WHY do you have to be annoying on a freaking CHRISTMAS DAY???

just like my so-called cosmic law during birthdays ...
i also believe that everyone should be happy on christmas day.

naive???

maybe ... but who cares??? i want to be happy every christmas ... don't you?

i've always believed in SANTA CLAUS ...

and it's not just about his gifts ... well, i do want to recieve gifts but ...

what i really want from santa is a warm and big hug!!!

...

but this year ... sanat broke my heart TT__TT

so ... minus 1 point from my happy christmas

......

i am used to having simple celebration during christmas ...

with all my family member present ... plus my weird cousins ...

and

a nice ham sandwich with tons of mayo and a cup of hot aromatic chocolate would make my day.

but this year ...

my mom and dad aren't there for the chrismas countdown

you know that 5,4,3,2 .. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

we don't have the hot chocolate

i wasn't able to make my ham sandwhich

and oh ... i missed the countdown too!!!

so my christmas suck this year ...

....

i woke up past 1 in the morning

a very familiar and annoying voice woke me up ...

what the fuck? ... how could she be here???

infatuated part II (time warp)

15 days after that of exchange of smiles, i had the chance to see him again.
thinking that everything's fine now, i expected a little something

...i acted as normal as possible. i tried to hide that overflowing excitement. (landi tlga!)

he's coming my way ... what should i do??? breathe in .... breathe out .....okay ... he's 10 feet away from me, 9 ft, 8, .... 4, 3

....oh GOD he's in front of me ... oh GOD, oh GOD ... what should i say??? ... i'm thinking too much again

oh GOD he's talking to me now.

"hey how are you?" he said.

i immediately turned into an ice.

"hey! lopez ... have you seen your report card already?" he asked.

still ice. i don' know maybe he thought i didn't want to talk to him because i'm not responding. oh if he only knew ...

"... see you next school year then." he said then smiled.

i melted ... and as he was about to walk away i finally had the guts to talk ...

"yeah, i'm looking forward to it" i said at his back.

"me too."

then he melted me more with his magical smile again....



nah! never happened!!!



he was walking towards my way. i was ready to greet him. my hand is raising by itself ready for a little wave. ....but damn it! he just passed me by. ...

damn! what about the smile, the pat on my back ... what are those for????

he ignored me.



May 16, 2005 exactly 3 months after his freaking smile melted me.

i enrolled in another school, in another town, another region.now i'll be thousand miles away from my friends, my family and him. so i transferred to another school but that's a totally different story.



june 16 2005 it was a very ordinary and boring day at my new school, everyone was so mean to me and i have a bad headache. ... so i decided not to attend the rest of my class.

i went home and dive into my bed.



i woke up in the infirmary bed of my old school. i couldn't believe my eyes ...

how could i be here??? i transferred school already.

i got up, ate nurse saw me.

"you're awake " she said, offering me a glass of water.

god i'm bewitched. i thought to myself.

" ... hurry your lunch break is almost over"

holy macaroni is this really happening??? she's actually talking to me ....

"don't forget your medicine ok!!!" she said as she usually do whenever i'm there ... i was kind of a regular infirmary patient.

"um ... ok" i said, still clueless about what's happening. i went out straight to our favorite spot. there they (my friends) are eating.



"hey! how come you guys didn't wait for me???" i yelled at them.

"you were sleeping like a baby! what the hell do want us to do ... starve here til you wake up!" LA said.

i'm still confused

" we brought your food here anyway" this time it's criselle.

"thanks" i hesitantly accepted.

everything seems so normal

"hey guys ... you know that i'm not supposed to be here right?" i asked.

"yah stay in the infirmary. ... where you belong!"

"no ... i mean, i transferred school already"

"still frustrated about transferring huh? ... face it! your stuck with us." joanna said laughing.

they laughed ... i laughed with them though i'm still a little confused. oh my GOD am i being tricked by something unseen ... have i unknowingly stepped on a "punso"? .... i am not feeling well, i don't know what's happening ... it cant get any worse now, can it?



.... well, that's what i thought .....the bell rang! my friends went back to their respective classrooms ... ans i was going to .. but ... where?

now where am i supposed to go? i thought to myself ....

people flooded the hallway and i'm stuck in the middle of it. i dropped my lunch box (if you can call it that) i have to pick it up of course ... then someone bumped into me and i fell on the floor.

"hey what the hell are you still doing here? ... aren't you supposed to be in class?" i heard a familiar voice say.

"umm, yeah i know but .... the thing is ...... i dont know where my classroom is" i said, dusting myself off.

"still high from the infirmary meds huh?"

"the what?" i asked

i dont even know who am i talking to. i'm still on the floor. and i still don't have any idea where my freaking room is!!! .... then he reached out for my hand and helped me get up.

"umm, thanks" i awkwardly said.

then finally got the chance to look at his face to see who he is ... and ..... oh my LORD!!! it's him! he's holding my hands, he's smiling at me .... and ... oh my GOD i am melting again.

"hey do you know where my room is?" i asked, feeling a burning sensation on my cheeks.

"you're kidding right?" he said. his eyebrows are meeting in the middle, and that's not a good sign.

i just gave him a blank stare

"it's ether that ... or ... you're trying to be cute." he said bluntly.

blank stare.

"come on we're late!" he yelled.

he looked a bit pissed now, but what can i do??? i really don't know where my room is.

"umm, it's ok i'll just go back to the infirmary." i said, with fear evident in my voice.

he looked at me as if he's examining my face or something

"you're serious ... you really are." finally, his pissed-off face melted. and that made me relax a bit.

"ummm .... yeah"

he grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me through the hallway and we went up to the second floor .... he kept on dragging me then we stopped in front of the room that says

welcome junior B

"hey both of you .. you're late ... stay outside til i say so" an angry and slightly scary voice say.

oh good heavens! it's our filipino teacher ... now we have to stay outside until her subject is over ... we sat along the hallway and talked, joked around and laughed ... it was ... how should i say this? .... ummm, perfect.

*sigh* ... it was perfect ... until ....

oh GOD i think i have to throw up ... breathe in breathe out ... no, no i can control this .... TOO LATE! .... (*% *$*&*^ *%$ 0^^$^# #&^%$^%$)


"ma'am she's throwing up!!! .... are you okay?" he said, panicking.

"yah i'm fi.... #%^@Q% @$%&@$&" i was supposed to say i'm ok ... but my darn puke just had to come out.

"i'll take you back to the infirmary"

"no need ... i'm fine."

"hey! you ARE SICK ... why did you even bother to go to school anyway?"

i felt like the ground was shaking ... oh GOD ... why do i have to be sick? ... he took me to the infirmary but the nurse wasn't there ... so he decided to stay there with me.

"hey, you should take your medicine and get some sleep... "

"but ... i just woke up .... and ... i'm all alone here ... it's kinda scary."

"fine. i'll stay here till you fall asleep"

i took my medicine. he gave me water. he sat on the other bed and just watched me.

"... are you sure you want to stay here ... i mean, it's time for our next subject right?"

"i don't care .... it's just out our study period anyway"

the next 15 minutes was pure silence ... it's deafening ... i have all this this things that i wanted to say, that i wanted to ask .... that i wanted to clarify ... but i just couldn't say anything ... finally, he broke the silence ......

"hey... can i ask you something?"

"sure ... what is it?"

"why did we fight?"

i dont know, but i was hoping you're friend, if you can call him that, wasn't just playing me when he said that it's because you liked me. ... yeah i wish i could say that out lout. but i couldn't.

"i ... ummm, i don't know ... maybe because you never said it"

"say what?"

you know ... that all of those horrible things you did was to get back at me for pairing you up and my friend ... when you clearly wanted me. ... yeah ... in my dreams.

"you know ... that you're sorry for about my books, my stuff..... it's my turn to ask now"

"yeah ... what is it?"

is it because you liked me? ... now seriously i gotta be careful before i say anything out loud.

"why were you mean to me?"

"you don't know?"

what are you, stupid? ... of course I ... well i think i do ... i just want to hear it from you. so please ... let me hear it.

"of course i don't. will i ask if i do?"

" .... I'M SORRY ... there's your sorry .... now get some sleep"

NNOOO. ... that's the wrong answer

he gave me another pillow then he tapped my head .... he put a glass of water beside my bed then he took off ... i was thinking ... what the hell happened to i'll-stay-here-till-you-fall-asleep???"

the next thing i remember is waking up in my bed ... a month after i dropped out from my new school and went back to manila ... i enrolled to a new school and guess what my section is ... what a surprise .... i am a junior B ... and so was he .... but we're in different schools now.

i love you ..... but i'm not IN LOVE with you.

I have never really experienced romantic love before ...
i don't know ... i was just never contaminated by that high-school-love-is-in-the-air syndrome ...
umm, maybe because nobody really "liked" me that way.
or if there was ...








