Last blog for the month

Lately it has been all about me, me, me and ME!

And I'm sorry.

I know you're in cloud 9 right now, believe me ... I AM HAPPY FOR YOU.

Sorry for being the ant on your picnic.

Sorry for dragging this (whatever it is) for so long.

Sorry for being such a buzzkill ...

1:11 am ... Invisible wall

1:11 na.

2 hours ago hindi ko alam kung ano bang gagawin ko sa sarili ko para paglabanan yung antok.

Dami pang kailangan gawin e.

Ngayon naman hindi ko malaman kung ano bang kailangan kong gawin para dalawin ulit ng antok.

Usually naman hindi kasing dalang ng opportunity yung pagdalaw ng antok sakin e ... tsk tsk tsk.

nagtampo siguro kasi pilit ko syang pinapaalis kanina.

Hindi ako makatulog.

ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. ...

Hindi na ako malungkot ... tapos na ako malungkot tungkol dito e.

bothered ... siguro?

Mas mabuti pa sa inaakala mo

I keep on replaying that conversation in my head over and over, and wonder 'where did I go wrong?'

I asked a simple question: 'hey, how are you?'

she answered: 'mas mabuti pa sa inaakala mo'

Now, what did I ever say or do to make her think that? mas mabuti pa sa inaakala ko?

e ano ba yung inaakala ko? Does that mean she thinks that I'm looking down on her?

Ano ba yung iniisip nyang inaakala ko?

Am I over thinking again?

mas mabuti pa sa inaakala mo ... :'( parang ang sakit lang.

Dear Universe,

I feel betrayed. :( If this is your way of teaching me, I think I get it. ... So ... don't do unto others, huh? I am so disappointed. ... Is this how I make people feel when I do what I do --when I lie? :/ ... I didn't realize it would feel like this. It took me so long to open up, to allow myself to get close to them, to trust them ... I feel betrayed.

change topic

so I guess this (whatever it is/was) is finally over.

I read your post over and over but somehow ... i'm still lost :/

I don't really get what you mean exactly.

so ... if you wouldn't mind, please explain it to me more?

but .... let's talk about it some other time.

... i'm just glad it's over.

10 minutes

One of these days I'll be asking for my 10 minutes. And when I do, I'll assure you you won't hear anything that isn't true.

Remember when I said sometimes you are wrong. This is one of those times. I didn't ask you to give me 'that space' because I don't want it. I didn't tell you to leave me alone because I don't want you to leave me alone. I don't want to feel like it's summer all over again.

And don't you dare start with my subconscious. I don't want space and I don't want to be left alone PERIOD! I don't know why did you think that's what I want. and that's a question I'd like you to answer. why?

I'm sorry for lying. I was caught off guard. I was (honest to God) just fooling around, then you suddenly asked a serious question. I panicked ... I'm not trying to justify what I did. I was wrong and I'm sorry. I just want you to know what happened.

... and umm, ... I didn't know what a 'pathological liar' is ... so thank you for the info ... all I know is that I lie when I feel I needed to. I thought it's just the same as being a compulsive liar. ... but yeah, pathological sounds better ... I think.

I can't just "not mind" the things you said. ...

I know you were drunk when you said it ... but that doesn't make it any less hurtful.

Kuya, you made me cry.

I thought I'd understand if you'll get mad ... I was wrong again. I didn't.

I don't know, maybe I got the wrong message ... but it felt like you were accusing me of not valuing our friendship that much. ... Why? ... because I can't tell you what my issue is? ... again, maybe I got it wrong ... but it felt that way. I was hurt. ... I kind of still am ...

I was mad until I read your reply ... I didn't understand. Now ... I think I kinda do ... sort of.

you were wrong my friend ...

What I needed was time ... I guess I should've just asked for it.

...........

I hope your mother gets better soon.

...

looks like we'll be having that space after all ... see you after cinemalaya ...

5 minutes

I was really looking forward to an 'okay' day.

Despite having nothing to do but cry all weekend, I can say that it was the best I had this month.

I miss watching korean dramas ...

Anyway, I really thought my week would start right. Somehow I feel free of baggage.

I guess all that crying for moohyuk and eunjae helped after all.

So, I went to Ortigas to pick up my certificate in the morning ... after 2 long months ... finally.

But when I got there ... fuck. It still wasn't done. ... and they told me that it was already printed a week ago. That kind of set my mood off ... but I decided to just let it slide ... I don't want to ruin my whole week again. ... they made me wait for an hour I think ... I don't know what's the fuss with my assessment form ... Sir Migs did his in 5 minutes ... I already told them I only need one ... I also told them that I was kind of in a hurry ...

