Bedridden

So I was sort of bedridden yesterday. I'd be lying if I say I didn't enjoy it even a little. Well It's good getting a full day off every once in a while. But GOD! the pain. I just couldn't stand it. I've never been in so much pain as I had before. (fucking dysmenorrhea)

Back in high school I was wondering why girls need to be so damn moody every time that time of the month comes. I always thought it was just a lame excuse they use to get a free bitch-around-for-three-days pass. I mean, I'm a girl too (believe it or not) I get that horrible three days as well, sometimes even longer. But I don't bitch around. Hell I still run around and play tag and it with my friends.

They (other high school girls) kept on talking about how it hurts here and there. How they just want to lie in bed all day. Or How they just want to die right at that moment. See, I never really understood dysmenorrhea. To me it was like the Yeti, the loch ness monster, or the Chupacaba. Really scary stuff. Well, at least according to the girls I attended high school with. Scary, yes. With the tales about the pain and all but to me it was never real.

(left-right: Yeti, Loch ness, Chupacaba)

Well, I might have used it as an excuse back then. Given that I don't have any idea about how it feels like, still the kind nurse admits me in the infirmary. Well, what can I say? ... Guess I'm just a natural born ... slacker :D I can make the improbable probable just so I can slack off. (of course that was in high school :P)

So .. Yeah. Enough with the background (feel free to stop reading anytime you want ;) ) I tried getting up to help with the chores and all (but of course i didn't really want to) but my knees were wobbling and every time I stand upright It feels as if I was having a miscarriage. So I really had no choice but to lie down. I watched the whole season of Firefly and Serenity (a.k.a Firefly the movie) right after.

(oh god, I really do blabber too much) So anyway, here's the story.

I woke up inside the engine room of serenity(the transport spaceship firefly class) It's Kaylee's room I wasn't supposed to be there. The engine wasn't moving. That can't happen. Not if we're still in space. But then again maybe we have landed while I was unconscious. After all if we were indeed still in space we should have been running out of air. I breathe fine.

(Serenity's engine room)

I tried to get up but I couldn't. I couldn't feel the lower half of my body. I looked around there was blood everywhere. "Cap'm!! Cap'm!!" someone yelled from outside the room. It was Kaylee's voice. "Reavers are on the bridge. I'm trapped." Holy mother of the alliance! There are reavers in the goddamn ship and I can't move. I don't even have a gun. God knows what will happen if those damn savages get to me.

"If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins into their clothing - and if we're very very lucky, they'll do it in that order." --Zoe

Then suddenly there were gunshots. "Sir there's too many of 'em. Our amos ain't enough Sir!" It was Zoe. Good. I hear her voice clearer than Kaylee's she must be near the engine room. "Zoe!" I called. She didn't respond. It was as if she didn't hear anything. "

Then River came out of nowhere. She looked me straight in the eye then she started to cry. "It's too painful, Simon. Make it go away. make the pain go away." She kept on saying. She lay on the floor beside me took my hand and placed it on her stomach. "Don't go just yet." she said, starring blankly to the ceiling. You see, River, she's weird like that. "You have to meet the Captain first." she said and smiled.

"River, NO!!!" Simon shouted. "What have you done?" Simon rushed to check my vitals. "Doctor, I am okay. Got nothing to worry about." I said. But like Zoe, it was as if he didn't word anything I said. He looked at River helplessly. Tears rolled down his cheeks. "Hey! what the hell is ha .... *some Chinese curse or something" It was Jayne. He's Carrying his favorite gun. He pointed it at River. He really looked angry. "What did you do to her?" he growled. "But she was in pain. the pain won't go away." River murmured. "She's bleeding Simon. She's hurt. The pain won't go away. Make it go away Simon."

"Jayne, put the gun down." The Captain ordered.

"Doc's sister's a whacko Cap'm. Look what she did." Jayne said.

"Mal, please. ... she .."

