USB

imagine your insecurity box in the hand of god-knows-who

damn it. USBs are as personal as a fucking diary! ...

ok ok my bad. i'm just leaving it pretty much anywhere hence, when a dofous[i'm just upset that's why i'm referring to the person as dofous .. no offense. BITCH]needed one he thought he can use it ...


BUT don't they just freaking get it???
it is mine, mine freaking mine! ... it's not supposed to be lent to anyone to save fucking pictures in it ...

they're not even my pictures for pete's sake ...

aaaarrrrrrggggghhhh!!!!

i so fucking hate this, i've spent the last 3 days trying to come with a sensible blog post and this where i landed ... WHINING!

i know this doesn't sound like it's that big of a deal. you may even think that i'm just over reacting.

but ... it's my usb ... i write stuffs in it.

i have files that i know i should have deleted a long time ago but I just didn't have the heart to do.

i've been planning to delete some of it ... but i kept on planning and planning and never really had the guts to act on those plans ...

yeah i may have deleted some of it already, but ...

but ...

i dont know ... knowing how my tongue can be sharp at times i just chose to write my angst down instead of bursting out like a crazy person and smashing someone's face with a chair . i've written a fucking load of hateful things in it ... and if by chance someone accidentally read anyone of my evil writings i'd be turned into a wicked witch who needed to be burned alive.

you know how you used to be so scared of expressing yourself, you just choose to keep it all in. but then it's become too much for you to handle ... you figured a diary would do ... so you write, ... oh you felt so good after the long oppression ... it's good, it's fucking awesome ... until your pesky cousins[whose life's mission is to humiliate you every way possible] decided to read it out loud. even when you begged them to stop they wouldn't ... the just wanna see those tears running like pagsanjan falls.

but then somehow you felt relief, at least now they know ... maybe they will think what you've written over. ponder on it, then maybe after they're done laughing at you they will be nicer. but you're wrong. after that ... your damn feelings are turned into the joke of the century ... not minding if you feel insulted as long as it's funny to them .... you know that feeling too right? ... or was it just me? ... right?

ok ok ... it's just me. [and for the record i'm not embittered by what had happened in the past ... i just got carried away with the whole falsh back thing]


it's just that ... my stories are really personal for me ...
they're atories about my happy and sometimes pathetic life ...
i put my feelings in it.
happiness, frustrations, fears, fantasies ... all of it.

that usb has a portion of my messed up mind in it. and i'm just not comfortable with the idea that i don't know where it is. (well i do know who has it ... i just don know where it is exactly)

i really feel bad about it.

i just lost dapo-dapo out of my carelessness ... and now my USB is out there ... i've never been this paranoid about the content of my usb... i know no one would take interest ... but still,

damn it ... why am i so scared of my own damned writing? ...

the problem is ... i have on my mind everything i wanted to say but still cant say it.

blown away.

The sky was gray that day.

The wind blew pitilessly through the bending trees.

“c’mon! Get inside!” I yelled at him; from inside the building.

He was just sitting still. What’s with that bench? I thought.

Why the hell can’t he leave that damn bench?

“Come on! It’s not safe out there!!” I called out to him once more.

I am worried.

He still wasn’t moving.

Not moving at all. Not even an inch.

My heart started to throb as the wind blew harsher and harsher by the minute.

I saw books, shoes, bags … random things flying around him,

As he calmly dodge them. I can’t see a trace of fear in his eyes.

“Please … come inside.” I pleaded as I tried to walk towards him despite the wind blowing harshly against me.

I know I’m doing the stupidest thing. But I don’t give a damn.

Step by step … my heart is pounding harder than the last. The wind is pushing me away from him. As I come one step closer to him, the wind pushes me ten steps back.

I finally grasped a pole to hold on to. I reached out my hand to him and asked him for the last time to come inside. “Please” I said as tears form in the corner of my eyes

“It’s not safe out here.” He said.

“I know.” I responded then I reached out my hand to him. But he just looked at me and smiled. …

Then the wind blew him away … I saw him fly over my head, while I had myself strapped safely to that pole.

I saw him drop thirty feet from the sky.

The world around me stopped. I swear to God my heart stopped beating for a second there.

Everything has lost its color.

Everything has lost its sound.

All I can see was his lifeless body, probably ten yards away from me.

I couldn’t do anything but cry …

Had I not have second thoughts; I should’ve probably get to him on time.

He’s gone now.

That’s all I can think about.

I felt my heart broke into a million pieces.

What do I do now? I thought.

Then my eyes answered it for me.

Tears gushed down like rain. There’s no way I could stop them from falling.

It just seemed so impossible …

I thought of all the time I have wasted.

I should’ve said everything that I wanted to say.

Now I can’t do that anymore.

If only I could turn back time,

I’ll tell him everything that I needed for him to know.

But I can’t do that now … can I?

My phone rang … I didn’t feel like answering it.

I am in too much pain to deal with anything at that time.

…

Strange.

…

It was his name that registered on my phone. …

Still hopeful, or should I say naïve …

I reached out for my phone to answer it, hoping that everything I saw weren’t true.

I placed my thumb on the green button … took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

Hoping to hear his voice, I pressed it.

“hello.” I said; my voice cracking.

I slowly opened my eyes … and found myself lying on my bed.

My pillow is soaked with tears; my eyes were puffy and hurting.

Damn it was just a dream. I thought to myself.

I felt the soothing embrace of relief throughout my whole system.

The first thing that crossed my mind was ‘second chance’

Should I take this as some sort of a sign?

I thought about it again ….but …. Nah! It doesn’t work like that.

... 5 months a little too early ...

we all know that DEATH is inevitable ...
pero pag dumadating na we all act na parang napaka imposible na wala na ung taong nawala.

this is a story that i'll never get tired of listening to:
(that's not exactly how it is though, ... this is just how i remember it)

a father and his son who is in third grade.


son: ama will you be there on my grade school graduation?

that would be 3 years from now, the father thought

father: sure, son

son: will be be there on my high school graduation?

another 4 years ... the father thought.

father: sure son.

son: will you be there on my college graduation?

that would be another 4 years the father thought ... 11 yrs from now ...

father: i'm not sure son.

son: you don't love me.

the father was surprised with what his son have said ... he was speechless ...

son: that would be the most important day of my life and you're not sure if you'll come ... you don't love me.



