part of the process

I don't have anything against girls who make the first move. but I am not comfortable with the idea of doing it.

The last thing I need right now is to creep another guy out. I don't think my ego can handle another rejection of that kind. Not now.

I've never been involved in a romantic relationship. It's not that big of a deal for me. ... or should I say it wasn't. I'm not saying that it is now. It's just that I used to not care at all and now I kinda do.

Armando Lopez. ... The guy whom I thought was my first love. He was the perfectly imperfect man of my dreams. He always knew what to say and when to say it. When he does, whatever it is that's bothering me will magically disappear. I really did like him. I remember how my heart throbbed when I got home one night and my mother said he stopped by and looked for me. How I felt like winning the lottery when I read his note the day after he left it. I remember how I pathetically tried to dress up for him despite knowing that he wouldn't notice or that he wouldn't care. I remember how I panic when he says he's coming over. I remember spending my allowance just to make sure my stew would be the second best he'd ever taste (of course his mom's will always be the best).

I think I could have fallen for him. I think I almost did. If not for one thing, I was aware that it's not him I was falling for. It was the idea of him and it was a damn good idea.

I remember how a lousy hello from him used to make my day, week even. The set up was perfect. I like him and he makes me happy. I didn't need for him to reciprocate that feeling. (though I must admit I would have loved that)

I don't know what made me want it. But whatever it is I'm thankful. Yes my heart was kind of ... well, broken. but if that didn't happen I'd probably still be stuck until now.

Sometimes I still wonder what I did to creep him out like that. I know I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but come on! he's no Brad Pitt either. I never thought of him as the kind of guy who would dismiss another person just because of that. Somehow I still secretly wish he has a better reason. I need not know what it is. I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. I don't think it would change anything. Still, I wish there is a better reason. I don't know. I'm just ... stupid like that.

A friend told me that maybe I put him on a pedestal. Maybe I made him feel like he's Brad effin' Pitt and I am his crazy obsessive fan. Maybe that's the problem. I keep on putting people on that fucking pedestal. And I should seriously stop!

now here's this new guy. I don't know him. All I know is I can spend 8 hours just talking to him. All I know is I like how it seems like we never ran out of things to talk about. I like how I don't like him yet and I acknowledge the fact that I am interested. I usually don't. All I know is that I was so sure I would never, not even in my wildest dreams, ask a guy out and I kind of asked him.

It's been over a year since that bitter rejection. I know I'm over him but not totally over it. I'm pretty sure I can run into him anytime and not feel anything. But whenever I remember how I was dismissed, I must admit that it still somehow affects me.

Maybe now I can be less creepy. (though writing about it like this is ... well, kind of creepy)

I don't know where this goes. I don't have even the slightest idea on how it will get there (wherever it is) All I know is I'm willing to place my bet, close my eyes and hope in the end I get to win something. I'm not even asking for the jackpot prize.

If this goes well. then good for me. if not, then I'll charge it all on experience.

Maybe it's about time for me to stop daydreaming about people who only exist in my imagination. Maybe It's about time to go out there and meet new people.

It's not everyday I get to meet people whom I share a lot of common interests with. It's not everyday I get to meet people whom I can talk to for hours and hours and not get tired.

I am enjoying this I really am ... But I'm not so sure if this is making me happy. ... Am I just bored? or do I really have a shot at this?

I don't know ... I guess the only way to find out is to go out there and try.