....



no, there was none.




everytime my aunts and uncles ask my mom if we(my sister and i) already have a boyfriend
my mom would instantly answer

"no, i dont think so ... my girls wants to finish college first."


the fact that we are focusing on our studies makes my mom really proud (focusing???)
and so was i. my plan is to finish college without anything that would make it complicated.





...


then you came ...





sure i have had crushes before (who doesn't?)
crush .... just crush and that's it.




you are the first person to ever make me think of ... .... .... uhmm, love.
and it scared the hell out of me.
could it be? ... are you really my ............ first love????
NO WAY!





i cant tolerate this kind of feeling. not now ... probably not ever!
i wish this came when i was was in high school ... maybe then....
but now, i am so busy ... or atleast i think i am.






plus , the fact that it is you ... it just makes it ...
uhmmm, how do i say this ...
weird and complicated and probably NOT ACCEPTABLE.



first, scarlett will never tolerate this
my brother ... ummm, he would never say anything but i know he wouldn't like it either.
and MY PARNETS ... oh GOD, i can't afford to hurt them.
falling in love with you would hurt my mom ...
she might say it wont ... but it will ... i know.


and me! ... i cant even imagine being "with you".
do you know how hard this is for me???
i want you but i dont want to be "with you".
but when i'm not with you i miss you.




i wanted to just avoid you and get this over with
but i don't want to loose your friendship.
you are such a good friend and i'm so lucky to have you.
i don't want to throw it all away just because of this stupid feeling.





you're the sudden burst of colour that can't fit in my paradise.





just the thought of something not fitting in there
makes me feel that everything is wrong.





"if you can't fix it, stand it"
.....
"if you can't stand it, FIX IT!!!"




... i can't stand it.
so i really need to fix it.
i'll do whatever it takes to fix this stupid blood-pumping machine.





i cant stand feeling weird around you.
i cant stand not being able to sleep for weeks.
i cant stand not being able to sleep even in the bus!
i cant stand the thought of me considering this feelings.
i cant stand my stupid self for allowing malice to come between our friendship.
i cant stand not being the normal me.
i just want the normal me.





......





i've seeked help from a few trusted people.
some helped me feel a little better. while some ......
umm, messed up my mind more.


i thought maybe this is just a psychological problem.
i'll be stucked in the cuckoo's nest forever!






......





answers answers answers ...
now where should i get them???
are they for sale????
how much?



i've been driving myself crazy for a while now.
looking for a cure to this sickness.





i've searched everywhere.

...

it took me this long to realize that you are the cure too!
all i did was to really look at you ....
then i asked myself .... is this love?
if it is ... then why wouldn't i fight for it?


but then again .... maybe it's not.
maybe i was just confused ...
maybe i was just contaminated ....


....


this made me realize .......

it's true .... i do love you



but i'm not in love with you .....


i love you because you trust me.
i love you because you're there to listen.
i love you because you appreciate me.
i love you because you're one of a kind.
just hanging out with you is one hell of an adventure.

... but most of all ...

i love you because you are my FRIEND

you are my friend .... that's it.

no weird heartbeats

no palm sweating

no butterflies in my stomach

no magical feelings ....

so can i call this ramntic love???

no.

not in my standards ....

for me, romantic love is something that

would make me break all my rules

turn my world upside down

would make me forget about everything else for 10 minutes.

and i don't want that

... im glad i didn't let go of our friendship when i thought i had to.

ps:

the fireworks was great ...wasn't it?

(if you know who am i talking to ... pls. keep our little secret ... i love secrets ..... it makes life a little more exciting ... so allow me to have one)

SANTA IGNORED ME!!!!

*an evil cramped leg woke me up at 3am this morning!!!
*ndi aq nkapag breakfast
*nadulas aq pag labas ko ng gate
*pag sakay ko ng jeep nadulas ulit aq at muntik ko pang maupuan ung isang kuya
*nag pahabol pa ung P***ngI**ang bus! ... at pagsakay ko binilisan nya kaya dumere-derecho aq
sa likod
*ang epal nung katabi ko sa bus
*pag sakay q ng jeep papunta sa school nadulas ulit aq
*pag baba q ng jeep nadulas nanaman aq!!!
*late si sir tiambeng
*nag extend ang NSTP nmen
*i almost died of starvation ... IN FRONT OF THE FOOD!!!!!
*after qng kumain i had an upset stomach
*sinuka ko rin lahat ng kinain q
*dumaan kme sa SM ... badtrip HINDI AKO PINANSIN NI SANtA!!!!!
*sobrang hirap sumakay ... badtrip tlga
*at itong mga putang amang mga player ng survivor na to ... pucha! ang absurd!!!
(no offense sa mga pinoy survivor fans) shit tlga!!!!

ay nku po mga ate at kuya ... reality show po yang sinalihan nyo!!!! .... e ano naman kung mahirap ka ... that doesn't mean na ikaw na agad ung dapat manalo dba!!! ... e ano nmn kung bading ung isa or what ... does i affect your strategy on the game!!!

hay nku! tpos may txt voting hanggang sa survivor!!!
holy macaroni!!!! fuck nmn! hanggang ba sa survivor gagawin nilang popularity show yan!!!

at puking inang love team yan!!! pag nakita q yan sa tv jusko po!!! ewan q na lang ... lahat ba ng reality show sa pinas gagawing star search?????


hay nku santa kasalanan mo to!!!!
hindi mo kse aq pinansin e ...
di mo ba alam na childhood dream ko na makita ka????
< /3 you broke my heart santa!!!

infatuated part I (the day i got addicted)

4 yrs ago i got addicted to this guy. he's smart, he's a nice person, he's intelligent, uhm he kinda look like a character in a asian drama, he's funny, he was so good at math, we like the same tv programs .... and oh, .... did i mention that he's SMART?

and me ....
i was a lazy and stupid sophomore student back then. i used to think that high school is just a synonym word of "fun".


first love????


nah! definitely not! it wasn't love. i know.





at first i thought i only liked him because he was my seatmate. i had this sickness back then and i call it the "seatmate syndrome" its funny how i used to have a crush on almost take note of the word "ALMOST" all of my seatmates back in elementary and high school.


(landi)





aside from being my seatmate he was also my cheat mate, chat mate and cursing buddy
since we hate "almost" the same people in the room.
we used to talk a lot, laugh a lot and tease each other a lot.
but at that time i wasn't aware that i'm beginning to like him.

and when i finally noticed it ... i teased him more ... and paired him up with one of my friends
which i think is the main reason why he hated me.
i did that because i didn't want anyone to find out that i have a crush on him.
(pretty childish huh! what do you expect ... i was a kid back then)




we weren't friends "friends" i mean inside that basement, we call "classroom", yeah we do things that friends do. but when that bell rings and we're outside that pretty little cage, we automatically become just classmates. just a few nods, high fives, and quick stares ... that's all no talks ... as in zero.





then came this one unfogettable field trip.
i dont know but for some reason he was really really pissed at me. he called me names.
and it ruined my damned last fieldtrip in that freaking school.
the next day. w/c is by the way decemer 10 2004 and exactly 4 yrs ago ( technically, its 4 yrs and almost 1 day, since it's already 12:34 am) my cursed addiction started.



the moment i closed the door to that potential friendship. i wasn't aware that i opened another door for him in my life. being totally unaware of my stupidity, i gave a large piece of my hollowed brain. he was like a virus inside my system slowly corrupting every file inside my low tech brain until all i can think about is him.





days had passed without any conversation. we just sat there ignoring each other. all i wanted was a simple sorry and everything would've been fine. but he didn't say anything at all.
we carried on our petty little cold war.



i missed him. i knew that i'm starting to miss him but being the girls-don't-need-boys kind of kid, i denied it to myself, and for a while i believed that stupid lie of mine.
until my systems went out of control. i really miss him so bad.



after a few weeks of silent war, he was fed up by our "kid's fight". he finally made his move.
he started tearing up my paper bags w/c by the way contained 8 heavy books.
i ignored it though i was really pissed. i tied my books up carried my them back home.
(ugh! that was torture!!!)



he and his freaking friends was not at all satisfied by that. they started to draw perverted stuffs on my books, drew on my handbook picture, and in my class picture too.


i was so damn pissed i almost cried. my friends saw it and it made them boiling mad. they told me to report him. but knowing his class standing, i couldn't do it. he was such a bright student i cant stand to see that brilliant golden brain being put to waste just beacuase of a stupid kid's fight.




then one of his "fienemies" told me
"do you know why he keeps on doing that to you?"
"beacuse he hates me, that's why"
"no, it's because he likes you"

then he gave me that devilish and sarcastic laugh.



then there came my oppurtunity to make peace with him.
our recollection. after few activities, i saw him in the corner, it's as if he's hiding.
OH MY GOD!!!! was he crying???
those tears melted me in an instant. it just melted everything i have inside against him.
and so .... i decided not to report him.


