*sigh ... I didn't even notice that it's been 365 days since I bumped my head and realized how pathetic I was. I remember staring at my computer for hours and hours, my hands were shaking, my heart was beating so fast. Crazy. I was frying my brain trying to come up with a more creative way of saying happy birthday ... hahaha :D stupid me.
For five long years I patiently wait for three special occasions each year: your birthday, Christmas, and new year. Every year I wait just so I can initiate a conversation and not feel like i'm such a (can't think of an appropriate word) despite knowing that it will end in 5 minutes. ...
I remember almost memorizing your long (and totally unnecessary) explanation on why I shouldn't greet you, why you're not celebrating your birthday anymore ... haha, BS :D
I was like "what the fuck are you talking about? ... all I want is a 'thank you' or a ' :) ' ... or maybe if you're feeling generous of your time ... a little 'how have you been' would be nice.
It took me five long years to get tired of being dismissed like that. ...
now here I am ... getting bitched around by my subconscious ... luring me back into that viscous cycle of running to my manufactured problems when I can't face what I should be facing.
Why ms. Subconscious, why? ... didn't we agree that we are tired of this? that we are done with this? ... you should remember that ... because I do ... as clear as [insert anything 'clear' that you can think of here] ... Us agreeing is such a rare incident ... a moment as special as that should never be forgotten.
we got tired of the bullshit and we decided to move on ... sure, he got to us both again in November but it's not about liking him or being infatuated or something with him anymore ... It's about getting disappointed at someone we used to look up to. It's realizing that the person whom we think was so deep didn't (apparently) consider us even as a friend for the shallowest reason known to man --appearance.
of course that assumption could be wrong ... but ... do you really still care about that? ... please say no.
It's just his fucking birthday ... no big deal.
This is just a left over residue of our favorite hang up ...
We can't keep on coming back to it ...
that's just pathetic ....
let's not lose our self respect over this ... will you help me do that?
people say that what the subconscious is saying is what you really want.
I don't care ...
because if that's the case ... if it is really up to you ms. Subconscious...
then we'd be a horrible person ... 50x worse than what we are now.
you know that ... and you agree.
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