I left without my certificate. .... Fuck.

I took the bus going to farmers ... of course I don't know how to go to school ... but I decided to figure it out myself :D ...

I went wherever my feet leads me. .... but then I got tired ... I started asking people for direction. A nice old lady taught me the direction ... but it was too complicated for me to remember ...

Then I saw a guy, probably the same age as me. he was wearing a uniform so I figured he's a student. I approached him and asked.

"uhm, ... excuse me po kuya, saan po yung lrt na may papuntang central station?"

"anong station?" he said in a not so pleasant tone. I'm starting to get intimidated a little.

"uh, ... Central Station po :/"

"Central?" he frowned. ... "[baka] RECTO!" ... now I just want to kick him in the face for being rude ... but I was the one bothering him and I was the one in need of that favor so I just smiled and said "ay, ... un sige oo, saan ako sasakay papuntang recto station?"

"sumunod ka sken." he said. I was a couple of steps behind him. I think he could've walked faster ... but nah, ... he told me to follow him so I guess he's kind of waiting for me.

"bumili ka ng card dun" again, he said in a slightly rude manner.

"oo nga ... sige .. salamat."

The line wasn't that long ... but I think it took me about 5 minutes to buy the card. When I turned around he was still there and hasn't punched or inserted (whatever it's called) his card yet. I smiled (awkwardly). He didn't.

We didn't have a hard time catching the train. there wasn't that much of a crowd. I stood near the door, he stood on the other side. I can't remember what his face looked like ... all I remember was his eyebrows ... I don't know ... maybe because he frowns a lot.

He went off at Legarda station, he looked at my direction before we went out. I nodded and smiled (again) He didn't.

he was rude. ... but I find it cute (the moment not the person) ... It's like a scene from the shows I used to watch.

I have a lot of those "moments" ... It's something I used to really appreciate ... and I find it a little "nakakilig" too. ... I didn't even recognize that it was one of those moments.

when I got to school all we (mads and I) talked about was the bad stuff ... I didn't even remember it until yesterday.

I used to enjoy those simple things ...

I hate saying "used to" ... but lately I've been doing a lot.

.... *sigh.

liar, liar pants on fire

Okay, ... I lied.

That wasn't the most honest answer I can give.

This is:

"I don't think I can talk about it. ... not now anyway. "

this is how it is ...

I don't like feeling the way I do. But I can't help it.

Truth is ...

I think I'm just over reacting.

I don't know ...

I'm sorry if I'm dragging anybody down ... Am I?

This is just a phase .... I guess.

I'll get over it soon ... I'm sorry for the mood swings.

I promise to try and keep it under control.

Dwelling on this for this long is already making me despise myself.

I just don't want to hear myself say it out loud ... this is just as much self hatred I can handle.

Anything more would not be healthy ... I think.

I'm sorry :( ...

this is not about trust ...

I just don't want to embarrass myself in front of anybody ... specially me ... not with this ...

I'm sorry.

I don't think I can say it without stretching and bending and twisting the truth ...

even if I don't really want to ... I think that's exactly what I'll do.

That is how I am. I'm not proud of it.

...

I've been honest with you ... or at least tried my very best to be ...

I don't feel lying now ... but ... damn, I already did ...

but ... you understand me ... don't you?

please say yes.

if you do ... can I claim that friend hug you were offering before?

... but if you don't and you find it shallow or annoying or irritating ...

do what you want ... I think I can understand that.

HUG??? ... anyone? :'(

I've been up all night. My stomach is churning, I feel like throwing up. But I can't.

My knees are too weak to get up. What the hell have I done?

I still have two more episodes left to watch. Sadly I can't finish it because 1) I can already see daylight through my window and 2) I can barely open my eyes anymore.

My mother will probably freak out. How could I explain my swollen eyes? ... bitten by a cockroach? ... both of them?

It wasn't as sad when I saw it a few years back. Why does it seem to be so heart breaking now?

oh my eyes ... my poor damaged eyes :(

I've been crying for 8 hours ... I didn't even notice the time.

My head ... it feels as if it's gonna explode.

I really feel like throwing up ... GOD! this is worse than a hang over.

much much worse.

and my heart ... oh God, my heart ... it's crushed.

I should probably download something funny ...

My heart ... it's crushed.

I should have listened to my friend.

I should never watch a sad movie/TV series ...