TOO LATE!
my friend already showed my damaged stuffs to my adviser.
i may be stupid or just temporarily insane, but i really felt bad.
i planned on talking to him but ...
how could i??? knowing that i will take away his rightful place on that bulletin board.

OUTSTANDING STUDENTS ... i know he really wants his name there.

then our christmas party ....

it was almost ruined because my mom saw my damaged books, they were so expensive by the way. i was only able to afford it because of the school loan. my mom was furiuos. she wants to go to our christmas party and confront him.


i was like NO WAY!!!! mom! please let christmas pass ... please
i know he didn't mean it anyway (urgh! i was so stupid! i how could he not mean it ... what? he accidentally drew those perverted stuffs on my books???)


after the holiday break our adviser talked to him ... if front of the whole class ...
well minus me ofcourse.
she was mad at him and asked him who are the others.
but, he didn't tell her.

then she started talking about how i defended him from my mom blah blah blah.
how i was so concerned about his class standing, that i don't want them to to give him a D on his report card. i swear if i had been there i would've melted to death, evaporate then poof! just disappear. that was the most embarassing thing ever!
as for my little secret .. i thought i should kiss it goodbye.


but hey nobody noticed it. they tease for a while sure ...
"yesss! she was concerned"
but they almost instantly forgot about it.




then came another chance for reconciliation.
i was late (force of habbit) they've already started with the activity.

OH SHOOT!!! i don't have any paper. being my stupid self, i searched inside my bag though i know there's nothing there. i was waiting for a damn miracle!


then he looked at me, i saw him smile in the corner of my eye.
he asked his friend for a paper then he gave it to me, then he smiled.

i was strucked. i felt a weird beat inside my chest. was it the drum and lyre band??? ... yeah i thought so. i didn't even get thank him.
the beat kept on going.



after that we had another seatwork and SHOOT!!! i don't have my book either.
i just sat there in my chair waiting for another miracle.
then he finished, he silently put his book on my desk then said "go ahead, you can borrow it."
then a heart-melting smile.



i took his book and laughed at him.
"are you on drugs??? why are you acting weird? stop being nice, you're giving me goosebumps." i laughed again this time he laughed with me. we shook hands, exchanged sorries then started to talk about people behind their backs again.

snap back to reality!

no, it didn't happen .. i just gave him a blank stare and an awkward smile instead.

i wanted to talk to him again so bad. i missed our old chit chats. ... i missed the way he asks me to sing the theme song of this taiwanese drama (he said it's corny) and he'll just laugh his lungs out when i do.

i just wanted to have that potential friend back. but i did another stupid thing. and now he hated me more than ever. he was really pissed, i can tell. ... and he stopped being nice to me. i wanted to say sorry, i didn't really mean what i said ... umm, well, i did mean it but it wasn't for him.

after that we stopped talking.

well, he still talks to me but just for my damaged stuffs. he ask i answer ... just that!

march 16 2005

my last day in that freaking academy. i spent almost half of the day looking at him. i wanted to talk to him. the is the last day anyway ... i have nothing to loose. i wasted my last chance of talking to him. i just sat there looking at him and that's it.

when the bell rang it was really over. he headed home.

i ran outside, i followed him i needed to say i was sorry and that it was fun having him as my seatmate. he was heading towards the gate. i stopped him.

"hey, can we talk ... ummm please? .. i have something i wanted to say"

"me too" ....

nah! it didn't happen either. i left the room when i felt like going home already. to my surprise he was still there. suddenly he's the only clear image i could see, everyone else was kinda blurry. he's on his way down the basement and i was on my way home. when we meet at the middle part of the stairs i knew that that was my LAST as in last chance of saying goodbye or sorry or whatever. i was thinking too much ... he's already in front of me.

all those things i've been planning to say has melted in my mouth.

i tapped his shoulders "we're cool now .... aren't we?"

he just passed by me. i was so sad. that freaking bastard! how could he act that way!!! he was the one who hurt me, insulted me and damaged my things ... whatever ... if we're not cool for him, fine!!!

then i felt a pat on my back "yeah ... we are."

i looked back, he was smiling and i smiled back.

the drum and lyre band was inside my chest again ... playing that damn song ...
over and over ....

the beat kept on going.

sudden burst of colours ... it's hurting my eyes ... now it makes me want to cry

Get this widget Track details eSnips Social DNA

inside this chaotic jungle i call my mind
i have this colorful paradise ... everything's so bright
glittering, sparkling ... it was the most beautiful place i've ever seen.


it has all the colors in the world.
it's abstract and yet so easy to understand
it's not complicated in any way.


my world, my secret world ... yeah that's simply it!



in my world you can see fairies and dragons and robots from the future.
you will see spies and aliens and undercover agents.
everything you could ever imagine is just there
my world knows no bounderies
everyone is so uncompatible ..... and still
they all fit so perfectly.



you can just tell how i love my colorful world.
because in the real world if i'm not allowed to get what i want ...
that means i'm not allowed.
but i was never been embittered by the fact that some things aren't meant for me to have.
because i know in my paradise it will fit perfectly
in my paradise, there is no such thing as "not allowed."
in my paradise every color complements each other.



so if i'd be given a chance to choose between reality and and my paradise ...
i'd choose my paradise ... in a heartbeat!





in reality i have this dull sheet of paper they call life.
everything's in the shade of gray.
i wanted it to be as colorful as my paradise but i'm afraid of the consequences.
i want to get a paint and just splash it in my paper.
i want to put glitters in it.
cut outs. everything!

i wanted it to be a work of art ...
a very beautilful piece of trash.
but i'm so damn scared!!!

all my life i've been living in this shade of gray.
my comfort zone ... it's boring, yes ... but whatever
at least i know that inside that dull gray shade
i'll always be safe. ... yeah.. bored .... but safe!

i wanted to choose bright colors but i'm afraid they won't blend.
so ... i end up using pencil in my paper ... just pencil ..... always pencil ...
because i know no matter how i ugly it might turn out .. i can always erase it.


now this sudden splash of colours ...
it's so inviting, so tempting, so hypnotizing....
this sudden splah of colours in my gray shaded paper ...
it's hurting my eyes and it makes me want to cry.

i dont think i'm ready for it.
i want it and i dont want it at the same time
and it hurts to feel that way.

this sudden splash of colours is making my dull paper complicated.
it's brightness blinded me. almost took away my ability to think.
that bright, bright color that it has ...
has captured a part of me i never thought i had.

i know i want it but i cant have it ... i cant and i dont want to.
it's giving me a headache .. a really bad one!
just thinking about it makes me want to stop thinking
talking about it makes me lose every sensible word i want to say.


this bizzare blend of red and orange and yellow and purple and black and green
and every freaking colour that ever existed ...
every freaking colour in the world ... it has it ...
and it makes me want to run to it ... dive into it ...
into its tempting pool of beautiful colours.


but i know better ...
i know where my place should be ...
anywhere, anywhere as long as it's not there ...
whenever i see it coming in my direction ....
all i ever have to do is turn around and walk away.


walk away from it ...
a simple solution to a very simple problem ....


simple and easy???


yeah, simple but definitely not easy

it's funny because if another person has this problem and asks me for an advice
... my quick reply would be ...
if you don't want it ... then just turn around and walk away ....

sadly .. that's not the case here ... my damn problem is ...
i think this stupid blood-pumping machine inside my body wants it.
or i don't know ... maybe this stupid microchip inside my skull is just playing
this stupid and annoying game on me ....

making me believe this is more than what it really is ...
i don't know ...
all i know is that it is so freaking weird ...
because even inside my colorful paradise .... i know this sudden burst of colours wont fit
it wont blend ... i tried
... but it just can't ...
for the first time ... something from reality wont fit in my paradise ...

it's hurting me ....
it's hurting me so bad!!!

... i never thought the word "not allowed" would ever exist in my paradise.
now this beatiful sudden burst of colours ....
i wont be tempted by it ...
because i know deep down inside ...
somebody else owns it ....
it is only there for me to look at ... not for anything else ...


sadly i don't think it is for sale ...
or even if if it is ... i know i cant afford it.
and i'm not that stupid to sell every freaking thing i worked for
just for that ....

it's hurting my eyes ....


and now ...... it makes me want to cry .....

awful headache ... it hurts so damn bad!!!

headache!

i hate this feeling ...
something inside me hurts and its making me hurt all over.

it's so damn weird that these small cuts that i have gives me headache ... a really bad one.
small cuts ...
i always have small cuts and i don't even know where i got them.

i always have these minor, minor wounds
they're so small so whining about them seems to be a little absurd.
...

so i just ignore them because i know they will heal in no time.