"That's Captain to you, Doctor."

"Okay ... Captain. She's just a child. She's troubled. She's not even aware of what she did."

"I thought you said you fixed her!"

They went on and on about how the Simon should have watched his sister better. Jayne just wanted to kill her and Captain Mal kept on uttering Chinese curses or something. Then Zoe and Inara came. Cool. I'm not used to seeing Inara like that. She was once a beautiful and elegant lady. Always a sight to see. Even among hundreds of thousands of companions she would stand out. Don't get me wrong, she's still stunning. Guess I'm just used to see her wearing fine dresses not a combat gear. I was used to seeing her lighting incense not throwing flash bombs.

"Where's Kaylee?" Simon asked.

They didn't answer.

"Where is my mechanic! Where's lil Kaylee?" Captain shook Inara.

"I'm sorry Mal, we did everything we could. but she ... "

"Kaylee's at the bridge Captain." Zoe answered.

" *some chinese curse words* poor Kaylee. ... Did you shoot her in the head?" Jayne asked Zoe.

No answer.

"Zoe!" Captain shouted. "did you?!"

"No sir. I tried."

"What? Why? ... You know damn well what would reavers do to her. You should've taken the shot!"

Everybody was shouting at everybody. It was like they have turned into reavers themselves minus the cannibalism at raping part. I've never felt so sad and so scared in my life.

"SSHHhh ... Kaylee's here. she's got the catalyzer" River said.

"Oh shut up you nutjob *more chinsese curse words*" Jayne said.

"No power in the verse could stop me." River murmured. then she ran to the door and Kaylee was there all bloody and wounded.

"You don't think I'd just let my baby girl die now, did ya Cap'm." Kaylee faintly said and smiled.

The other crew helped her get to me. Kaylee looked at me and said "That's my good girl." then the pain was gone.

the end.

I woke up at about 3 in the morning and I couldn't get back to sleep anymore. Too bad. It was such a nice dream. Except Writing it like this right now made me realize ... Damn, was I Serenity's fucking engine in the story? Oh well, the pain did go away.

I don't know if I made much sense. I don't even think the stories are related. If they are ... well, It's kind of weird and creepy and sort of ... gross.

anyway ... here's my dream home at year 2517 :D

In pain :/

I wish I could be someone else right now.

Someone who cannot feel what I'm feeling.

I've never been in so much pain.

God I hate this!

I know this will pass. I know this will pass.

Maybe if could get some sleep.

Maybe when I wake up it'll be gone.

the pain will be gone.

I've never been in such pain before.

Maybe if I could sleep for three days straight. ...

God I sincerely wish I am a boy right now ... even just for three days.

Deal Breaker

So ... that really broke the deal, huh?

It's okay. No worries.

It's just that I thought things are going ... you know ... well.

We started having longer talks. sometimes they're getting a bit more personal and I was actually enjoying it. Enjoying it to the point where I started questioning myself.

Do I really want this? ...

...and ... Yes, ... I realized that it was exactly what I want.

But then, you told me about that girl from last year with the sad stories and all. I thought I should just back the hell off and leave. I thought that was the more decent thing to do. I wasn't looking for anything as serious as what you were apparently looking for. So I thought I should back off and I did.

I thought I was doing the right thing. But disappearing like that felt so wrong. avoiding you like that felt so damn wrong. I mean, I couldn't just ignore your messages forever. plus, I know how it feels to be on your end --to be the one being avoided.

Funny. I told my friend that it's okay. that it's not a big deal. well, ... It is okay and this really isn't that big of deal ... but this sure is something. ... I won't lose sleep over it. but yeah, I must admit I can't get it off my head. I guess that is why I'm writing about it now. I figured, after this it'll be out and it won't bother me anymore.

so ... that really broke the deal, huh?

Now I won't play victim here. Believe me when I say I have no hard feelings.