... 3 years ago the doctors said that the father was dying ...

.... the father died 5 months before his son's college graduation ...

... the son will graduate on march 2010



... RS ... konti na lang po ... sayang nmn. ... pero cguro nmn na feel na ng anak nyo kung gano nyo xa kamahal ...

walk me home

she never felt safe after that incident.

never in her life had she imagined that anything bad would happen to her.
as long as she has her protector she knew that no one's gonna bring her harm.

every night she walk in the middle of their dark streets never having to worry for her safety because she knew that someone's watching over her.

like her santa

the man needs to change his name every three years.
change his face.
change his life.
change his identity.

everything. ...

every three years he has to start a whole new life all over again.
every three years he had to drop everything he's been building up.

he cant hold on to anything because apparently, nothing's worth holding on to.

he must not be noticed.
he must not be visible.

as far as everyone is concern he doesn't exist.
he has no records, no shadow, no everything.

no one should ever know about him ...

but she did. ...

she doesn't know what to believe anymore ...

he's like her santa.

imaginary

why does IT have to be imaginary ...

as far as records are concerned none of it ever existed.
no one knew about it.

they say memory is malleable.

so ... could it be?

was it all her imagination?

held up

I AM NO SUPERMAN.


i believe you now.
all my life i made myself believe that i'm tough.
as long as i'm here no one could ever touch my friends.
i thought i'm some kind of a super hero.

i never mind going home late just to to make sure all my friends were safe at home.
never had i imagined that the word "victim" would apply to me.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

well, now ... my super hero fantasies are definitely over!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

so here's what happened in inverted pyramid.

two unidentified men held up a college student on a dark street corner in Lagro subdivision, Wednesday night.

lola, not her real name, was on her way home when the men in a motorcycle asked her for directions. one of them approached her held her by the shoulders declared that it was a hold up and stick a dagger on the side of her stomach and took away her bag.

a friend of her brother saw her sitting and shivering in front of a variety store then offered to walk her home. they already filed a blotter and the police are now looking for the suspects.

the hold uppers didn't get anything with monetary value though, just notebooks, books, ID's and loose changes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


nka pyramid nga ba????

from now on ... yeah yeah, i'll do what you've always asked me to do ... i'll try to always bring something sharp with me. (guess sharp stares aren't enough)

...

i'll wait for 3 days max. ... i want their bodies floating on the creek ... or better yet, i want them mutilated and their bodies left on some under or overpass with a sign on them saying "i'm a hold upper and i deserve this". i want their motorcycle burnt.

... tsk, as if it would happen ... can i get arrested for this? this is just a part of an angry girl's wishful thinking ... evil? it could be but this is all i can do to ease my frustration ... to anyone (if there is) reading this post right now ... about the mutilating and putting a sign thing ... it's not intended for a particular person ok. i dont i know anyone who could possibly do it.

even if i do ... i wouldn't ask for such a thing.

i don't think anyone can prove anything from this post anyway ... so my friend relax ... i know GOD will be upset about this ... but ... i'm just so mad at them .... i hope they find their match! fucking bastards!!!

need a hand?

what can i do to make it count?
i don't wanna sit around and watch TV the entire week.

people need as much hand as possible and mine aren't doing anything important.
i figured i could help. ...

i asked my sister if we could volunteer and her immediate answer is 'papa won't let us'.
that's just **** ... i mean why not? ...

isn't that how they [mama & papa] met? they were doing the same thing back in their college days. did our lolos and lolas stopped them from doing what they think was right?
maybe yes, maybe no either way they still went on and do their civic duty. ... well maybe they're just worried for our safety and all that. but our lolo and lola probably felt the same thing and yet allowed them to be a part of something big.

they were always telling us stories how exciting and fulfilling it was to help others in times like this. ... so why cant i do the same thing? ... it's devastating, what happened to us Filipinos.

i'm safe, my family is safe, my friends are safe ... i just want to show how grateful i am for that.
why cant i? ... why am i such a dork for whining like this ... why do i need permission to do something any person (who cares) would do. ...

my words are useless ... deciding to help will just be a part of my wishful thinking until i make the first step out of that gate...

sadly i dont have the guts to do it.

i feel useless.

mom please stop crying

i planned to write about the most unforgettable 24 hrs of my college life.

i thought we've been through a whole lot! i thought we've been through hell. that bitter-sweet moment i spent with my friends is by far the most uncomfortable thing i'd have to deal with.

from the time we got stuck in school to the ever so tiring journey back home.

i thought i was some kind of a super human to have endured all that ...

but then, i saw the news.

hundreds of people lost their home, their loved ones and their lives.

while we were at school, sharing ghost stories, making up one about how a serial killer would show up and kill us all, some people were struggling for their lives. looking for their children. some were busy saving others. some busy saving themselves.

we were together joking around, singing a few Christmas songs. we have electricity. we slept in an air conditioned room. we have food, water ... we even had the luxury of brushing our teeth before going to our improvised bed.

we decided to stay inside that creepy old establishment (which i now call my 2nd home) and let the rain pass. while others chose to go through the wrath of mother nature to be with their loved ones. some were separated from their families, leaving them worried for their loved ones lives as well as for their own.

most of my friends walked through flood waters up to their chests. some of them endured 6 hour trips under heavy rains. some were left no choice but to stay inside their cars.

i slept in an air conditioned room, may back was laid flat on soft squishy foam, i was with my friends, my family were safe at home ...

i had to endure all that ... i thought i was super cool.

i wasn't.

it's not that i'm complaining that people had been through a tougher time. i appreciate the fact that i'm luckier than them.

this is just positive thinking kicking in.

i had a better day. i'm grateful for that.

i cant help but to feel sorry though ...

it's just sad that our mother needs to cry so hard to get our attention.

can't we just see it. ... this is our mother's wake up call!

almost over.

almost over. almost over.

fingers are crossed
eyes are closed.

fervently praying

heavily breathing.


along with message that has been sent

she somehow wish that rules could be bent.


it's almost over. she wish it's over.



waiting for that one last call ...

looking forward to that final conversation ...


will it be the conclusion or a beginning of a new revolution.


she wish it's over. it's almost over.

it was a sunday afternoon

it was a Tuesday ... it could have been any other day, but it was a Tuesday ...

isn't it what you always wanted? yes. but ... but what? ... i cant. i won't force you to do anything you're uncomfortable with ... all I'm asking is that you stay beside me. that's the point. i cant stay beside you. why? you scare me. why? because ... you're you. do you want me change that? no. what do you want me to do then? stay as far away as you can. you know i can't do that. why not? ... you've already done that before, haven't you?