*sigh

small wounds ...
yeah they sure heal fast but damn they hurt so bad.
but whatever ... i mean it'll only take a few days
and they'll be gone ... poof! just like that ... you know.


but today ... it really hurts ...
i don't wanna whine abou it
but holy macaroni this shit is freaking killing me!!!

first it started w/ a small cut i got from the jeepney.
then another small cut that i had no idea where i got.
then this cursed wisdom tooth and it made my freaking gums swell.
(i mean my GOD! it's been growing inside my mouth for over a year now)
then finally this freaking mysterious spot in my forehead.


it just came out of nowhere and hurts like hell!
i hate this damn feeling ...

i always ignore minor wounds like these
i didn't thought that if there were a lot of them it will freaking hurt this BAD!!!


again, i really hate that i'm whining about small stuffs like these.
but what the hell man!
this is my damn blog and i'm free to write anything

no matter how senseless they may be ...
and it is ALL ABOUT ME!!!
this is my blog and i'm the always the main character in it!
everyting inside this trash bag of mine is ABOUT ME, ME and ME

ok so you wasted your time reading this senseless post
what the fuck! it's your fault you read it.
it's not like i forced you right!


oh shoot! sorry guest,
sorry for being rude ....
it's just that my head aches so bad
and i can't think of anything to write!

oh GOD it really hurts!

EMO SHIT!!!

for the last time PLEASE!!! ........

just stop this EMO thing!!!



......

"PUTANG INA MO ITIGIL MO NA YAN, UTANG NA LOOB!!!!!!!"

- bitter person -



fuck you!
i really can't believe how you turned out to be so EMO ...

no offense to EMO people,
but hey, what can I do ... i just freaking hate your species ...

i cant believe how fast you guys multiply ...
i mean what's the point of multiplying this fast
if all you want is to commit SUICIDE ...
damn!
just fucking DIE!!!

nah! ... I'm being so mean ...
i really hate EMO people, but that was just so mean ...

anyway ...


when this whole emo phenomenon started
i was pretty sure that there's no freaking way that you'll be part of it ...





remember when you used to to be so fucking confident.


you've really done a good job in making me feel worthless.
you called me stupid.
you enjoyed pointing out that i was the 3rd to the last in class ranking.
you even thought that you were smarter than our biology teacher.


I wanted to hate you.
but i couldn't ...
because it's true ...
i'm stupid because i don't study.

i was so fucking selfish
i didn't realize that my parents are actually working their ass off
for my gold plated tution fee.


i used to think that high school
means having fun ...
i didn't think i needed to study hard

... that's why even if you're the only freaking person who ever made me feel as worthless as a freaking piece of trash i still couldn't hate you.


all the while i thought i was actually a smart person.
you proved me wrong.
you downgraded me,
insulted me in a lot of freaking hurtful ways.

but still, i couldn't hate you ... as a matter of fact, i wanted to thank you.
because you somehow helped me to mature ....


and now what!!!


you talk trash about yourself.
you say you're worthless
good for nothing
what else ...
your freaking mr. wrong
no one could love you
you're the lowest form of being
you're so stupid

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

then where would that palce me????
FUCK YOU MAN!!!!
this is the most insulting thing ever ...

i wish i have a time machine so i could just take you back to that time ...
time when you were .... you know .... normal.

please just be confident again ... you have the fucking right to be.
you're so smart,
you're a very nice person (yeah ...honestly ... i think you are)

... you have a lot of good qualities ...
it's just the fact that i hate you now makes me forget what those qualities are ...


the point is ...

please stop this EMO shit ...
before i start feeling bad about my self again ...
you've already done a magnaficent job back in high school
it's so damn tiring to always be insecure ...


give me a chance to feel good about myself ...
i think i deserve that ...
i've worked hard just to get over those freaking insecurities you gave me.




it just feels so damn bad that in another part of the world ...
someone thinks of me as a freaking piece of trash







PUTA KA GAGO!!!
PANO MO NASASABI YANG MGA BAGAY NA YAN SA SARILI MO
KUNG SA TINGIN MO MAS MABABA AKO SAYO ...
E KUNG GANYAN KA PALA KABABA SA SARILI MONG PANANAW
E ANO PA KAYA TINGIN MO SAKIN!!!
ALIKABOK!!!


MGA TAO TANDAAN NYO TO AH!
KUNG MANGIINSULTO KAYO...

PUTANG INA NYO, SIGURADUHIN NYO NA HINDI NYO IBABABA NG TODO YUNG MGA SARILI NYO!
... BIGYAN NYO NAMAN NG KAHIT KONTING
JUSTICE YUNG MGA TAONG ININSULTO NYO ...

OR WAG NA LANG KAYONG MANG INSULTO IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!

funny choices .... just choose to be happy and you will be

being extremely happy,
tragically sad,
dangerously angry
or even falling madly in love ...

every freaking emotion is just a state of mind.

it's funny how people choose to live a miserable life.
how they choose not to stand up immediately after they fall ...

how they talk trash about themselves,
fishing for other people's god d***** symphathy!
drowning themselves with depressing thoughts when all they really have to do is stand up and FREAKING MOVE ON!!!


it's so damn funny that someone seems to think that everybody needs to hear his story ...

I mean ... come on! what the F*** are you trying to pull here???

guilt trip? or freaking reverse psychology perhaps ....




seriously come on!

wake up!

whatever it is that you're feeling right now ... it's just a state of mind.
you most definitely have the power over it.

everything you'll ever need to be happy is just there ... inside that thick skull of yours ...

all you have to do is think,
and look for the bright side of everything and be happy ...

sure, you may have made mistakes ...
but who doesn't???
just think of it as a learning experience and still be happy about it.
be grateful for the lesson learned ... another knowledge gained.

sure, its ok to be sad, or to let people know that you're hurt ...
but please for the sake of your own sanity ... don't let it control you

negative vibes are very poisonous ...
don't let it linger ...

SHAKE IT OFF!!!

if you had a rough fall
all you have to do is dust yourself off
stand up and keep moving forward ...

don't ever let negativity ruin you ...
shake it off!!!

smile ... and just ....

live your life ...


and you know what ....

it's just so FREAKING FUNNY that somehow, you still can affect me ...
...
but like i've said ... it's just a state of mind ...

i'm affected because i chose to be affected
i feel sorry for you because i chose to feel sorry for you ...
i looked at you not because i can't resist you but because i chose to look at you.


but ask me ...

am i bothered?
no.

why?
because i choose not to.

am i feeling guilty?
no.

why?
because i chose not to.
besides, why would i?
there's nothing to feel guilty about anyway.

....

now this question on my mind ...


why didn't i tell you name when you asked?
because i dont want to ...

why?
i didn't want you to know who i am.

why?
because i don't have the energy and time to deal with
an emo.




was it hard?
no, not really ... but i used to think it was ...

why?
because i chose to think it was ...
why?
because i was bored ...



but anyway ....

I've managed to move on!!!!
i'm so so HAPPY right now ...

and so can you .... all you have to do is choose ...


just stop whining and
stop being EMO
....

trust me ... your life will be BETTER ...

just put that blade down man!
be a man!

TRIGGER POINT .... don't you dare ...

KAHAPON PA 'KO NA IINIS!!!!

usually hinahayaan ko lang yung mga bagay bagay sa earth
e ano kung nakakainis sila ....
hahayaan ko na lang silang maging NAKAKA-INIS ...

dahil pag nag paapekto ako, ako rin naman ang lugi dun.
care nila kung naiinis ako sa kanila ...

as if naman mababawasan yung pagkatao nila pag nainis ako diba ....


basta ako prinsipyo ko sa buhay e' ... iwasang mainis, magalit, ma-badtrip, makipag away ...
BASTA UMIWAS SA GULO !!!


may mga ilang bagay lang talaga na tinatawag kong "TRIGGER POINT" na pag nakalabit mo ...
magwawala ako, mag hi-hysterical, mang aaway ng kahit sinong makita ko na may aurang nakakaBUWISIT!!!!!


ilang taon ko ring pinag aralan kung pano controlin yan ....
at ngaun ngang college na q .... finally nag succeed din aq ...

dahil ngaun ndi na yung temper ko ang kumo-control sakin, it's the other around ....
kaya naman di hamak na mas peaceful na ang buhay ko ngaun ....


PERO PUTANG INA!!!
BUWISIT NA BUWISIT TALAGA 'KO!!!!!
AS IN SOBRA!!!!


BLANKONG-BLANKONG UTAK KO DAHIL SA SOBRANG KA-BADTRIPAN!!!
SHIT TALAGA!!!! KAASAR!!!!!!!!!

PUTANG INA NYO MAMAMATAY DIN KAYO GAGO!!!!!!

RAAAAAWWWWWRRR!!!!


KAHAPON PA TO E' .... NAKATULOG NA KO'T LAHAT LAHAT, NAKA-LIGO, NAKA KITA NG MGA X-MAS LIGHTS, NAKA NOOD NG T.V ....