This is depressing. I seriously need a hug :'(

Dear Ms. Subconscious .... it's just his fucking birthday

To my favorite hang up, happy birthday :D

*sigh ... I didn't even notice that it's been 365 days since I bumped my head and realized how pathetic I was. I remember staring at my computer for hours and hours, my hands were shaking, my heart was beating so fast. Crazy. I was frying my brain trying to come up with a more creative way of saying happy birthday ... hahaha :D stupid me.

For five long years I patiently wait for three special occasions each year: your birthday, Christmas, and new year. Every year I wait just so I can initiate a conversation and not feel like i'm such a (can't think of an appropriate word) despite knowing that it will end in 5 minutes. ...

I remember almost memorizing your long (and totally unnecessary) explanation on why I shouldn't greet you, why you're not celebrating your birthday anymore ... haha, BS :D

I was like "what the fuck are you talking about? ... all I want is a 'thank you' or a ' :) ' ... or maybe if you're feeling generous of your time ... a little 'how have you been' would be nice.

It took me five long years to get tired of being dismissed like that. ...

now here I am ... getting bitched around by my subconscious ... luring me back into that viscous cycle of running to my manufactured problems when I can't face what I should be facing.

Why ms. Subconscious, why? ... didn't we agree that we are tired of this? that we are done with this? ... you should remember that ... because I do ... as clear as [insert anything 'clear' that you can think of here] ... Us agreeing is such a rare incident ... a moment as special as that should never be forgotten.

we got tired of the bullshit and we decided to move on ... sure, he got to us both again in November but it's not about liking him or being infatuated or something with him anymore ... It's about getting disappointed at someone we used to look up to. It's realizing that the person whom we think was so deep didn't (apparently) consider us even as a friend for the shallowest reason known to man --appearance.

of course that assumption could be wrong ... but ... do you really still care about that? ... please say no.

It's just his fucking birthday ... no big deal.

This is just a left over residue of our favorite hang up ...

We can't keep on coming back to it ...

that's just pathetic ....

let's not lose our self respect over this ... will you help me do that?

people say that what the subconscious is saying is what you really want.

I don't care ...

because if that's the case ... if it is really up to you ms. Subconscious...

then we'd be a horrible person ... 50x worse than what we are now.

you know that ... and you agree.

Coffee, Tea ... or ... Berto?

My life has been all about rants and mood swings and bad vibes for the past couple of weeks. I hate being at home more than ever. I don't really enjoy being at school. I don't want to be anywhere. If disappearing could be part of the choice, I'd pick it in a heartbeat.

Almost everything makes me sad or mad or annoyed. Right now is the best example ... I'm sitting here in front of the desktop because someone else is probably using my laptop. How could they be noisy at 11:21 in the evening? where could I possibly find a peaceful and quiet place to write if not in my own home?

Anyway back to the topic. I have become a very grumpy person and I'm not liking it. I used to be so cheerful ... what the fuck happened to me? Now everything just seems like they're there to make me feel bad.

There's one thing though that makes me happy. MILK TEA and Sandwiches (I guess that makes it two :P)

The main source of my joy. I'm in love with the idea that someday my best friends and I will put up our own little Deli where I can make delicious sandwiches and refreshing milk teas. I'm in love with the idea of sitting in that little high chair beside the huge glass window where the name of our deli is written across with fun and colorful fonts. I'll be sitting there with my laptop trying to write anything. Writing, after all, is my first love. Despite realizing now that I may never be that good (because of my profound laziness) I can never totally give up on it. I will always feel the need to write something --anything. Readers don't matter that much to me. ... Even I don't bother reading my own work sometimes. I don't know, I'm just lazy like that

I'm in love with the idea of getting up early in the morning, (well not really with the getting up early in the morning part) walking to my Deli, make my (hopefully by then) famous sandwich (haven't really thought of a cool name yet since I still can't quite figure out the taste I am looking for) I'll make only 100 pieces of those for a day. People who'd want to buy must come early, that's how I'll know they really love it. and I won't allow reservations :D (just to be fair)

Maddie and Nikki will be my business partners. Nikki who'll probably be living in Brisbane by then would fulfill her duty as an awesome business partner by sending us the money we need. Maddie will be in charge of the interior design and furniture and stuff. And I will have my creative freedom over everything that is edible in that little deli of ours. Suggestions are most certainly welcome :D

I'd name sandwiches after a TV series, after an old professor, a friend, a celebrity I admire ... I'll name my sandwiches after anything that comes to my mind and it wouldn't matter even if the name is ridiculous because that sandwich would taste amazing. :D Maybe there would be a Firefly sandwich, a Chuck sandwich ... There would definitely be an Amaya sandwich but it wouldn't be named after the TV series but the girl who started it all. The girl whose grilled cheese sandwich was amazing I had to stalk her on facebook. Sadly, I can't find her :( ... And also, one sandwich would have to be named Berto ... ( just because I’ve always wanted to create a food named Berto.)