.........

it was a Thursday night ... it could have been any other night, but it was a Thursday night.

tears went rolling down her face. every drop of it felt like sharp dagger poking right through IT's heart. nobody thought IT had one until that day ... that one random Thursday.

It has been a long and exhausting chase. IT was determined to catch her. IT has done so much just to get what IT wants. ... but then, ... she cried.

her tears tore IT apart. ... IT decided to let her go.

.........

you can take me if you want. my mind isn't here anymore. GO. ...??? i said, you can go now. why? because i said so. i get it ... you'll let me run, then shoot at the back.

.........

her words brought IT more pain.

.........

believe it or not. ... i just want what's best for you. really? ... what's best for me? to be with you? ... i don't think so. i know. that's why I'm letting you go. i don't trust you. i don't trust me either. go now before i change my mind. .......

.........

she couldn't believe IT is setting her free. IT is in fact evil in general but she knows IT is not pure evil. she knows, she feels that IT cares for her. ... and IT only wants what's best for her ... and for that, she's thankful ... but the kind evil IT is ... she just couldn't stand. in any other circumstance, she would love to stay ... but it is what it is ...

.........

i'll find you again. you know that, dont you? goodbye. do you really not care about me ... at all? NO.

.........

she was lying.

.........

will you promise me something then? what? don't ever see me again. you're kidding. no. i mean it. ... no mater what you hear. don't ever see me again. I won't. no matter what. no matter what. not even if you die.

.........

it was a Sunday afternoon ... it could have been any other afternoon, but it was a Sunday afternoon.

she's forgotten about the promise. what was she thinking ... she doesn't know anymore. she received a message ... i could have been any other message but it was THAT message ...

.........

why? you're back. i thought we had a deal. I'm happy now. ... well i was ... before today. i wasn't ... but i am now. why? because you're back. i don't want to be back. but you are. please ... just let me go. you promised you'll never see me again. but you here you are.

.........

she should have kept her promise. but she didn't. she never should've come back. but she did.

.........

it was a tuesday ... it could have been any other day, but it was a Tuesday ...

i did my part ... i let you go. YOU came back. you said you never will ... no matter what. not even if i die. i know. why did you come back? i don't know. you don't? ... come on. ... really, why? because ... i ...you what? ... i thought i needed to see you. and now you're here ... and you're not going anywhere ... please ... just. ... you're here because you care. i .... i do, but. ...

isn't it what you always wanted? yes. but ... but what? ... i cant. i won't force you to do anything you're uncomfortable with ... all I'm asking is that you stay beside me. that's the point. i cant stay beside you. why? you scare me. why? because ... you're you. do you want me change that? no. what do you want me to do then? stay as far away as you can. you know i can't do that. why not? ... you've already done that before, haven't you?

right ... that's why i asked you to stay away ... but you didn't. ... i thought you would know better. ... that heart of yours ... isn't hard enough ... and that my friend ... is your mistake. ... you fell for my trap once again.

you brought it upon yourself.

.........

she brought it upon herself ... she's weak ... and now she has to pay for that weakness

partly her fault

(photo from: http://thanasis..com/hades.htm)

Persephone was the beautiful daughter of Mother Nature.
Persephone was walking one day in the beautiful gardens which her Mother created.
Hades, the God of the Underworld came above ground and saw her.
He immediately fell in love with her.

He kidnapped her and brought her down to the Underworld.
Her Mother found out and tried to get her back, but Persephone soon fell in love with Hades.
Hades agreed with Mother Nature that Persephone could live above ground with her Mother for six months and for the other six months live in the Underworld with him.

Everyone agreed.

Thus when Persephone is in the Underworld, her Mother is very upset and lonely and misses her daughter terribly.
When Persephone comes back for six months, her Mother is overjoyed and everything blooms and is warm and beautiful again.

(http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080805095538AAb5Vl5)

I've read and heard a lot of different version of this story.
some say she really fell in love with him. some say she just had no choice.

i think ... people are just making a big fuss over their story because Hades is from the underworld ...think about it ..what if he's not? maybe it would be just another pretty story .. wouldn't it?

some pity Persephone because she was an 'innocent' little girl lured by the prince of the underworld. do they really think it went that way?

see, Persephone should've known better. Hades being the "prince of darkness" and all, she must've known that there's a catch. she must've known anything he'll offer her will come with a price.

did people just assume that she was lured,tricked,deceived because ...just because .... nah! ... never mind. ...

what if she liked it at first too? ... maybe she's gone tired of running on vast fields. maybe she was saturated with perfection ... maybe she thought she wanted more ... maybe she thought she needed a little excitement. ...

so she accepted his offer .. to be with him ... in his dark fortress. maybe she thought she could handle it. ... and later on realized that she couldn't.

burning brigdes.

I know exactly how you feel
you were this close to closing deals
When everything fell from out your hands
you were forced to decide on other plans now
You figured it best to just ignore it
otherwise you're only living for it
and if anyone ever wondered why you did it
you'd swear they never knew you sold your soul to the
burning, burning, burning, burning bridges

You know exactly what I want so
I don't have to be so damn upfront
No matter the moment we decide to make our minds up
I know a man who may need a new assignment
to hand in his heart and take his last vacation
attempting to spoil imagination
If anyone ever wonders where he went
I wouldn't say that he spent his time driving over
burning, burning, burning bridges

Burning, burning which is
nothing more than a longing for being uninvolved
uninvolved
uninvolved
uninvolved ...