PERO ETO BADTRIP PA RIN!!!!



PUTANG INA TALAGA ....
LECHE AT NGAUN WALA PA KONG MAGAWANG LEAD SA PRINT TRAINING DAHIL NGA BLANKO UTAK KO!!!!!!


SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! ...

SOMEBODY PULLED MY TRIGGER
.... GOODLUCK NAMAN SAKIN DIBA ....
KUNG HANGGANG KAILAN TONG KA-BADTRIPAN NA TO .... HINDI KO ALAM ...


PASALAMAT NA LANG AKO NA CONTROL KO PA SARILI KO ....
DAHIL KONTING KONTI NA LANG

MABABANGAS KO NA YANG MUKHA MONG HAYUP KA!!!!

KAINIS TALAGA!!!!!!

yang trigger point na yan ....
yan ang pinaka iniingatan kong parte ng pagkatao ko ....
para yang negative energy na na nakatago sa sarili kong pandora's box ...

dahil once na may nakapag bukas nyan .... katapusan na naming dalawa ... or kung group sila, katapusan na naming lahat ...

dahil pag lumabas yang negative energy na yan ... mawawalan ako ng kaibigan ...
magagalit at maiinis sakin lahat ng tao dahil lalabas yung NAPAKASAMANG UGALI KO
na matagal ko na tinatago ... at pag nangyari yun .... kung sino man yung nangahas na mag bukas ng box na na yon ....

PUTANG INA MONG HAYUP KA SISIRAIN KO BUHAY MO!!!!

trigger point ...

yang maliit na part na yan ng pagkatao ko ...
that's my weakest part ....
bawal lapitan .... 10 km radius ...
dahil hyper-sensitive ang box ...
kahit kaliit-liitang part ng kahit ano sa ibang tao ... bsta dumikit sa red line
... magagalaw yung box ... at mag li-leak ...
at kung sino mang kasama ko ...
makaranas ng kahit droplet man lang ng kung ano man ang meron sa box na yun ...
siguradong maBWI-BUWISIT sakin!!!


kaya jen at patrick ....
salamat sa pasensya kahapon ...

wla pa mang isang droplet un ...
at ni ndi pa man lang dumidikit sa red line yung aleng yun ...
yung 10 km radius ndi pa nya naabot ... pero medyo malapit dun ...

kaya pasensya na talaga

buti di tayo napa-away ....

badrtip pa rin ako!!!!

that's just so damn wrong!!!

Tama bang mag stay sa room ng barkada ng boyfriend mo?
12:39 na po!

what's up with that????

fine, .... so apparently ...

ayon jan sa kinikilos mo ....

mukhang kaka-break nyo lang ...

still!!!!

dba? ... sa room ng barkada ng most recent ex mo?
... at eto pa ...

tama bang mag lock kayo ng room???

ilang bote nga pla ng beer ung binili nyo?

at ano pa tong naririnig ko?

jan ka pa matutulog?

OH MY GOD!!!



... do you have any idea of what people may think???? ...



e kung yung girlfriend nga nung lalaking yan pag bumibisita at nag o-over night
dun natutulog sa room ng sisters nya ...

oo nga tumatakas pa rin cla ... pero kahit ganun, atleast nmn dba ... nag hihintay cla hanggang tulog na lahat!!!


isa pa yang lalaking yan ...
tama ba namang patulugin yung ex ng barkada nya sa room nya???

just because nasa abroad ang girl friend nya???

THAT"S JUST SO DAMN WRONG!!!!

How to save a life (step 1 say we need to talk)

TENSYONADO ...
KABADO ...
PARALISADO ...





last year ...

may batchmate ako na nag suicide.

we're not really close ... ni ndi nga kme friends ...

anyway, nagpunta pa rin ako sa burol nya ...



parang naging batch reunion andun ung mga classmates ko nung elementary pati nung high school.



nakakagulat dahil sa loob ng 3 yrs na hindi ko sila nakita ... sobrang daming pagbabago.

in a way ... nag mature silang lahat.





nakaugalian kong sumilip lgi sa coffin pag may dadalawin ... wla lng ... di ko alam kung bakit



... cguro for closure .... ewan ko ba!





simula nung namatay yung lolo judge ko ganyan na ko lagi.
nung kse namatay xa never kong nakita ung corpse nya ... kaya cguro ganun


anyway,
nung sinilip ko na sya dun sa loob ng maliit nyang kahon ...
kahon na magiging bagong tahanan na ng katawan nya.
di pa rin ako makapaniwala na last yr. lang nakita ko pa sya.



di ko talaga lubos maisip na ung pinaka maagang batch reunion e burol ng isa samin.

naalala ko lang sya as a lively boy, ung medyo bully, makulit, apple of the eye ng teacher ...



nun ko na-realize kung gano talaga kaikli ang buhay.





narinig kong nag uusap ung mga close friends nya ...

nag text pa kasi sya bago nya tapusin na lahat ...

nag-hanap muna ng kausap ...

kaso MID TERMS na nung kaibigan nya ... ang sabi lang sa kanya,

"oi bukas na lang ah, exam ko kasi bukas tsaka wala na 'kong load"



after nun nag bilin bilin na sya ...





wednesday morning ... ayun ... nkita ung katawan nya.





ang laki ng pagsisisi nung kaibigan nya ... wala syang ibang magawa kundi umiyak na lang ...




isang bagay na pinagpapasalamat ko kay Lord noon,
buti na lang hindi ko sya friend ... kse kung nagkataon ... di ko alam gagawin ko ...



sabi ko sa sarili ko ...
from now on ... if any of my friends wants to talk ... i'll make sure someone will listen to them.



sumasakit yung ulo ko ...
kumakabog yung dibdib ko ...
nate-tensyon ako ...
natatakot ako ...



yung nangyari sakanya ... sana hindi mangyari sakin ...
... just talk to me ... i'll try my very best to listen




Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
Pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong (where did I go wrong), I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up (I would have stayed up) with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

i'm Ms. 100 yrs but he's Mr. forever ...

naaalala mo pa bang tong eksenang to?

classmate ko: oi totoo ba? si hapnoy na daw tska si hannah ... dba best friend mo un?
ako: Nde noh! .. edi kung cla na aq na sana unang nka-alam

(after 2 months)

ikaw: oi ... may sasabihin ako.
ako: o?
ikaw: . ... ano, umm,
ako: ano?
ikaw: ... e' tsk, eeeh, wag na nga lng!
ako: cge na .. ano na kse un? ... nkaka bitin naman to o!!!
ikaw: ... kami na ni Jo ...
ako: ... (speechless)
ikaw: ... (speechless din)
ako: weh! ... kailan pa?
ikaw: ... tgal na rin,
ako: hala, bkt ngaun mo lang cnabi sken???
ikaw: e' bka kse isipin mo malandi ako e'
ako: nge, ang baba naman ng tingin mo sa lawak ng pang unawa ko ...

...
tpos it turns out na yung nagtanong pla sken, all the while alam nya na KAYO na nga tlga. bigla tuloy ako nahiya ... sobrang confident kasi ako nung sagutin ko yung tanong nya.

feeling ko talaga ang STUPID ko.

tpos nun nagkaron na nga malaking-malaking wall sa pagitan natin,
kalahating hapon sya at itago na lang natin sa pangalang hapnoy.

pero ...

ayos lang naman e ...
kse after bago ako lumipat ng school na-tibag natin yung wall na un ...
after nun there's no such thing as SECRETS between us.

marami pang ibang dumating after nun.

may RINBEE, KABAYO, PILLOWS, CHINOY, MUSHROOM SOUP ... yung RACER at kung sino sino pa na tinatago natin sa mga weird na codenames tulad nyan ...



...
naicp ko nun
kahit sino pa yang dumating sa buhay mo ok lng ...
ndi lng basta ok ... i'll be very happy for you ...


at ngaun nga may bago ka nang intsik sa buhay mo.
ewan ko pero,

kahit kelan ndi ko na-feel na mawawala ka ng dahil sa isa sa mga yon.
pero yung intsik mo ...

he's different.

24 days na lng 7th anniversary na ng friendship nten.
sabi nten nun we''l be best friends for 100 yrs.
ang cool. ang cute isipin.

nung sinabi mo na sken ung tungkol sa intsik mo ...
I suddenly felt as if we'll be in our 97th yr. ...
konti na lang mag e-expire na.

ako: ... kayo na ba?
ikaw: ndi ... pero parang ganun na rin
ako: ah! ... exclusively dating ...
ikaw: parang ganun na nga ...
ako: seryoso na ba yan?