I knew that could be a deal breaker the moment I decided bend the truth a little. I convinced myself I wasn't lying. because I wasn't ... nah! who am I kidding? ... there was a clear deception. I may not have done it intentionally at first ... but I didn't make it clear either. ... I had all the chance to do it.

I can't be totally honest with people. I don't know why but there's just something comforting in the idea that I get to keep something for myself and myself only. I didn't think it was possible but there are some people who actually got past that protective layer I put to keep them at a certain distance. and now they just see me. they just know me ... know me so well. know me more than I wanted them to. Sometimes it's making me feel uneasy, sometimes it scares me. But then again it gives me this weird sense of relief knowing that I won't have to lie (well, not all the time at least) because they already know my mess anyway.

So when I become totally honest with a person, or at least try to be. that means something. It's not as easy as it seems. not for me anyway. Especially to someone I barely even know, haven't even met.

oh well. I understand. that's the kind of baggage you wouldn't wanna be carrying right now. guess not yet. or maybe not ever. but it's okay that baggage was for me to carry and I don't intend on sharing it with anyone anyway.

so ...

I guess that's it. It was fun while it lasted.

have a good life

Dear Universe,

I'm sorry about last time. I was angry, I know you understand. I know what a hard headed brat I've been. I'm not proud of that. I guess I was just upset and deeply ... idk, hurt or something. I never understood why you seem to enjoy messing me up. Aren't I messed up enough as it is? I know I always say how much I hate you for bitch-slapping me every chance you get. But you must know, looking back, I wouldn't have it any other way. I know I am not without fault. But you must understand that when my emotions are running high I tend to forget what rationality is. I'm sorry I wasn't thinking. not clearly, anyway.

Those were the most awful weeks of my life. All of a sudden I was left on my own. I haven't got a single clue on what was I supposed to do. I was a total mess. And just when I felt I needed my friends the most, you conveniently made them unavailable for me. I was so close to breaking down. I didn't feel my family's support. My best friend was too busy to give me even just a minute of her time. My other best friends ... well, they have their own thing going on. I was so frustrated. No matter how hard I try there was always something wrong in everything I do. I couldn't help but think ... God! Am I really this dumb?

I used to always have somebody to turn to. If one friend is not available someone will surely be. I guess that's the upside of having a lot of them. But those weeks ... they were just ... gone. I understand why. I don't take any of it against them. I just hated your fucking timing. Problems come and go. Some I handle effortlessly and some ... well, you know how it is. I despised you for taking them away all at the same time. I needed them. I fucfking needed them. ... or so I thought.

What I failed to realize at that time was I needed to be left alone. What I failed to realize was that I wanted them to be there. I didn't actually need them. I failed to realize that I needed myself more than I anyone at that time. Now I understand. well, sort of.

I was so miserable because I experienced the one thing I was so afraid of. That was my problem. I didn't see it until now. The problem is I was left alone. But that's over now. I'll be lying if I say I'm totally fine. I'm not .. at least not yet. But I will be ... probably soon.

I have only a year left before graduation. Soon we'll take different paths. I must take mine alone. They won't always be there for me. I won't be for them either. I must get used to that. I guess what happened was some sort of a practice for me. for that, Mr. (or Mrs ... or Ms.) Universe THANK YOU.

I guess this is truce ... at least for now. I know you'll be bitch-slapping me again when my guards are down. but I also know that when you do that ... You'll have a damn good reason for it. you know how easily I get confused so if you could, please stop sending me scrambled signs. The ones that you sent me last time, They really messed me up. BIG TIME. So I guess just to be safe. I won't be taking any of it into consideration. Keep them in your pocket sir, I won't be needing them anymore. and just so you know, I already disregarded the one you sent a couple of weeks ago.