Oh, desire can cause heart attacks
Oh, desire can cause heart attacks
Oh, desire can cause heart attacks
Oh, desire, it won't bring you back

a taste of that seed

IT was and still is her worst nightmare.

if she only had known better back then ...

..........

she never should've get involved with IT. she should've ran as far away as she could when she still has the chance.

but now she's trapped. she pushed her luck way to far. now this is the price she has to pay.

............

she was young curious and rebellious. she thought she could survive IT's world.
how could she say no, when everthing IT offers are the things she's been longing to have.

............

she only had a taste, just a teeny bit of that seed ... and now she's doomed to stay in the darkness forever.

............

she wanted to have something to hold on to, something to call her own. but if it was IT ...

....

She'll choose to be alone.

message sent. message recieved.

she promised herself that she'll forget what happened.
she promised herself that she'll never ever comeback.

if not for that message IT sent ... she would have go on with her life as if IT never existed.
if not for the message she received ... she'd never come running back and fall for a stupid trap.

she tried so hard to get away from IT.
but no matter where she hides IT keeps on finding her.

....

she grew tired from running, from hiding. it felt like an endless and pointless chase.
her feet are hurting, eyes are swelling and her heart is pounding.
she can feel that IT's catching up on her. but she couldn't run any faster.

she can already feel her feet giving up on her.
cold tears rolled down her face, she took a deep breath and finally she stopped running.

her heart began to pound even harder as if it would explode from inside her chest.
IT is getting nearer and nearer ... she just stood there as her body froze.

she felt IT's huge cold hands on her shoulders and IT's warm breath at the back of her neck.
she tried to fight back but IT is just too strong for her. the more she fought back the tighter IT's grip. there's no point in resisting anymore, she knows very well that there's no way she could escape.

she thought that was the end of her.

IT wrapped IT's arms around her from behind, IT owns her now.
she's scared, so damn sacred. her body was shivering.

IT pressed IT's lips against her ears and gave her a little squeeze.
it was strange ... she felt a sudden gush of relief all over her body.

she closed her eyes and finally let go. she knew it was the end, she embraced her fate.
she felt It's warm breath on her ear. ... "why aren't you running anymore?" IT asked her.

"what's the point? I'm tired. so tired. you can take me if you want, my mind isn't here anymore." she answered. then she smiled at IT.
slowly IT loosen IT's arms around her ...

"I'll find you again, you know that don't you?" IT said ... then released her.

........

she found a new place, a new community, new family.
IT took her quite a long time to adapt to her new home.
it took her quite some time to get used to living a normal life.

no running
no hiding
no fighting

she was happy ...
she thought IT left her alone ... she thought IT would never come after her again.


....

but then ....

a message was sent.

and that message she received.

don't hide ... i'm not looking for you.

there's no need to stay invisible ...

don't make it hard on yourself, just in case you haven't noticed ... I'm over it.

now, I'm sorry if i ever made you feel uncomfortable in anyway, i didn't mean for any of that to happen.
but wasn't it you who told me that if i ever wanted something ... i should pursue it and do everything to get it?

though i still don't get why you're giving me the cold shoulders, i figured it would be better if i just let it go.

but before i totally put all of these behind me ... i just want to say (hopefully for the last time) that ... I'm not mad it's your life you can ignore whoever you feel like ignoring. ... i admit WAS upset about it. but I'm not mad.

it's just that ... you used to be one of my nicest friends ... well, at least for me i thought we were friends ... I've always seen you as a good person, i still think you are ... and i feel bad for loosing that.

... if you don't want to talk to me anymore ... just say it. ...

healed!

I've been depressed this month ... ironic because this was suppose to be my "month" or at least I'd like to think so. i haven't written any articles yet. i lost all directions ... and ummm ... i kinda felt a little something ... infatuation i guess ... anyway, it just added up on my bad feelings which is already piling up.

before this wicked month i was trying to find a new light ... just trying to see the brighter side of everything. POSITIVITY ... i was trying to stay on it. a friend of mine said that it's impossible for me to stay positive without letting any negativity outta my system.

he was right i should have kept it balanced. i thought i was doing just good ... but i wasn't. i didn't realize that I'm no longer being positive, i was being naive.

... things happened so fast i lost all directions. i became a bitter bitch. my bitterness dragged my friends down too. i'm not happy about it, thus, it has added yet another burden in my already deteriorating mind.

it took me a lot of time to pull myself together. i thought i would never recover from my bitterness. i hated myself for it. i thought making myself believe in the power of POSITIVITY is a huge mistake.

it took one Jason Mraz's song to snap me back to reality ... reality that the world could be beautiful only if we choose to see how beautiful it is.

only if we choose to let go of the negativity inside, having said that, i didn't mean you have to keep it all locked up inside of you and let i rot in there and be forgotten. let it go. i mean it when i said you HAVE to let it go.

if you become a victim of circumstances ... that doesn't give you any right to lash out on other people nor to drag them down with you. there's a lot of way to release the tension that's building up inside ... as for me. ... i sing.

i know i don't have the nicest voice ... but that doesn't matter. what matters is that when i try to share positivity i do it in a way i enjoy.

whenever your feeling negative try to sing this song ... it helps for me. just try it ... it wont kill you if you do.

Try Try Try - Jason Mraz

Oh baby we can fight like dogs we can fight like cats
A dirty laundry needs a laundry man
Maybe the king and the queen should lay off the caffeine
Baby breathe before you react

Sometimes we do forget to behave
And we regret what we say
Cause words are too weapons
If we don't choose'em carefully
Ladies and gentlemen this is instrumental
If life's to be a bed of roses

I know i gave you everything you like
Because you still give me butterflies

If we just try try try
Just to be ni-ni-nice
Then the world would be a better place for you and I
If we just live our lives
Putting our differences aside
Oh that would be so beautiful to me

Are we just dangling in the middle of a galaxy
Well i'm stoked on gravity
To be stuck with you like flowers on the dew drops
Now let it in my direction
My direction is up when everybody's down
Cause i don't mind being anybody's clown
I love a little lift cause i'm an optimistic
In an altruistic way

Cause basically this place is needing instruments of harmony
Spreading my philosophy of love and inspiration
Oh these words I speak I commit to like a crime
With a rhythm i deliver i'm giving them a picture
Of the reasons why

We should just try try try
Just to be ni-ni-nice
So the world could be a better place for you and I
If we just live our lives
Putting our differences aside
Oh that would be so beautiful to me

Well it wouldn't cost a penny but could save so many lonely lives
From teary eyes
If we just try try try
To open up a can of understanding open up your heart
I'm just planting seeds
Cause i believe

We could just try try try
Just to be ni-ni-nice
So the world would be a better place for you and I
If we just live our lives
Putting our differences aside
Oh that would be so beautiful to me

If we could try, just to be nice
That could be so beautiful to me
I believe,
Oh that could be so beautiful to me

healed!