I've never been so inspired in my life. For the first time I'm dreaming of something I can honestly believe could happen to me in real life. But ... It kinda scares me. What if this is all in my head again? What if I'll be the only one to like what I make? I've been looking for that perfect sandwich for weeks now, disregarding my morning habit, blowing off rice for breakfast just so I could have the chance to make a sandwich and hopefully find the right taste

I still could not

The milk tea however, since it's all I can bring to school and have people to try, have gathered good feed backs and it made me happy ... and then something got me worried. Aren't milk teas taste all the same. After all, It's just tea with sugar and cream. anyone can make it ... what would make people buy mine? what would make it .... special?

I wonder what would make me give up on this, what would wake me and make me realize that I’m not really cut out for this.

I don’t see it happening anytime soon. I am not happy at present but for the first time I am happy for what could be the future … a realistic future. I won’t be a cook in a cargo spaceship firefly class where the crew consists of pure weirdness. I won’t accidentally be a part of a treasure hunting group, be friends with them, find the missing treasure and live wealthily ever after.

I’d just be a part owner of a little Deli, make sandwiches and awesome teas for a living. Go home after I check on my beautiful green garden after a day of hard work and smile because the rose I almost killed by excessive watering, just had it’s first bud. I'll take my bandana off, stand in front of my bathroom mirror hold another one at the back of my head, marvel at that big black tattoo across my head saying "FREEDOM" and tell myself, "I still can't believe you actually did it."

Dear Universe

I'm tired. I'm tired of blaming you for every misfortune that comes my way. Whatever happens I know in the end I will always be the one to blame. Whatever it is I am feeling, no matter how many people I have to blame, at the end of the day I still couldn't trick myself into thinking that it was totally out my hands. Because if it was I wouldn't be wasting my time lamenting on it. So should I just blame you on the account of me being careless? on the account of me being ... me?

I bet if you could only talk you'll say "what the fuck did I ever do to you? why are you always blaming me?" Well, Batman had the same sentiment ... I used to blame everything on him, put him in charge of everything even if he has nothing to do with it.

Misfortune is not an entirely new concept to me. I've had my fair share of 'epic fail moments' when I was younger. None of it had ever put my spirit down. I was the kind of kid who'll secretly laugh when being punished by the teacher. I was the kind of kid who'll laugh at everything as long as it is funny .. (on second thought ... it doesn't necessarily have to be) ... including herself.

I am weird (just like everybody else), I am awkward, I am a slacker, I am moody (sometimes), ... I am a lot of things. But grumpy, I most certainly am not. When did this happen? The more important question is ... why? ... how?

When did I stop smiling at old people I pass by on the street? When did I start to stop listening? Will it lead me to stop caring as well? No, God I hope not. I worked so hard for that. When did this change happen? ...

Can I go back? Please, oh please Mr. Universe, sir ... can you make me go back? I want to see it as it happen --the change. I want to know what caused it. And if you permit, I would like so much to undo it. I am tired of feeling what I am feeling. I am tired not knowing what it is.

Mr. Universe, sir ... Can't you see? I won't put up a fight. I am forfeiting ... why won't you let me? Have I unknowingly signed up for a death match? ... Oh come on, now ... you know that can't be fair. You are the UNIVERSE ... you can't die.

I just want the old me back. (well, some of it ... you which ones to keep) Is this some sort of a punishment? or ... maybe you're just trying to prove a point? maybe Ted's right ... Maybe if I could only be honest and ask you what exactly it is that I want ... maybe you'd acknowledge the effort and grant me that one wish ... maybe if I could just be totally honest for once and go after the one thing that I really really want and ask you to help me get it ... maybe then you'll start working your magic to make things easier for me ...

So is that it??? ... all I need to do is ask? ... ask for that one thing my heart truly desires?

Well ... then I'll ask for you to take me back in time and give me the chance to undo whatever it is that needs to be undone. ... All I want, right at this exact moment ... is to go back. With all honesty ... right now, all I want is to go back.

Will you grant me that wish? ... or wasn't it honest enough? ... if that's the case ... then maybe I should stop hoping that someday we'll be on the same side, Because that's all the honesty I can give ... anything more than that would be a lie.

How long must I endure your little game? ... how long will it take until you're bored with my rants? I hope soon ... because I'm staring to get tired of hearing myself ranting ... and that's not a good sign ... is it?

Sincerely,

Camille