Coffee, Tea ... or ... Berto?

My life has been all about rants and mood swings and bad vibes for the past couple of weeks. I hate being at home more than ever. I don't really enjoy being at school. I don't want to be anywhere. If disappearing could be part of the choice, I'd pick it in a heartbeat.

Almost everything makes me sad or mad or annoyed. Right now is the best example ... I'm sitting here in front of the desktop because someone else is probably using my laptop. How could they be noisy at 11:21 in the evening? where could I possibly find a peaceful and quiet place to write if not in my own home?

Anyway back to the topic. I have become a very grumpy person and I'm not liking it. I used to be so cheerful ... what the fuck happened to me? Now everything just seems like they're there to make me feel bad.

There's one thing though that makes me happy. MILK TEA and Sandwiches (I guess that makes it two :P)

The main source of my joy. I'm in love with the idea that someday my best friends and I will put up our own little Deli where I can make delicious sandwiches and refreshing milk teas. I'm in love with the idea of sitting in that little high chair beside the huge glass window where the name of our deli is written across with fun and colorful fonts. I'll be sitting there with my laptop trying to write anything. Writing, after all, is my first love. Despite realizing now that I may never be that good (because of my profound laziness) I can never totally give up on it. I will always feel the need to write something --anything. Readers don't matter that much to me. ... Even I don't bother reading my own work sometimes. I don't know, I'm just lazy like that

I'm in love with the idea of getting up early in the morning, (well not really with the getting up early in the morning part) walking to my Deli, make my (hopefully by then) famous sandwich (haven't really thought of a cool name yet since I still can't quite figure out the taste I am looking for) I'll make only 100 pieces of those for a day. People who'd want to buy must come early, that's how I'll know they really love it. and I won't allow reservations :D (just to be fair)

Maddie and Nikki will be my business partners. Nikki who'll probably be living in Brisbane by then would fulfill her duty as an awesome business partner by sending us the money we need. Maddie will be in charge of the interior design and furniture and stuff. And I will have my creative freedom over everything that is edible in that little deli of ours. Suggestions are most certainly welcome :D

I'd name sandwiches after a TV series, after an old professor, a friend, a celebrity I admire ... I'll name my sandwiches after anything that comes to my mind and it wouldn't matter even if the name is ridiculous because that sandwich would taste amazing. :D Maybe there would be a Firefly sandwich, a Chuck sandwich ... There would definitely be an Amaya sandwich but it wouldn't be named after the TV series but the girl who started it all. The girl whose grilled cheese sandwich was amazing I had to stalk her on facebook. Sadly, I can't find her :( ... And also, one sandwich would have to be named Berto ... ( just because I’ve always wanted to create a food named Berto.)

I've never been so inspired in my life. For the first time I'm dreaming of something I can honestly believe could happen to me in real life. But ... It kinda scares me. What if this is all in my head again? What if I'll be the only one to like what I make? I've been looking for that perfect sandwich for weeks now, disregarding my morning habit, blowing off rice for breakfast just so I could have the chance to make a sandwich and hopefully find the right taste

I still could not

The milk tea however, since it's all I can bring to school and have people to try, have gathered good feed backs and it made me happy ... and then something got me worried. Aren't milk teas taste all the same. After all, It's just tea with sugar and cream. anyone can make it ... what would make people buy mine? what would make it .... special?

I wonder what would make me give up on this, what would wake me and make me realize that I’m not really cut out for this.

I don’t see it happening anytime soon. I am not happy at present but for the first time I am happy for what could be the future … a realistic future. I won’t be a cook in a cargo spaceship firefly class where the crew consists of pure weirdness. I won’t accidentally be a part of a treasure hunting group, be friends with them, find the missing treasure and live wealthily ever after.

I’d just be a part owner of a little Deli, make sandwiches and awesome teas for a living. Go home after I check on my beautiful green garden after a day of hard work and smile because the rose I almost killed by excessive watering, just had it’s first bud. I'll take my bandana off, stand in front of my bathroom mirror hold another one at the back of my head, marvel at that big black tattoo across my head saying "FREEDOM" and tell myself, "I still can't believe you actually did it."