I've been depressed this month ... ironic because this was suppose to be my "month" or at least I'd like to think so. i haven't written any articles yet. i lost all directions ... and ummm ... i kinda felt a little something ... infatuation i guess ... anyway, it just added up on my bad feelings which is already piling up.

before this wicked month i was trying to find a new light ... just trying to see the brighter side of everything. POSITIVITY ... i was trying to stay on it. a friend of mine said that it's impossible for me to stay positive without letting any negativity outta my system.

he was right i should have kept it balanced. i thought i was doing just good ... but i wasn't. i didn't realize that i'm no longer being positive, i was being naive.

it's nice to reconnect

it's nice to see someone familiar ... someone to remind you of who you were.


...

i remember the time when i was always there to back you up. you were always in trouble, you always feel bad, and i thought to myself ... should i hate you for dragging me into this whole mess?

maybe i should ... maybe if i would people would understand why. ...

i admit, sometimes when i think and i think hard, i wonder why'd you ever become my friend?
some say that our friendship is like a one way street ... and for some stupid reason i let it sink in my head.

but when i see you smile and laugh it makes it worth all the the trouble we've gone through because you are my friend. ... and i'll never get tired of it.

i thought as long as you need me i will be there ... i almost forgot that sometimes i need me to.
i forgot that sometimes i need you too ... i was so blinded by the idea of being some sor of your protector ... i forgot what being friends really meant ... it's doing things WITH them and not FOR them. ... i began to think that you're just there when you need me but you never returned the favor ... what i didn't understand back then is that i tried to act so cool as if i didn't need a hand. i mistook what you're trying to do as your way of abandoning me ...

you were trying to let me keep my strong facade in front of you. ... all those times you knew that i wanted to protect you ... and you allowed me to do just that ... all those times you tried to protect my ego by letting me protect you ... and i appreciate that.

... now seeing you after two long years ... it proves to me how strong our friendship was. ... i thought you were getting tired of me. getting tired of a friend trying to act so cool.


it's really nice seeing you after all those years ...

thanks for reminding me about the old days for reminding me how awful yet cool i was before ... and thanks for keeping me now as me ...

clutter is me.

I honestly don’t know where to start …

Remember when I said I am passive … well, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of passing on everything, and get bugged by the what-ifs that come along with it.

I’m tired of playing what-could’ve-happened-if-I-did-this in my head.

For once I’d like to speak my mind. I want to let it out … so maybe, just maybe … the weight of it will be lifted upon my shoulders. Maybe … I won’t get tired of being me anymore. Maybe I’ll like myself a little better.

I’m a coward … and I hate being that way.


living a life full of clutter is so damn draining. ... but clutter is me. i want to be surounded by things, by people ... they make me happy. some may not be as significant as the other ... but i still like to be with them anyway.
i love everything that makes me happy ... and i want to return the favor as much as i could.

i've never experienced really liking something to the point of taking a risk. when the things i want asked me to step out of my comfort zone ... i'll pass on them, thinking i's better not to take it because not taking it would mean i'll never loose it.

for the first time in my routinary life i wanted something big. i wanted to take over the wheel and go on the road tip of my life.

I DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITER.

i took the first step and look for a good school and i did find one. i didn' have that much support but i still went for it anyway ... and that is my second step ... i thought everything would flow as smooth as silk. i made myself believe that if i wanted it that bad then i'm gonna go get it.

but small things put me down easily ... i was so excited to be who i decided to be, i forgot about that detail.

i didnt really give it that much thought. for me failure is always a minor scratch.
i fail, i cry, i get over it then i'll start all over again.
i always thought it's as simple as that.

the thing is i played my life a little too safe. i never wanted anything this bad. this bad.

my heart is breaking into tiny pieces and the wind is blowing it away ... i dont think i can pick i up. i have lived in the world of mediocracy a little too long. i don't know what it's like in a competitive world like this. ... faced with difficulty, i break down. i cant be like that. not anymore.

because this time ... i really want to fight for this. i dont know how ... but i will. i should, for my own sake. ... i need to keep it together.


i dont know how. i dont freaking know how.

tablado nanaman ako. ... i dont want to be upset over small things like this ... but no matter how hard i try to smile and say it's ok ... i still am upset, i'm upset and i can't do anything about it.

...

maybe nikki is right, if i cant feel reciprocity then maybe i should turn my attention somewhere else.

someone said when you express your feelings just because you expect the subject of your feelings to reciprocate, then you must prepare yourself for the greatest disappointmet of your life.

when you tell someone you like them, you must do it for yourself. you must do it for you not to regret anything and have those what ifs forever. when you express what you feel you have to have the right reasons for it. ... though, that right reason may vary from one person to another ... it must still not be for selfish reasons ...

people who always expect for reciprocity are damned to live a miserable life ... for they will only do things for the sole reason of having something in return.

maybe, they should start to look around and realize that this is the real world! not a freaking fairytale book. where every princess has their prince charming. ...

the real world isn't like that ... not even close.

MR. CURIOUSITY

hey Mr. Curiousity, is it true what they've been saying about you?
are you killing me?
you took care of the cat already and for those who think it's heavy,
is it the truth? .. or is it only gossip?

call it mystery or anything just as long as you'd call me
i sent the message on did you get it when i left it?
see this catastrophic event wasn't meant to mean no harm.
but to think there's nothing wrong is a problem!

I'm looking for love this time, sounding hopeful but it's making me cry.
because love is a mystery ...
Mr. curious ...

come back to me.