I know I can't be even half as good a writer as you are. So, I guess it's okay to let you write the story of my life just as long as I have the final say :D ... see you in our next fight ... but for now I must say that at least for today I love you :D

ps:

please don't ruin Tuesday for us. I'll count on that :D

Sincerely yours,

your brat frenemy ... Camille

:D

FUCK YOU UNIVERSE

hindi naman ako pinanganak na may built in na shock absorber.

hindi ko kayang saluhin lahat ng ka badtripan nyo.

pare-pareho lang naman tayong galing opisina e.

alam kong mareklamo ako. masaya para sakin ang mkapag reklamo ...

pero GOD! i've never really .. as in "really" meant those rants until now.

ewan ko ... siguro kasi alam ko naman na lilipas rin lahat ... malamang rin kse habang iniisip ko pa lang na lilipas na rin ung sama ko ng loob soon, ... e lumilipas na nga sya habang iniisip ko pa lang.

shit wala na 'kong sense.

pero ewan ko ... tang ina talaga ... gusto ko lang bigyan ng malaking malaki at sobrang lutong na FUCK YOU! ang universe. ano bang ginawa ko sayo? ... pinipilit ko pa nga maging environmentalist dba?

tang ina ... what the fuck is fucking wrong with you?!?

kaya ko pa ring makinig.

kaya ko yung lungkot, depression, pressure ... kahit ano pa yang dinaramdam nyo.

and God knows gagawin ko lahat ng kaya ko ... kung meron man, to make you feel better.

pero parang awa nyo na ... wag nyo naman akong tapunan ng ka badtripan nyo ... please.

fuck! wag ngayon.

kung pwede lang akong magsumiksik sa sinapupunan ng nanay ko gagawin ko.

tang ina lang talaga.

lilipas rin naman to e ... alam ko lilipas din to. ...

tang ina ... gusto kong matulog for 10 years.

gsto ko sumalubong sa rumaragasang bus at magdasal na sana ma coma lang ako at ndi mamatay ... tang ina. ...

naiinis lang talaga 'ko

MRT

ang nakakabwisist sa mrt, parang hell palagi. ang init, ang daming nag tutulakan, walang pakialam yung mga tao sa ibang tao. basta iisa lang ang gusto nilang lahat --ang makarating sa kanya kanyang destinasyon.

Nung high school pa lang ako pangarap kong makapasok sa school na may malapit na train station. basta, pangarap kong maging mode of transportation sa buong college life ko ang train.
Kaso wala e. sadyang hindi talaga para sken ang mag train. unang sem ko sa college, bus ang sinasakyan ko ... hanggang sa nakatuwaan ko na rin. Still, pinapangarap ko pa rin mag train. Ewan ko ... feeling ko lang nakakatuwa.

Nung lilipat sana ako sa PNU akala ko katuparan na ng mababaw kong pangarap. makikitira sana ako sa bahay ng pinsan ko at mula dun, mag tr train na ako papasok at pauwi.
Kaso hindi talaga para sakin e. Pag lipat ko sa Manila Times balik bus nanaman ako. Tapos nakita kung gano isinusumpa ng mga kaibigan kong nag tr train ang pagsakay sa train. na kung may choice lang iibahin nila ung mode of transportation nila. kaso wala e. walang tatalo sa bilis ng train. ... unless may jet sila. ... pero ... minsan kse super FAIL ang train. ... sa bagay ang bus din naman ... lalo na kung nasiraan sa gutna ng highway or nabangga.

habang sila nahihirapan ako wala lang, hahabol habol lang sa mga bus na dumadaan sa lawton ... pagtapos nun, pwede na kong matulog at mag relax sa buong byahe.
After nun hindi ko na kinaiinggitan yung mga nag tr train. Naging Masaya na rin naman ako sa pag sakay sa bus. hindi man kasing bilis, at least hindi naman ako nahihirapan.
pero kahit na, ... may something pa rin na nangsasabi sken na gsto ko mag train. until that one horrible day. .... ilang train na ang pinalagpas nmen ni mads dahil puno na lahat ... nung finally may medyo okay ... turns out ndi pa rin pla ... pagbaba nmen ng train, naging masaya na lang kme pareho na buhay pa kme.