( dati pag tinatanong ko sayo yan sagot mo agad ... " ay nku, di ko iniisip yung mga ganyan, ayoko ng commitment .... blah blah blah")



ikaw: ... umm,,, .... medyo

ako: OH MY GOD!!! hala! naglalandi na xa o'

ako: weh! as in seryoso na ba yan ... so ... nkikita mo yung future nyo together ...

ako: 10 yrs from now?

ikaw: nde ...

ako: ....

ikaw: hndi lng 10 yrs ... forever ....



ewan ko ba, kahit pa nung sinabi ko sayo na KAILANGAN qng ma-meet yan intsik na yan ...

part of me is scared to death ...





takot kse baka di nmen feel ang isa't isa ... pag nangyari un ... pano ka na? or worse ... pano na q?

takot kse baka masyado palang mabait yan to the point na di ka na nya ma-protektahan.

takot kse baka yung busy schedule mo lalong maging busy.

takot kse baka kahit miss na miss na kita, ako ndi mo nami-miss dahil andyan na xa.

takot kse baka masyado mong ma-enjoy yung company nya at ma-bore kana sken.

takot sa maraming bagay.

pero higit sa lahat ...



takot kse ... ako si Ms. 100 yrs mo pero sya ang Mr. forever mo ...



kaso ang magagawa ko ...



MAHAL MO e' ...



bilang best friend mo ... all i can do is



SMILE and be HAPPY for you ... never mind my fears ...

di mahalaga yun ... ang mahalaga, MASAYA ka ...

andito naman ako para umalalay dba ...





and if, GOD FORBIDS, it turns out that he's not really your Mr. forever ...

i'm just a call away ... tutulunganpa kitang hanapin sya ...



ndi ko naman kailangan mkipag compete dba?

mas ok na nga yun e' atleast dalawa na kami na nasa likod mo dba?

you're right, i'm wrong .... my apologies (oh come on!!!)

... "the problem in having an open mind is ... other people would like to tag along and try to put stuffs in it"

-bsta nabasa ko sa RD asia-


...

open minded
yeah, that's how i describe myself.

you can talk to me about anything and everything under the sun.

may it be politics, religion, films, tv series, music, ANYTHING!!!!


---
....

try mo mkipag usap sakin.
mag bibigay ako ng opinyon ko, pwede mo ring ibigay opinyon mo kung gusto mo.
kahit ano pang topic yan ...

one thing's for sure, kahit magkaiba pa tayo opinion ... siguradong hindi dadanak ang dugo.

malaki ang respeto ko sa opinyon ng ibang tao. dahil gusto irespeto din ang opinyon ko. simple diba

high school ako nung na-discover ko na may special gift ako.

THE GIFT OF AVOIDING COMMOTIONS

simple lng nmn kse yan e' ... matuto kang ilugar yung pride mo.
pag nagsisimula na nang uminit ang usapan ... ikaw ang mag baba ...
di dahil yun ang tama (crap!) badtrip yung mga nagsasabi na "magpakumbaba ka dahil yun ang tama"

(sa point of view ko) ... gnagawa nila un para sabihin ng mga tao na:
"Wow ang bait nmn nya mapagpakumbaba"

OH COME ON!!!

naniniwala ka ba????

karamihan ng tao, nagpapakumbaba not because it is the right thing to do.
It's just that masyadong time consuming ang mga komosyon.
...

di ko naman sinasabi na don't stand for what you believe in because it's a waste of time.

NO.

that's not what i mean.

ang gusto ko lang sabihin kung di naman tlga ganun kalaking issue sayo yon ...
then SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN!!!! wag ka nang umepal pa
hahaba lang usapan nyan e.


...
dahil sa pananaw q na 'to, nanatiling mapayapa ang buhay q.
un nga lang BORING

.... (to be continued ... nahihilo na q e)

pangarap o ambisyon????

ma'am cora: if you have plans of getting married ... how many children would you want to have?

ako: umm ... ahmm, .... hmm, ah, ... ma'am i .... i have no plans of getting married ...

ma'am cora: why??? ....

ine-explain ni ma'am cora na maybe i'm too young to say things like that.
ewan ko ba ... habang nag e-explain sya halos wala rin akong naintindihan. ang natatandaan ko lang yung sinabi nyang BURNING DESIRE ano na nga ba yung tanong nya? ... na-feel ko na daw ba un?
or maybe my heart was burned once ... something like that

(flash of thoughts)
one fine sunny afternoon.
a simple house.
a little boy playing ball with his dad.
a litte girl helping her mom to prepare merienda.

then, they all eat togehter.
crack jokes.
laugh together.
have fun together ...
one happy family

wow ... ang sarap naman nun
simple pero andun na lahat ...
pangarap ng marami and somehow ... at the back of my mind ako rin ...


(another flash of thoughts)

a successful journalist travelling around the world.
venice, prauge, the great wall of china, eiffel tower, agean sea, sunset in kenya,
pyramids in egypt ... anywhere around the world ...

tons of money
my own foundation (home for the aged)
a beach house in Zambales
a rest house in tagaytay

***
one rainy day.
pull a chair beside the window.
enjoy a cup of hot aromatic coffee.
every sip is heaven.
watch as raindrops fall on my window pane.
think, unwind ... feel the taste of success ...

now that's life!
at ito ang ambisyon ko!!
...

kung papipiliin ako dun sa dalawa
wala nang isip-isip, i'd choose the second one.
maraming taong nangangarap ng simpleng buhay ... pero naisip ko
hindi ba mas mahirap un???

... LOVE ... well romantic love for that matter was never really a part of my vocabulary. lagi kong iniisip bata pa 'ko bata pa 'ko ...
w/c is true ...

pero, hanggang kailan ba 'ko bata ... hanggang makatapos ng college? hanggang makakuha ng stable job? hanggang maka-ipon ng maraming-maraming pera? hanggang matapos ko lahat ng plinano ko para sa buhay ko? or hanggang sa ma-feel ko yung burning desire na sinasabi ni ma'am cora? ...

hypothetically speaking,
what if, ... ma-feel yun while i'm at the peek of my career ... anong gagawin ko?

kung pipiliin ko yung "burning desire" na sinasabi ni ma'am cora
this is what would probably happen:

magiging masaya 'ko for a year or two, i guess ... but it wont take long before i start to feel that "there's-something-missing" feeling ...
or if he convinced me to choose him and cahnge my mind in the first place, well
maybe i really love him that much ... and that would make things even worse.
kse ang choices q na lang e kung hahayaan ko syang masaktan o hahayaan kong masaktan ang sarili ko. syempre kung mahal ko sya di ko sya hahayaang masaktan diba ... pero hindi rin ako pinanganak na masukista ... kaya ano nang gagawin ko?

i know how i am ... mapanisi akong ako ... cguro nga di 'ko masasabi sakanya un on his face ... pero one thing's for sure ... kung talagang kilala nya ko or if he really cares for me ... mararamdaman nya un, makikita sa mga mata 'ko na hindi ako masaya. at dun naman nagsisimula yun lahat diba?
hanggang sa papasok na ung it's-not-you-it's-me factor ...
naniniwala ako sa love. i believe that it's the most magical thing on earth.
everything's possible when it comes to love ... parang yung sa lolo't lola ko
hanggang sa huli sila parin after more than 50 yrs of marriage... ganun pa rin sila.
it's like they're falling in love with each other everyday.

ayoko na mabura un sa utak ko. ayokong mapatunayan ko yung mga nakikita ko sa paligid. ayokong mapatunayan na hindi pa sapat yung one fine sunny afternoon para punuan yung greece, yung venice, paris, egypt, africa ...
yung beach house sa zambales, resthouse sa tagaytay ... lahat un.
ayoko na ung pagiging ambisyosa ko yung dahilan para makasira ng kahit kaninong pamilya. ... lalo na siguro kung sa akin pa yun.

pero kung pipiliin ko naman yung ambisyon
this is what would probably happen:

wala ...
cguro pagka ubos dun sa cup of hot aromatic coffee na yun.
tatawag ako sa bestfriend ko mag aayang lumabas ... kaso may outing yung family nila
kaya ndi sya pwede.

tapos ayun kukuha na lang ulit ako ng isa pang cup ng kape. ...
mag iisip ... mai-inggit pero sasabihin ko sa sarili ko ...

"YOU CAN'T LOOSE WHAT YOU NEVER HAD"

at siguro magiging masaya na 'ko sa ganun.



as of now ...
wala akong kakayahan para hindi piliin yung ambisyon ko.
dahil yun lang yung dahilan kung bakit ako nagpapaka-hirap mag aral ngaun
dito ko lang binubuhos lahat ...

hindi ko kayang isipin na hindi ko maabot yung mga ambisyon na yun ...
hindi ko kaya ...

i'm too selfish to deserve a happy family ...

....
pero bakit ko nga ba iniisip 'to???
... it was just an educational discussion ...

