Dear Universe,

I feel betrayed. :( If this is your way of teaching me, I think I get it. ... So ... don't do unto others, huh? I am so disappointed. ... Is this how I make people feel when I do what I do --when I lie? :/ ... I didn't realize it would feel like this. It took me so long to open up, to allow myself to get close to them, to trust them ... I feel betrayed.

Time and again I tell people how important secrets are to me. I've done things, unintentionally hurt people (i'm not proud of it) trying to keep some of them. I'm not claiming to be like some sort of a safe or vault for secrets. but ... I don't easily spill ... When someone tells me to keep a secret, I'd keep it no matter what ... well .... At least I used to. ... now, I'm not sure ... I feel like it's just a matter of loyalty. and I think I made it clear where mine lies.

I just had a 'fight?' (if you can call it that) with my friend because despite all the reminders he gave me about how he hates being lied to. How important honesty is to him ... Still, I lied. ...now this :( ... serves me right ... I guess. :/

Mr. Universe sir, am I just over reacting? Am I making this into something that it's not? The problem is, I can't even remember uttering those words. For the past four years I've had awful birthdays. But never have I thought that it's their fault. I've never had hard feelings for not having a celebration. I am aware of how selfish I can be. But I was never selfish about this ... I understood, we didn't have money. I understood that. I told them so. I assured them it's okay. because it is. I never blame them. You know that ... because it was you who always take the blame. Why did she tell them that?

What else did she say? All those drunken nights ... How many times have I blacked out? Did I say it then? ... I was honest about my feelings ... I told them things I never thought I'd have the courage or the trust to tell them. They are my family. I thought I should be able to trust them. Apparently I can't. I feel awful for not remembering what I said ... but whatever it was ... I'm sure it was taken out of context. ... I'm sure of it. It was never an issue to me. ... I don't want to look petty in my aunts' eyes. I don't want this to be turned into a sick joke. I don't want to celebrate my birthday hearing "o ayan ah, pinaghandaan ka namin, baka naman magtampo ka pa nyan!" ... fuck, if that would happen, that'd mark the 5th consecutive year of my awful birthdays.

I don't want this to become an issue of money, ... sure I complain about my allowance ... but it's been 5 years already, don't I deserve even just a little raise? I can still manage to get by with P15o/ day ... but I'm saving for something ... with the bus fare hike and all ... the only way for me to save with 15o is to not eat :/ ... I can't do that. ... that's all the problem I have (moneywise) ... I don't ask for anything more than what I need. ... well ... except when I really want to buy something ... and that's a very rare occasion. ... they are the ones who keep on insisting that we should ask. ... Seldom would I ask for their help because I know I'm not always around. And I don't want them to feel that I'm only there when I need something. I wanted to establish a relationship with them ... but ... it's just so hard.

I guess this is how it is when you grew up on the outside. I was never really close to my family. I had a lot of friends whom I care about so much. But ... looking back there are only few who really got through to me. and I love them. ... I want to have that with my family ... I feel ashamed for not having the 'family first' value my sister has. I have a lot of issues with our family ... but she have more than I do. Still, she'll never put anything above it. I, on the other hand, would rather be with my friends, stay late at school looking at the ceiling than go home and be with them. I tried before ... and I am trying now.

Mr. Universe, sir ... why does it seem so hard? It's just me ... isn't it? :/ The problem is with me :(