Deal Breaker

So ... that really broke the deal, huh?

It's okay. No worries.

It's just that I thought things are going ... you know ... well.

We started having longer talks. sometimes they're getting a bit more personal and I was actually enjoying it. Enjoying it to the point where I started questioning myself.

Do I really want this? ...

...and ... Yes, ... I realized that it was exactly what I want.

But then, you told me about that girl from last year with the sad stories and all. I thought I should just back the hell off and leave. I thought that was the more decent thing to do. I wasn't looking for anything as serious as what you were apparently looking for. So I thought I should back off and I did.

I thought I was doing the right thing. But disappearing like that felt so wrong. avoiding you like that felt so damn wrong. I mean, I couldn't just ignore your messages forever. plus, I know how it feels to be on your end --to be the one being avoided.

Funny. I told my friend that it's okay. that it's not a big deal. well, ... It is okay and this really isn't that big of deal ... but this sure is something. ... I won't lose sleep over it. but yeah, I must admit I can't get it off my head. I guess that is why I'm writing about it now. I figured, after this it'll be out and it won't bother me anymore.

so ... that really broke the deal, huh?

Now I won't play victim here. Believe me when I say I have no hard feelings.

I knew that could be a deal breaker the moment I decided bend the truth a little. I convinced myself I wasn't lying. because I wasn't ... nah! who am I kidding? ... there was a clear deception. I may not have done it intentionally at first ... but I didn't make it clear either. ... I had all the chance to do it.

I can't be totally honest with people. I don't know why but there's just something comforting in the idea that I get to keep something for myself and myself only. I didn't think it was possible but there are some people who actually got past that protective layer I put to keep them at a certain distance. and now they just see me. they just know me ... know me so well. know me more than I wanted them to. Sometimes it's making me feel uneasy, sometimes it scares me. But then again it gives me this weird sense of relief knowing that I won't have to lie (well, not all the time at least) because they already know my mess anyway.

So when I become totally honest with a person, or at least try to be. that means something. It's not as easy as it seems. not for me anyway. Especially to someone I barely even know, haven't even met.

oh well. I understand. that's the kind of baggage you wouldn't wanna be carrying right now. guess not yet. or maybe not ever. but it's okay that baggage was for me to carry and I don't intend on sharing it with anyone anyway.

so ...

I guess that's it. It was fun while it lasted.

have a good life