I'm tired. I'm tired of blaming you for every misfortune that comes my way. Whatever happens I know in the end I will always be the one to blame. Whatever it is I am feeling, no matter how many people I have to blame, at the end of the day I still couldn't trick myself into thinking that it was totally out my hands. Because if it was I wouldn't be wasting my time lamenting on it. So should I just blame you on the account of me being careless? on the account of me being ... me?
I bet if you could only talk you'll say "what the fuck did I ever do to you? why are you always blaming me?" Well, Batman had the same sentiment ... I used to blame everything on him, put him in charge of everything even if he has nothing to do with it.
Misfortune is not an entirely new concept to me. I've had my fair share of 'epic fail moments' when I was younger. None of it had ever put my spirit down. I was the kind of kid who'll secretly laugh when being punished by the teacher. I was the kind of kid who'll laugh at everything as long as it is funny .. (on second thought ... it doesn't necessarily have to be) ... including herself.
I am weird (just like everybody else), I am awkward, I am a slacker, I am moody (sometimes), ... I am a lot of things. But grumpy, I most certainly am not. When did this happen? The more important question is ... why? ... how?
When did I stop smiling at old people I pass by on the street? When did I start to stop listening? Will it lead me to stop caring as well? No, God I hope not. I worked so hard for that. When did this change happen? ...
Can I go back? Please, oh please Mr. Universe, sir ... can you make me go back? I want to see it as it happen --the change. I want to know what caused it. And if you permit, I would like so much to undo it. I am tired of feeling what I am feeling. I am tired not knowing what it is.
Mr. Universe, sir ... Can't you see? I won't put up a fight. I am forfeiting ... why won't you let me? Have I unknowingly signed up for a death match? ... Oh come on, now ... you know that can't be fair. You are the UNIVERSE ... you can't die.
I just want the old me back. (well, some of it ... you which ones to keep) Is this some sort of a punishment? or ... maybe you're just trying to prove a point? maybe Ted's right ... Maybe if I could only be honest and ask you what exactly it is that I want ... maybe you'd acknowledge the effort and grant me that one wish ... maybe if I could just be totally honest for once and go after the one thing that I really really want and ask you to help me get it ... maybe then you'll start working your magic to make things easier for me ...
So is that it??? ... all I need to do is ask? ... ask for that one thing my heart truly desires?
Well ... then I'll ask for you to take me back in time and give me the chance to undo whatever it is that needs to be undone. ... All I want, right at this exact moment ... is to go back. With all honesty ... right now, all I want is to go back.
Will you grant me that wish? ... or wasn't it honest enough? ... if that's the case ... then maybe I should stop hoping that someday we'll be on the same side, Because that's all the honesty I can give ... anything more than that would be a lie.
How long must I endure your little game? ... how long will it take until you're bored with my rants? I hope soon ... because I'm staring to get tired of hearing myself ranting ... and that's not a good sign ... is it?
Sincerely,
Camille
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