pick i up. i have lived in the world of mediocracy a little too long. i don't know what it's like in a competitive world like this. ... faced with difficulty, i break down. i cant be like that. not anymore.

because this time ... i really want to fight for this. i dont know how ... but i will. i should, for my own sake. ... i need to keep it together.


i dont know how. i dont freaking know how.

tablado nanaman ako. ... i dont want to be upset over small things like this ... but no matter how hard i try to smile and say it's ok ... i still am upset, i'm upset and i can't do anything about it.

...

maybe nikki is right, if i cant feel reciprocity then maybe i should turn my attention somewhere else.

someone said when you express your feelings just because you expect the subject of your feelings to reciprocate, then you must prepare yourself for the greatest disappointmet of your life.

when you tell someone you like them, you must do it for yourself. you must do it for you not to regret anything and have those what ifs forever. when you express what you feel you have to have the right reasons for it. ... though, that right reason may vary from one person to another ... it must still not be for selfish reasons ...

people who always expect for reciprocity are damned to live a miserable life ... for they will only do things for the sole reason of having something in return.

maybe, they should start to look around and realize that this is the real world! not a freaking fairytale book. where every princess has their prince charming. ...

the real world isn't like that ... not even close.

MR. CURIOUSITY

hey Mr. Curiousity, is it true what they've been saying about you?
are you killing me?
you took care of the cat already and for those who think it's heavy,
is it the truth? .. or is it only gossip?

call it mystery or anything just as long as you'd call me
i sent the message on did you get it when i left it?
see this catastrophic event wasn't meant to mean no harm.
but to think there's nothing wrong is a problem!

I'm looking for love this time, sounding hopeful but it's making me cry.
because love is a mystery ...
Mr. curious ...

come back to me.

Mr. waiting ever patient can't you see that i'm the same the way you left me,
in a hurry to spellcheck me.
and i'm underlined already in envy green and pencil red.
i've forgotten what you've said .. will you stop working for the dead and return?

Mr. curious, well i need some inspiration ...
it's my birthday and i cannot find no cause for celebration :(

the scenario is grave but i'll be braver when you save me
from this situation laden with hearsay

i'm looking for love this time, sounding hopeful but it's making me cry ...
try not to ask why

love is a mystery ... Mr. curiousity hey Mister please do come and find me

love is blinding when your timing's never right ...
but who am i to beg for difference finding love in a distant instant

but i don't mind ... at least i tried ... well i tried.

It's OK ... i'm soooo POSITIVE!!!

first let me tell you how wonderful the day is ...

well i wasn't able to eat my breakfast but it's ok ... nobody dies for skipping one breakfast right?
we have this college shirt and luckily ... mine has a tiny hole on the right sleeve, but it's fine ... nobody dies from having a hole on their shirt right?

then we had our lunch ... i bought half order of sauteed vegetables and rice ... it's actually good ... but i puked it all out in the afternoon ... my tummy hurts like hell ... but it's ok ... it didn't kill me so it's ok.

i have a schedule for an interview today ... for some reasons she cant make up her mind on when we could meet ... it was suppose to be 8 pm then she moved it to 5:30 the next day then she moved it again to 5pm today ... so i was there 5 mins. before 5 ... i waited for 1 hour and 1/2 for her. she didn't say sorry, she didn't even look at me ... she just passed me by as if i weren't there. anyway i continued with the "interview" if you can call it that. ... all i heard her say was blah blah blah blah ... stuffs i already know ... finally when it's time for me to ask real questions ... she took her phone and started calling people ... again, as if i weren't there ... then she left. ... she left just like that. ... but again ... it's fine ... i haven't heard anyone dying after having someone waste their time and bitch them around. so i guess i'll be fine.

after that very remarkable interview i went to my uncle's wake ... i was there in the middle of the drinking crowd working on my article i'm trying to make the most out of the informations i got on hand. ... then my cousins, decided to play that pseudo-rule on me. "the youngest has to follow orders" ... i know it's lame, i know it's stupid considering their age ... i mean they already have a family and all ..... the least i expected was for them to act the way they did 13 years ago. i admit i felt bad ... i told them that their excuse was lame (not to mention idiotic ... now this part i didn't say out loud) ... i mean if they want to ask for something they might as well have the common decency to ask nicely ... not play the your-the-youngest-be-our-slave-card on a busy and stressed out person ... again ... it's ok i did what they asked me to do anyway ... and guess what ... it didn't kill me.