Mr. waiting ever patient can't you see that i'm the same the way you left me,
in a hurry to spellcheck me.
and i'm underlined already in envy green and pencil red.
i've forgotten what you've said .. will you stop working for the dead and return?

Mr. curious, well i need some inspiration ...
it's my birthday and i cannot find no cause for celebration :(

the scenario is grave but i'll be braver when you save me
from this situation laden with hearsay

i'm looking for love this time, sounding hopeful but it's making me cry ...
try not to ask why

love is a mystery ... Mr. curiousity hey Mister please do come and find me

love is blinding when your timing's never right ...
but who am i to beg for difference finding love in a distant instant

but i don't mind ... at least i tried ... well i tried.

It's OK ... i'm soooo POSITIVE!!!

first let me tell you how wonderful the day is ...

well i wasn't able to eat my breakfast but it's ok ... nobody dies for skipping one breakfast right?
we have this college shirt and luckily ... mine has a tiny hole on the right sleeve, but it's fine ... nobody dies from having a hole on their shirt right?

then we had our lunch ... i bought half order of sauteed vegetables and rice ... it's actually good ... but i puked it all out in the afternoon ... my tummy hurts like hell ... but it's ok ... it didn't kill me so it's ok.

i have a schedule for an interview today ... for some reasons she cant make up her mind on when we could meet ... it was suppose to be 8 pm then she moved it to 5:30 the next day then she moved it again to 5pm today ... so i was there 5 mins. before 5 ... i waited for 1 hour and 1/2 for her. she didn't say sorry, she didn't even look at me ... she just passed me by as if i weren't there. anyway i continued with the "interview" if you can call it that. ... all i heard her say was blah blah blah blah ... stuffs i already know ... finally when it's time for me to ask real questions ... she took her phone and started calling people ... again, as if i weren't there ... then she left. ... she left just like that. ... but again ... it's fine ... i haven't heard anyone dying after having someone waste their time and bitch them around. so i guess i'll be fine.

after that very remarkable interview i went to my uncle's wake ... i was there in the middle of the drinking crowd working on my article i'm trying to make the most out of the informations i got on hand. ... then my cousins, decided to play that pseudo-rule on me. "the youngest has to follow orders" ... i know it's lame, i know it's stupid considering their age ... i mean they already have a family and all ..... the least i expected was for them to act the way they did 13 years ago. i admit i felt bad ... i told them that their excuse was lame (not to mention idiotic ... now this part i didn't say out loud) ... i mean if they want to ask for something they might as well have the common decency to ask nicely ... not play the your-the-youngest-be-our-slave-card on a busy and stressed out person ... again ... it's ok i did what they asked me to do anyway ... and guess what ... it didn't kill me.

now i still dont have an article i'm stuck on my crappy lead it's almost 3 in the morning and i haven't done anything productive yet. ... but it's ok ... i mean what's the worst thing that could happen ... i wouldn't finish my article, my professor will be dead mad at me. harsh words may or may not be thrown at me .... the point is, the worst thing he could ever do to me is make me cry, after that i'll move on and try to make another article ...

so what's so good about today???
i've been sick all afternoon, i've been ignored, bitched around, demeaned, stressed out etc....

this may have been one of the most "challenging" day of my life ... it's hard yeah ... but the point is none of those killed me. ... what doesn't kill me makes me stronger right?

so the way i see it ... today life has given me the oppurtunity to make myself stronger...

just in case you didn't notice ... I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!!!

somehow i'm proud of myself ... finally i'm ready to admit that i am capable of having such feelings that will make my heart skip a beat, weakens my knees or have pretty little butterflies inside my stomach.

as cheesy as it may sound ... i don't care! ...

but i think i am ... finally giving in ...

i cant help it anymore ...

i'm scared ...

some people say that "it's better to have loved and lost that to never have loved at all" ...
i didn't believe them ... for me it's "you cant lose what you never had."

i hate taking risks ...

i'm afraid of losing, of getting hurt, of stepping out of my comfort zone.
but all of those are part of this ... this human feeling.

as networkers always say
if you'll always do what you've always done ... you'll always get what you've always gotten ...

i hate saying bullshit things like this. i hate admitting embarassing stuffs like this ...

most of all i have never, not even in my wildest dream, had i ever imagined putting myself in an awfully awkward situation like this ...

i dont know what's with me today ...

i just hope you're worth it ... i think you are, i feel you are ...

i'll trust my gut feeling and assume that you feel it too ...

i hope you do.

...

i really want this so bad that i'm willing to invest this much ...

birthday

bakit bawal???

lintik na cosmic law ... 4 consecutive years mo na akong binibigo pero gago pa rin akong umaasa na may maganda kang idudulot kahit isang araw man lang sa buhay ko.

hanggang ngayon naniniwala pa rin aq na araw ko to! araw ko at ng bilyon bilyon pang taong kasabay q sa kapanganakan ko ... masaya kaya sila?

kung hindi ... e bakit naman??? bawal ba kami maging masaya
at kung oo ... e bakit ang daya naman???

akala ko magiging masaya .... e pano naman mangyayari yun kung ang unang 30 minuto e sira na!

hindi ko mapigilan ma upset.

WALA LANG

what could possibly be worse than a broken momentum? ... to some there are a lot of things, probably ...
but for me nothing is.

have you ever wanted something so bad but for some reasons you cant get it. everyday you pray for it, everyday you wish you have enough courage to go for it ... to take it, to own it.
but everyday you find yourself looking at it from afar ... just staring. contented in wishing it could be yours.

can you imagine waking up one day ... and everything just seem to give you that sign ... saying "GO FOR IT!!! NOW IS THE TIME!!!" it seems that all of the most powerful forces in the universe conspired to send that message to you ...

it feels so damn good! its as if the cosmic law granted you it's blessing to finally be happy.
one day you woke up ready to take what you want, ready to take any oppurtunity to get there.

you'll be amazed ... you'll probably ask your self "how the hell could i be doing this right now?"
you thought you can never have the courage to pursue what you think could make you happy ... but since the ever powerful force had already gave you it's permission to be happy ... you felt you can do whatever you want ... anything that would make you happy.

finally there you are in front of it ... ready to approach
ready to pursue your so-called "happiness"

then that ever powerful force suddenly decided to play a prank on you ... it'll take away everything it has given you ... even it's permission for you to be happy ...
later you'll realize ... you've been kicked in the ass.