Ngayon eto ako. Kinakailangan mag train araw araw. tsk. Ngayon pa.
Sabi dun sa quote na napulot nmen nila Madel nung nag PNR trip kme: The best way to catch a train is by missing the first one. ... well, oo. ... nung mga panahon na nag tr train lang kme nila nikki at mads for fun, naniniwala ako sa kasabihan na yun.

hindi naman kasi kami nagmamadali e. kahit ilang train pa yung palipasin namin para makasakay sa kumportableng train okay lng.

Pero iba na ngayon e. kailangan kong mamili between comfort and time. parehong mahalaga yun para sakin e. Nasa punto ako ngayon ng buhay ko wherein I can't afford to miss the first train. hindi naman kasi ganun kabilis dumating yung susunod e. every minute counts. Kaya hahabulin ko yun kahit magkanda tisod tisod pa 'ko. ... pero minsan talaga wala ka nang magagawa dahil napagsarahan ka na ng pinto.

kailangan mo nang sumakay sa susunod. It's not like makakasabit ka sa umaandar nang train.
eto na nga yun ngayon ... sa susunod akong train sumakay habang nag co conceptualize ng blog post sa utak ko. ewan ko ba, ... bakit parang gsto kong bumaba sa susunod na station kahit ndi pa pwede. maaga naman ako umalis sa bahay ngayon e. hindi naman ako gaanong ma le late. Sana naghintay na lang ako sa susunod pa ulit na train. hindi ko alam, bakit nga ba ako nag mrt habang may hang over ako? ... gumising ako ng maaga for a reason --BALAK KO MAG BUS.
Hindi ko alam ... basta gusto ko lang makaalis sa station na yon. ... kaya sumakay na ako kahit may oras pa.
Simula bukas mag bu bus na lang talaga ako.

part of the process

I don't have anything against girls who make the first move. but I am not comfortable with the idea of doing it.

The last thing I need right now is to creep another guy out. I don't think my ego can handle another rejection of that kind. Not now.

I've never been involved in a romantic relationship. It's not that big of a deal for me. ... or should I say it wasn't. I'm not saying that it is now. It's just that I used to not care at all and now I kinda do.

Armando Lopez. ... The guy whom I thought was my first love. He was the perfectly imperfect man of my dreams. He always knew what to say and when to say it. When he does, whatever it is that's bothering me will magically disappear. I really did like him. I remember how my heart throbbed when I got home one night and my mother said he stopped by and looked for me. How I felt like winning the lottery when I read his note the day after he left it. I remember how I pathetically tried to dress up for him despite knowing that he wouldn't notice or that he wouldn't care. I remember how I panic when he says he's coming over. I remember spending my allowance just to make sure my stew would be the second best he'd ever taste (of course his mom's will always be the best).

I think I could have fallen for him. I think I almost did. If not for one thing, I was aware that it's not him I was falling for. It was the idea of him and it was a damn good idea.

I remember how a lousy hello from him used to make my day, week even. The set up was perfect. I like him and he makes me happy. I didn't need for him to reciprocate that feeling. (though I must admit I would have loved that)

I don't know what made me want it. But whatever it is I'm thankful. Yes my heart was kind of ... well, broken. but if that didn't happen I'd probably still be stuck until now.

Sometimes I still wonder what I did to creep him out like that. I know I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but come on! he's no Brad Pitt either. I never thought of him as the kind of guy who would dismiss another person just because of that. Somehow I still secretly wish he has a better reason. I need not know what it is. I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. I don't think it would change anything. Still, I wish there is a better reason. I don't know. I'm just ... stupid like that.

