clutter is me.

I honestly don’t know where to start …

Remember when I said I am passive … well, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of passing on everything, and get bugged by the what-ifs that come along with it.

I’m tired of playing what-could’ve-happened-if-I-did-this in my head.

For once I’d like to speak my mind. I want to let it out … so maybe, just maybe … the weight of it will be lifted upon my shoulders. Maybe … I won’t get tired of being me anymore. Maybe I’ll like myself a little better.

I’m a coward … and I hate being that way.


living a life full of clutter is so damn draining. ... but clutter is me. i want to be surounded by things, by people ... they make me happy. some may not be as significant as the other ... but i still like to be with them anyway.
i love everything that makes me happy ... and i want to return the favor as much as i could.

i've never experienced really liking something to the point of taking a risk. when the things i want asked me to step out of my comfort zone ... i'll pass on them, thinking i's better not to take it because not taking it would mean i'll never loose it.

for the first time in my routinary life i wanted something big. i wanted to take over the wheel and go on the road tip of my life.

I DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITER.

i took the first step and look for a good school and i did find one. i didn' have that much support but i still went for it anyway ... and that is my second step ... i thought everything would flow as smooth as silk. i made myself believe that if i wanted it that bad then i'm gonna go get it.

but small things put me down easily ... i was so excited to be who i decided to be, i forgot about that detail.

i didnt really give it that much thought. for me failure is always a minor scratch.
i fail, i cry, i get over it then i'll start all over again.
i always thought it's as simple as that.

the thing is i played my life a little too safe. i never wanted anything this bad. this bad.

my heart is breaking into tiny pieces and the wind is blowing it away ... i dont think i can pick i up. i have lived in the world of mediocracy a little too long. i don't know what it's like in a competitive world like this. ... faced with difficulty, i break down. i cant be like that. not anymore.

because this time ... i really want to fight for this. i dont know how ... but i will. i should, for my own sake. ... i need to keep it together.


i dont know how. i dont freaking know how.