now i still dont have an article i'm stuck on my crappy lead it's almost 3 in the morning and i haven't done anything productive yet. ... but it's ok ... i mean what's the worst thing that could happen ... i wouldn't finish my article, my professor will be dead mad at me. harsh words may or may not be thrown at me .... the point is, the worst thing he could ever do to me is make me cry, after that i'll move on and try to make another article ...

so what's so good about today???
i've been sick all afternoon, i've been ignored, bitched around, demeaned, stressed out etc....

this may have been one of the most "challenging" day of my life ... it's hard yeah ... but the point is none of those killed me. ... what doesn't kill me makes me stronger right?

so the way i see it ... today life has given me the oppurtunity to make myself stronger...

just in case you didn't notice ... I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!!!

somehow i'm proud of myself ... finally i'm ready to admit that i am capable of having such feelings that will make my heart skip a beat, weakens my knees or have pretty little butterflies inside my stomach.

as cheesy as it may sound ... i don't care! ...

but i think i am ... finally giving in ...

i cant help it anymore ...

i'm scared ...

some people say that "it's better to have loved and lost that to never have loved at all" ...
i didn't believe them ... for me it's "you cant lose what you never had."

i hate taking risks ...

i'm afraid of losing, of getting hurt, of stepping out of my comfort zone.
but all of those are part of this ... this human feeling.

as networkers always say
if you'll always do what you've always done ... you'll always get what you've always gotten ...

i hate saying bullshit things like this. i hate admitting embarassing stuffs like this ...

most of all i have never, not even in my wildest dream, had i ever imagined putting myself in an awfully awkward situation like this ...

i dont know what's with me today ...

i just hope you're worth it ... i think you are, i feel you are ...

i'll trust my gut feeling and assume that you feel it too ...

i hope you do.

...

i really want this so bad that i'm willing to invest this much ...

birthday

bakit bawal???

lintik na cosmic law ... 4 consecutive years mo na akong binibigo pero gago pa rin akong umaasa na may maganda kang idudulot kahit isang araw man lang sa buhay ko.

hanggang ngayon naniniwala pa rin aq na araw ko to! araw ko at ng bilyon bilyon pang taong kasabay q sa kapanganakan ko ... masaya kaya sila?

kung hindi ... e bakit naman??? bawal ba kami maging masaya
at kung oo ... e bakit ang daya naman???

akala ko magiging masaya .... e pano naman mangyayari yun kung ang unang 30 minuto e sira na!

hindi ko mapigilan ma upset.

WALA LANG

what could possibly be worse than a broken momentum? ... to some there are a lot of things, probably ...
but for me nothing is.

have you ever wanted something so bad but for some reasons you cant get it. everyday you pray for it, everyday you wish you have enough courage to go for it ... to take it, to own it.
but everyday you find yourself looking at it from afar ... just staring. contented in wishing it could be yours.

can you imagine waking up one day ... and everything just seem to give you that sign ... saying "GO FOR IT!!! NOW IS THE TIME!!!" it seems that all of the most powerful forces in the universe conspired to send that message to you ...

it feels so damn good! its as if the cosmic law granted you it's blessing to finally be happy.
one day you woke up ready to take what you want, ready to take any oppurtunity to get there.

you'll be amazed ... you'll probably ask your self "how the hell could i be doing this right now?"
you thought you can never have the courage to pursue what you think could make you happy ... but since the ever powerful force had already gave you it's permission to be happy ... you felt you can do whatever you want ... anything that would make you happy.

finally there you are in front of it ... ready to approach
ready to pursue your so-called "happiness"

then that ever powerful force suddenly decided to play a prank on you ... it'll take away everything it has given you ... even it's permission for you to be happy ...
later you'll realize ... you've been kicked in the ass.

------------

you were once used to letting pretty much everything pass you by ...
you thought ... it's better that way
after all .... you can't loose what you never had.

... you'lll tell yourself everything to make it better ...
but who are you trying to convince???

you know it, you feel it ... you've lost something


and they call it CHANCE.


HOY! WALA LANG WALA LANG WALA LANG WALA LANG ...

don't you get it?