A friend told me that maybe I put him on a pedestal. Maybe I made him feel like he's Brad effin' Pitt and I am his crazy obsessive fan. Maybe that's the problem. I keep on putting people on that fucking pedestal. And I should seriously stop!

now here's this new guy. I don't know him. All I know is I can spend 8 hours just talking to him. All I know is I like how it seems like we never ran out of things to talk about. I like how I don't like him yet and I acknowledge the fact that I am interested. I usually don't. All I know is that I was so sure I would never, not even in my wildest dreams, ask a guy out and I kind of asked him.

It's been over a year since that bitter rejection. I know I'm over him but not totally over it. I'm pretty sure I can run into him anytime and not feel anything. But whenever I remember how I was dismissed, I must admit that it still somehow affects me.

Maybe now I can be less creepy. (though writing about it like this is ... well, kind of creepy)

I don't know where this goes. I don't have even the slightest idea on how it will get there (wherever it is) All I know is I'm willing to place my bet, close my eyes and hope in the end I get to win something. I'm not even asking for the jackpot prize.

If this goes well. then good for me. if not, then I'll charge it all on experience.

Maybe it's about time for me to stop daydreaming about people who only exist in my imagination. Maybe It's about time to go out there and meet new people.

It's not everyday I get to meet people whom I share a lot of common interests with. It's not everyday I get to meet people whom I can talk to for hours and hours and not get tired.

I am enjoying this I really am ... But I'm not so sure if this is making me happy. ... Am I just bored? or do I really have a shot at this?

I don't know ... I guess the only way to find out is to go out there and try.

The quick brown fox jumped over the spilled milk

sabi nila dont cry over spilled milk daw. ... ewan ko .. pero ako naiintindihan ko kung bakit para sa ibang tao nakakaiyak ngang matapunan ng gatas ... ee masarap yun e ...

e pero ikaw? Bakit ka nga naman iiyak kung lactose intolerant ka naman?
fine, Masarap nga yung gatas. ... sayang kung matatapon ... pero kung iisipin mo ... matapon man un o hindi ... wala naman dpat maging kinalaman sayo yun ... kasi either way ... HINDI PA RIN PWEDE SAYO ANG GATAS

so ... bakit ka malulungkot? wala naman tlgang nawala ... nanghihinayang ka ba sa pinambili mo?
ee bakit ka naman kasi bibili ng gatas kung hindi mo naman maiinom?

isipin mo na lang ... kung naisipan mo pang sulitin yung pera mo at ininom mo pa rin yung gatas anyway... e' mas lalo lang hindi magiging sulit dahil mas lalo ka lang mahihirapan. magkaka rebolusyon lang jan sa tyan mo.

alam mo yun? ... kaya cheer up!

ang dapat mong gawin ... pumunta ka sa pinakamalapit na convenience store para convenient tpos bumili ka ing isang jumbo juice ... o kaya naman ng GULP big uhaw kung ung malapit na convenience store na napuntahan mo e 711 .... pero kung gsto mo naman mag lakad lakad muna ... edi kahit sa malayong convenience store na lang.

oo masustansya ang gatas ... madalas kailangan tlga un para sa katawan ng tao ... sadly, hindi un nag aapply sayo. ... e ganun e ... ganyan ung composition ng sistema mo e ... wala ka nang magagawa. kung gusto mo mag milo ka na lang. :D

oo minsan nakaka inis lang kse tuwing bubuksan mo yung ref nyo meron palaging fresh milk na nag he hello sayo ... tpos nakaharap pa palagi sayo yung nutritional fatcs nya ... na para bang sinasabing ... dali na! inumin mo na ko ... you know i'm good for you! ...

e kaso hindi ... it is good! that's a fact ... pero para sayo hindi e ... kaya wag na ... kahit pang lagay lang sa champorado mo wag na ... na try mo na bang mag lagay ng milo sa champorado? ... masarap rin naman ... mas chocolatey ... ma e enjoy mo rin yun.

kung hindi para sayo ang gatas pero gusto mo tlga ... kahit soy milk na lang :D