... basta ...
ewan ko ba ...
basta ang alam ko, kahit bali-baligtarin mo pa ang mundo ...
lilibutin ko 'to ... whatever it takes ... mararating ko lahat ng gusto kong puntahan ....

hay nku "burning desire" ... kung sino ka man ... wag ka munang dumating pls. lang ... dahil kung ngaun ka darating ... iiwan lang kita ...
i'm almost there ... hinding hindi ko ipagpapalit yung pangarap ko sa'yo ...
kung ngaun ka dadating ... ganito na lang ... try to change my mind (w/c seems to be impossible) or .... just come with me ...









Hey lady, you lady
cursing at your life
you're a discontented mother
and a regimented wife
I have no doubt
you dream about the things you never do
but I wish someone had talked to me like I wanna talk to you

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacher man
and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces
Because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

Please lady please lady
don't just walk away
Cause I have this need to tell you
why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me
still living in your eyes
won't you share a part
of a weary heart that has lived a million lives

Oh, I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
when I sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
and showed them what I've got
I've been undressed by kings
and I've seen some things that a woman ain't s'pose to see
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie
a fantasy we created about people and places
as we like them to be
but you know what truth is?
it's that little baby you're holding
and it's that man you fought with this morning
the same one you are gonna make love to tonight
that's truth that's love

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children
that might have made me complete
but I, I took the sweet life
I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I spent my life exploring
the subtle whoring
that costs too much to be free
hey lady I've been to paradise
but I've never been to me...

I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

FREEDOM

[nka bracket 'to dahil di tlga to ksama sa post ... bale ie-explain ko lang ... kaya (whew! di aq mkahinga ng maayos) ... pasenxa na... gusto ko sana mag-post ng english kaso bka maligaw ako sa grammar ... feeling ko mas maipapaliwanag 'ko to ng maayos kung di binabantayan ang grammar. pero ang rule ay rule kaya dapat lang sundin (nanginginig yung kamay ko, di aq mkapag type) about sana sa serial killer ung post na 'to e ... kaso, naiba (ung puso ko ang weird ng tibok, nanlalamig ung buong katawan ko) ndi talaga ko marunong madala ... (naiiyak na 'ko) *sigh* ngaun ndi ko na alam kung pano sisimulan 'to ... bahala na, feeling ko lang kasi pag hindi ko nilabas 'to ngaun ... uusigin aq nto sa loob ng mahabang panahon, ndi ko yata kaya un]



it's been months since i first tasted the sweet flavor of freedom.
it is infact addictive.

it's as if i died and had been reborn.

road to freedom was not easy though,
it required tons of tears, heartbreaking decisions and the most unfortunate part of all
it required me to hurt people, people whom i loved so much.


i woke up one day tired of everything, tired of the same old routine.
my days are parallel.
i feel as if i was a lifeless being, thrown in the river so-called "life" bound to follow the current for eternity.

it was then i decided to stop following.
i wanted to live my life.
and so, i laid out a plan ...
my sweet escape.

i've made up my mind
i will leave everything behind.
if that's what it takes, then i'm willing to sacrifice.

slowly ... i was drifting away,
none of them seemed to notice.
the plan was perfect
well at least it was ...



...until



i realized that something's holding me back.
i was a few inches away from my sweet ecsape ... a few inches, but i still couldn't reach it.

i needed to cut it off.
whatever it is,
i needed to cut it off.
i've come too far to give up just like that.
i have reached the point of no return.
there's no turning back now ...
there's nothing left for me to do but to push forward.

i've already done lot of terrible things just to get the freedom i think i deserve.
i'd probably go to hell for that so what's one more right?

i have to do what i have to do ...
i decieved and misled people.
i weaved a web of metaphor to cover up my lies.
yes, i did say the truth...
the twisted truths.
twisted to fit my story.

the plan was brilliant,
i did escape on time.
the summer of 2008
was my new birthday.

i remember the night before my escape
i kept everything inside a box.
all the mementoes, everything that would lure me into coming back.

i did a lot of things,
stepped in people's toes,
messed with people's minds.
i practically sold my soul to the devil.

i wouldn't waste that just because of a picture, or a birthday card, or a letter, or a personalized anklet that says "friends forever" made by my bestfriend ...
so i put them all inside a box, tied it with a black ribbon and threw it in the river.

i WAS free ...

but fate was cruel to me.
quarter of a year had passed i was getting used to my new life ...
i found the box.

i couldn't resist.
i opened it.
suddenly, i remembered everything.
every faded memories was clear again.

now i can't remember why i wanted to forget all about those things,
why the hell did i leave?

i came back to see how they were.
...
yup! they're fine ... they moved on.
they're healing ...

and that made me feel a lot better.
i thought it wasn't that bad after all.
they did recover in a short period of time.

yup! the taste of freedom is infact addictive.

i checked on them, they're happy now
and so was i.
a few more weeks and will face a new chapter of my life.
this time i brought the box with me.
i'm no longer afraid of the memories.

for the last time, i went to see them,
paricularly him. i wanted to really say goodbye. but i can't.

i should've made my final glance and walked away but i didn't.
i chose stay for a few more seconds.
then, i learned about his pain.
the pain that almost made him give up.

i saw his scar and it poked me right throught the heart.
time passed too slow, it's as if the timekeeper is doing it on purose to prolong my pain.
to mock me.
just like what i did to him.

he is happy now.
that should make be feel better but it didn't.
i did a lot of things and they're catching up on me now.

i am truly remorseful for what i did
but it's over and done.
i can't undo them anymore.

the pain that i might've caused him may cripple me and it may haunt me for a long time,
but it won't kill me.

my consience will sure punish me ...
it will hurt, i know.

yup! the taste of freedom is infact addictive...

at least i have that.

i came back.
i realized how much i needed those same old routines
i missed the simplicity of my everyday life.

i was wounded.
learning how much i've hurt them smashed my heart.

my soul was tortured
from the truth i chose to bend,
from the lies i chose to say.

these people that i left behind ...
they will take me back
i know it.
i feel it.

everything could go back to normal
it will.
i know.


[i tried my best ah! ... pasenxa na kung medyo magulo ... hirap nmn kse e]

[nka bracket 'to dahil di tlga to ksama sa post ... bale ie-explain ko lang ... kaya (whew! di aq mkahinga ng maayos) ... pasenxa na... gusto ko sana mag-post ng english kaso bka maligaw ako sa grammar ... feeling ko mas maipapaliwanag 'ko to ng maayos kung di binabantayan ang grammar. pero ang rule ay rule kaya dapat lang sundin (nanginginig yung kamay ko, di aq mkapag type) about sana sa serial killer ung post na 'to e ... kaso, naiba (ung puso ko ang weird ng tibok, nanlalamig ung buong katawan ko) ndi talaga ko marunong madala ... (naiiyak na 'ko) *sigh* ngaun ndi ko na alam kung pano sisimulan 'to ... bahala na, feeling ko lang kasi pag hindi ko nilabas 'to ngaun ... uusigin aq nto sa loob ng mahabang panahon, ndi ko yata kaya un]

...
hehehe pinipilit kong ayusin yung grammar ... hindi umuubra
may fine ba 'to?
sige bahala na
kung peace of mind naman ang kapalit ... i'm willing to pay the price.

hindi ko nga rin alam kung bakit ko to ipo-post ...
masyadong personal,
masyadong sensitive ...
awkward masyado ...

sa totoo lang naiisip ko rin na mapu2nta nanaman sa drafts to tulad ng ibang mga posts.
hay! ishe-share ko ba talaga 'to sa inyo???
...
cguro ...
ewan ko ...

paligoy-ligoy na q mxado ...

nasan na ang "happy" sa HAPPY BIRTHDAY ko???

tenent-tenententen ...
happy happy happy birthday!!!!


hay birthdays! ...
kung bata ka pa ma e-excite ka sa araw na yan
pero kung tamatanda na ... hay nku!

pero ano ba tlgang meron sa birthday?, bakit ba nagiging special?

noon iniisip ko na may cosmic law or something na nagsasaad na dapat masaya ka pag birthday mo ...

ewan ko ba ... lagi kong iniisip nun na pag birthday ko, pinagbabawal ng saligang batas na malasin ako twing sasapit ang itinakdang araw na iyon ...