------------

you were once used to letting pretty much everything pass you by ...
you thought ... it's better that way
after all .... you can't loose what you never had.

... you'lll tell yourself everything to make it better ...
but who are you trying to convince???

you know it, you feel it ... you've lost something


and they call it CHANCE.


HOY! WALA LANG WALA LANG WALA LANG WALA LANG ...

don't you get it?

"tara na, ibibili na kita kita ng ice cream tapos umuwi ka na."

"tara na, ibibili na kita kita ng ice cream tapos umuwi ka na."

... exactly how i imagined it.

sabi ko na nga ba e' ibibili lng aq ng ice cream tpos tpos na.
hay ... parang ayoko na tuloy ng ice cream ...

tlga bng iniisip mo na ung ice cream ung gsto q? ... di mo ba naisip na mka2bili rin nmn aq ng sarili qng ice cream kng gu2stuhin q ...

kahit ilang ice cream pa ... hanggang sa masira na ung tiyan q ... pero it's not about the ice cream ... kahit dirty ice cream lng un ok lng ... kahit ung tig li-limang piso lng ... para sken mas masarap un kesa sa drumstick na binili mo ... kng kinausap mo lng sana aq ng mas mtagal ... konting time pa sana ... kng dumating kaya aq ng mas maaga ... mas binagalan mo kaya ung lakad mo?, or nagpunta tayo sa mas malayong mini stop? ...

kng mka2balik lng aq .. i'd do anything to buy us more time. ... ndi mo ba q ma-gets? ... i'm stepping waaaayyyy out of my comfort zone just to spend more time with you ... gsto q lng sana ng extended time ... kse ikaw lng ung nkapg restore sa nag de-deteriorate qng self-esteem ... di q alam kng pano mo gnagawa, parang magic ... ewan q ba pg iba ung nagsasabi parang bola lng ... pero pag sayo nanggagaling ung encouragement, feeling wla aqng ibang choice kundi i-digest at isabuhay un ...

pano mo ba kse gnagawa un? ... frustrated na frustrated lng tlga kse aq ngaun e ... alam mo, never ka pang nagfail na i-uplift ung spirit q pg down na down aq ... para kseng alam mo kng anong dpat sabihin at kng kelan sasabihin ung mg bagay na magpapagaan ng pkiramdam q ... kahit kelan you never failed to make me feel better ... ngaun lng

pero ndi un dahil you're less of a friend now than before ... nagkataon lng cguro na mas mabigat ung problema q at mas konti na ung free time mo.

alam mo tama ka e ... ito nmn lagi ung problema q, pag nlalagay aq sa ganitong sitwasyon ayoko na ... nanhihina na q, ung mga adventure q sa utak q lng lahat ... gsto q sanang i-try un ... this time sa totoong buhay na ... gsto mo ba qng samahan? ... may libreng oras ka ba? ... gstong gsto ktang tanungin, gstong gsto na sana kta i-confront
kaso ndi q kaya ... this is only as far as i can go. ...

can you blame me for not taking a shot at this? ...
e kng everytime na susubukan q nasosoplak aq sa mukha ... feeling q, 3 inches away from my comfort zone masu-suffocate agad aq ... ang dami dami qng naiisip ... pero pag anjan ka na umuurong na ung dila q. ... hnggang ngiti n lng, hanggang tawa, hanggang biro ...

pero salamat na rin ... salamat inasikaso mo pa rin aq kahit may gnagawa ka pla ... salamat sa ice cream ... alam qng mahal un sayang nmn un pera mo ... salamat sa advice ... thanks for trying sobrang na appreciate q un. salamat sa kontin time ... kahit naghalo na ung tubig ulan at ung ice cream q ok lng, salamat sa panyo mo, buti hindi mo q hinayaang sumakay ng jeep na madungis ang mukha, salamat din sa paghatid mo sa sakayan ... salamat ah ... kse nung mga oras na un, nkalimutan qng nade-depress nga pla aq.

take a hike

ATTACHMENT TO SOMETHING WILL ONLY LEAD TO SUFFERING

sometimes i feel like riding random bus ... just let it take me where it'll take me.

i wanted to have an adventure of my own.

one day, just one whole day with myself .... to think, to explore, to re-evaluate myself.

i have always wondered what would it be like to really stand on my own.

maybe on my 20Th birthday ... that would be a great way for me to welcome myself to the so-called "ADULTHOOD" ...

i wanted to see life first hand, without anyone telling me which which is which and which is not.

i want to experince detaching myself to the world i know ... the one i grew up in. i just want to be with me and my beautiful mother (nature) ... some people thinks that hermits are weird ... people are social animals so how the fuck could those beard men live the way they do??? all alone up in the mountains ... dont they have families or friends? ... dont they miss them? ...

maybe they are weird ... maybe no normal person could survive the hermit life ... but you know what? i wanted to be weird just like that. ... they may weird but i think they're courageous too.

they have the guts to stand up and walk away from the materialistic world ... they have the guts to live differently, they have the guts to embrace life ... i wish i have that ...

but i don't. ... i'm scared of being alone. scared of not having someone to depend on when i'm in need. scared of not having someone else to blame when i'm frustrated. scared of missing out on the fun. ... and most of all scared that my absence wouldn't be noticed by the people i love and care about.

... i'm so damn dependent on other people, on earthly things, on things that i thought i need.

i feel like a tree planted in an island in the middle of quiapo. ... everytime a storm comes, i wish it would uproot me and take me away ...

... i want to walk away from all of these ... go and make my own destiny and come back to share it to the rest of the world ...

do i need a college degree to do this? i dont think so

but i need it to make my parents happy.