SPECIAL AKO TUWING AUGUST 5!!!
araw ko yun! akin, kaya dapat ako ang itinatangi at pinagpapala!!!

high school na q nung napagtanto ko na ilang bilyon pla kaming nag be-birthday sa araw na yon ... pano na yan? ... pano pa 'ko itatangi ng kataastaasan nyan?

medyo nabahala ako nung una, kaso na-realize ko ... problema ba yun? ... edi mag share! .. lahat na lng kami natatangi ... edi everybody happy!!!


kaya ganun, hindi ko pa rin tinigil yung pantasya ko na itinakda ng panahon na maging espesyal kami, kami na nag se-celebrate ng araw ng kapanganakan namin!!!
taon-taon inaabangan ko 'tong araw na 'to umaasa na may magandang mangyayari ...
something unusual, ung tipo bang magiging one exciting twist, twist na babago sa lahat.

pero taon-taon din i end up being disappointed ...
masaya, pero parang laging may kulang pa
meron akong hinahanap pero di q alam kung ano ...

naaalala ko,
yung 16th b-day q pinuntahan q ung mga barkada ko ... nag-celebrate kami kahit sandali lang ... masaya ako nun ... pero pagkatapos, parang may kulang pa ...
kaya ayun natapos ang birthday ko na disappointed ako at nagtataka, nagiisip kung ano ba ung kulang ...

yung 17th b-day ko naman, nangangarag ako habang nag e-exam sa U.P. exam na nakatulugan ko rin naman ... kaya ayun ang ending bagsak! ...
dahil alam ko na disaster ang exam ko ...
natapos ulit ang itinakdang araw na malungkot ako at disapponted

18th b-day naman ... ayun, libing ni lolo ... halos itinulog ko lang ung araw na un ... di kse aq makakita ng dahilan para mag celebrate pa ... wala man lang ni isa sa mga barkada ko yung kasama ko ... gusto ko sana andun din sila ... para kahit pano
sumaya ako kahit konti lng ...
ayun, natapos ung ar aw na un na pagod, mugto ang mata, malungkot at disappointed nanaman ako ...

eto na nga ...
19th b-day ko ... nakakatawa dahil hanggang ngayon umaasa pa rin ako sa cosmic law na gawa-gawa ng utak ko ...
ayun, masaya naman ako ... masaya ako pero malungkot din ... feeling ko may kulang pa
lagi na lang may kulang ...


nakaka-lungkot ... cosmic law, cosmic law!
ilang taon din akong umasa sayo ...
para akong gago!
kasi hanggang ngayon naniniwala pa rin ako cosmic law na yan
at na di-disappoint ako dahil dun ...

na-realize ko lang nung may nagsabi sakin na hindi espesyal ang birthday!
isang araw lang un sa kalendaryo na nagsasabing HOY TUAMATANDA KA NA!!!

na isip ko ... oo nga noh!
sa wakas, after 12 yrs nalaman ko na rin kung ano ung nawawala ...

ano nga ba un???

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edi wala!
masyado lang akong maraming ine-expect
kaya parang laging may kulang

pumunta ko sa office ni mama hoping na swerterhin ...
tae! wala pa rin ...
umuwi ako ... chineck ko yung cellphone ...
walang man lng nag text!
cguro nga ... talagang ndi totoo ang cosmic law!

kaya umupo ako sa isang tabi ... nagisip saglit ...
at napag desisyunan ko na kalimutan na ang cosmic law

LINTIK KANG COSMIC LAW KA!!!
YOU TOOK AWAY "HAPPY" IN MY HAPPY BIRTHDAY

a year ago ....

... 2007



two weeks ago ... last year...




nanonood ako ng play, hindi 'ko ma-appreciate kasi ikaw yung iniisip ko.

iniisip ko, kailangan ko nang umuwi, kailangan kitang makita ...

gusto ko kasing sabihin na MAHAL KITA ... bago pa mahuli ang lahat.

maganda sana yung play, kaso wala naman akong naintindihan, kasi nga ... iniisip kita.



nung isang araw lang dalawang exam yung pinalagpas 'ko dahil sa wakas, darating ka na.

hay! palagpasin ang exam ... isang bagay hinding-hindi 'ko gagawin ... pero nagawa ko ... masaya ako na ginawa ko ... ilang taon na rin kasi mula nung huli kitang nakita, nakausap, nayakap ...



di ako mapakali sa buong byahe ... hinding hindi ko makakalimutan yung hitsura ng bus na halos walang laman nung sakyan 'ko ... hindi ko naisip na posible pala yun.

nagkamali pa nga ako ng sakay e' ... wala akong pakialam, basta ang importante makikita na kita.

pagbaba ko ng jeep tumakbo agad ako para makarating na agad ... wala 'kong pakialam kahit habulin pa 'ko ng mga aso ... basta ang alam ko makikita na kita.



pero bakit ganun, kararating ko pa lang paalis ka na agad ...

gusto ko sanang sumama kaso sabi nila hindi daw pwede ...



ngayon eto na nga ... katatapos lang ng play. lumabas agad ako ng theatre, diretso sa main gate, liko sa lerma, sakay ng bus ...

halos mag didilim na ... kinakabahan na 'ko ...

baka hindi ko na maabutan yung sasakyan na magdadala sakin papunta sayo.

parang gusto ko nang umiyak ...

hindi ako pwedeng magpaiwan ...



nakarating na rin ako, humahangos, hinihingal ... kakatakbo ...

buti na lang hindi pa nakaka-alis.



.... pagka-lampas sa ilang syudad, NLEX, palayan, syudad ulit, baryo, plaza, mall, syudad nanaman, palayan ulit, bangin, tulay, lahar, tulay ulit, simbahan ng iglesia, maliit na tulay, palayan nanaman, palengke , maliit na subdivision ...

sa wakas ... makikita na kita ...



pinuntahan ka namin sa kwarto mo tulog na tulog ka pa ...

gusto ko pa sanang mag-stay kaso kailangan ko munang umuwi sa bahay.

... bukas, dadalaw ulit ako, ay hindi mamaya na lang ...



nandito na 'ko ... kasama na kita, gusto ko sanang sabihin "alam mo ba? mahal kita." ...
pero ayaw lumabas ng mga salita ...

kaya ipaparamdam ko na lang ...

hindi ako aalis, dito lang ako. sa tabi mo.



ayokong matulog ... ayokong sayangin yung oras ko sa pagtulog lang ...
kasi sobrang dami na nung mga oras na sinayang ko ...
para magalit, para magtampo ...
ilang beses ba na pinalagpas ko yung pagkakataon na makausap ka? ... dahil lang sa wala akong maisip sabihin o may ginagawa akong iba.
ilang sulat nga ba yung pinili kong wag isulat dahil lang sa pangit ang sulat kamay?
ilang "mahal kita" ba yung pinili kong wag sabihin?

sayang talaga, dahil 'di ko na maibabalik yun ...
kaya ngayon ipapakita ko na ...
sige lang, matulog ka lang ... alam 'kong pagod ka na ... maglakbay, at lumaban sa takbo ng kapalaran ... kaya sige na ... matulog ka lang ... babantayan kita ....

wag kang mag-alala kung malamig man ngayon ....
hahawakan ko ang kamay mo ...
wag kang mag-alala kung nahihirapan ka mang mag-salita ...
naiintindihan 'ko, alam 'kong pagod ka na ...

salamat sa mga ngiti mo,
salamat sa mga naituro mo,
salamt sa pagaalala mo noon, nung mga panahong wala akong pakialam.
salamat sa mga alaala na dahil sayo, naging masaya

higit sa lahat salamat ...
dahil kahit hindi ko man nasabi ...
alam mo pala na mahal kita


... hinding hindi ko makakalimutan dahil yun ang mga huling sinabi mo ....
sakin, samin isang linggo bago ka tuluyang magpaalam ...
mahal nyo pala ako ...
ngayon na nasa taas ka na ... kasama nya ...
alam ko na babantayan mo pa rin kami, ako ...
lolo, kumusta naman dyan? ... para sa'yo 'to

first post ever!

'di ko natanong kung dapat ba english din ang blog na 'to. kaya habang di pa 'ko sinisita ni kuya Daniel at kuya Manuel, tatagalugin ko muna. (sige na mga kuya pagbigyan nyo na 'ko. exam namin bukas sa media management e', kaya nire-reserve ko yung utak ko.)

ano nga bang ma-sasabi ko ...
hindi naman talaga 'ko sanay sa mga blog blog na ganito e'. kaya nga medyo nagdalawang isip ako nung prinopose 'to nila kuya daniel kanina lang.
pero naisip ko ... teka, nga mukhang maganda naman yung idea nila. sabi kasi nila ang purpose daw nito e' para mahasa yung writing skills namin at para magka-kila-kilala na rin.

ummm, masasabi 'ko lang swerte ako sa napuntahan kong school, swerte ako dahil naging classmates ko ang mga classmates ko ngayon, hindi sa pambobola ah!
totoo 'to promise!

feeling ko kasi sa more or less 4 years na pagsasama-samahan pa namin e' sobrang dami kong mapupulot sakanila.
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... naku! unti-unti na 'kong nauubusan ng sasabihin kaya bago pa tuluyang mawalan ng sense yung mga susunod na i-ta-type ko ...
kailanagan ko nang tapusin 'to ngayon
mag re-review pa 'ko sa media management

pasensya kung parang nambobola ah ...
pero hindi nga talaga ... totoo yan!
sino nga bang mag che-check nito?
promise sa susunod aayusin ko na
wala lang talaga 'kong maisip ngayon
sumisigaw na kasi yung media management book ko
pag-aralan ko na daw sya