...

ayoko na talagang mag aral ... kaso kailangan. :(

thinking of dropping out

tama na muna na ung obsession ko kay JASON MRAZ ...
sa ngaun isasakatuparan q muna ung tlgang purpose ng blog ko: ANG MAG REKLAMO SA MUNDO

... ewan q ba ... medyo puro tungkol na kse kay jason mraz at sa kaladian q lately e.

sabi ng best friend q medyo ndi na nagiging maganda ung epekto sken ng course q ... kse daw ngaun tuwang tuwa aq pag may "potential disaster" ... kse Potential disaster = potential article.

hay! minsan iniisip q kng tlga bang tama pra sken ung path na pinili ko ... ayoko magsulat ...
ngaun q lng na realize na ayoko pla tlgang magsulat ..

ayoko na balang araw mag backfire sken lahat ng mga naisulat q ...
so ano isusulat ko ba ung mga bagay bagay kahit alam kong may masasaktan sakali mang mkita nya yon. ...

mas gsto q magsulat ng ganito ... mas sanay aq ng ganito ... magsulat ng magsulat ng wlang pakialam sa mundo ... sanay aqng ganito lng ... i doubt kng bukod sa mga kaklase q e may nagbabasa pa ng blog na to ... e malamang nga kng minsan ndi na lng tlga binabasa at all ... kse kng aq ung ibang tao ndi q rin babasahin ung sulat q ... dahil mababaw, puro reklamo at wlang sense ...

pero i'm doing this just for fun. pra lng mkawala ng stress sa katawan. kaya easy lng ... tuloy tuloy ang flow ng wlang kwentang ideas ...

di tulad pg nagsusulat ka ng article ... parang bawat word na isulat mo kelangan ng bonggang bonggang brainstorming. ... ngaun parang naiintindihan q na ung kuya q.

gsto nyang mag basketball pero ayaw nya nang mag basketball ... mahal nya ung basketball kse cguro un ung kinalakihan nya ... at alam nyang magaling xa dun. pero ayaw nya nang mging varsity kse ayaw nya ng stress na kasama ng honor na un.

gsto qng magsulat. masaya kng mapublish ang gawa q ... pero paran suntok ata sa buwan un. nkaka 2 1/2 sem na q ... 5 1/2 to go ... matututo kaya aq sa ganun ka konting oras ... hirap pa nyan slow learner aq.

ay shit tlga!!!

gsto qng mabuhay ng positive ... gsto q tlga ... kaso ung stress, it brings out the worst in me. ... i will never be perfect, not even in my wildest dreams, but i could be better ... i want to be the better version of me ... the positive version ...

all i wanna do is embrace life as it is and be positive with it. ...

yoko n tlgang mag college ... kaso sa basurahan nmn aq pupulutin kng itatapon q ang edukasyon q. ... kng wlang aral wla aqng kwentang tao ... wla aqng natural ability kaya kelangan q ng school ... bsta naniniwala aq na matutununan nmn ang mga bagay bagay ... kaso ngaun prang unti unti ... i'm proving myself wrong.

hay nku master ... cguro kng kasing talented mo lng aq ... iiwanan q na rin ang mgulong buhay ng kolehiyo at mglilibot na rin aq sa mundo katulad mo.

i just wanna get out of school and start the real learning process.

kaso utak q low tech.

positivity in human form

natutuwa nmn aq na 294 na ang nagrequest na pumunta dto si jason mraz ... at least nadagdagan ng apat ... tlga bang ndi xa sikat dto????
grabe ndi aq mkapaniawala ... naaalala q nung panahon na uso pa ang Cd burning wla aqng nkitang cd na walang kanta ni jason mraz: remedy, wordplay, you and i, geek in the pink etc, ... bsta un ...

kaya nmn tumatak sa isip ko na sikat si jason mraz dto sa pilipinas ... well, cguro nga ndi kasing sikat ng f4 nung 2003 pero naniniwala aq na sikat tlga xa ... or kng ndi man xa atleast ung mga kanta nya ... tpos ngaun pag nagtanong aq sa kng cno cno kng kilala nila si jason mraz sasabihin nla ... cno un? ... sasabihin q ung kumanta ng i'm yours .... (aahhh xa pla un)

bkt kaya ganun??? ... yaan mo na nga ... wla nmn aqng care sa paniniwala ng ibang tao e ... basta para sken jason mraz is the best! ... the best the best as in the best tlga!!!

speaking of jason mraz ... nabasa q ung mga blogs nya ... ( at kng iniisip nyo na bka fake na jason mraz un bhala na. ... bsta dun sa official website ni jason mraz q un nabasa ... kng pano aq nkasigurado??? ... wla na qng care ... bsta feeling q xa un ... may mga pics rin xa dun. ... kng ndi man xa un ... edi nauto aq)

anyway, ... un nga ... grabe ... ang masasabi q lng e he's such an amazing guy!!! ang cool, down to earth, he loves mother nature (khit di xa nagplant ng 1 million trees) ... tpos ung bahay at studio nya solar energy na ang gamit ... at ndi pa xa ung tipikal na celebrity na puro scandal ... ewan q ba ... bsta ang goal q sa buhay e ma meet xa! un tlga!!!

bsta parang punong puno ng positivity ung buhay nya ... para xang positivity in human form ... nkaka amaze tlga ung pananaw nya sa buhay ... cguro kng majority ng mga tao gnun ang paniniwala ... bka wla nang war ... cguro puro peace, love at music na lng ang meron ...

naiinggit aq sakanya ... kse kahit anong gawin q ... nkikita q pa rin ang negativity ng mndong ginagalwan q ... cguro i'm not grateful enough for the life that i have ... kaya wla aqng peace ... wlang contentment ... kaya lging may hinahanap.

gratitude. gratitude. gratitude ... yan nmn ang lgi nyang cnasabi ... kng manggagaling sakanya parang ang simple simple lng na mag let go ... na mabuhay ng parang wlang problema ... na parang maso-solusyunan ng music lahat, ng act of random kindness, ng positivity ...

kng kaya q lng e ... kng kaya q lng mging kasing positive nya ... ksing grateful ... if only i could think deep and as critical as he could ... cguro kahit pano may fulfillment na sa buhay q

pag na meet q xa ang itatawag q sakanya master jason ... gstong malaman kng pano mabuhay sa positibong side ng mundo ...

INVITE JASON MRAZ TO YOUR CITY!

View all Manila events on Eventful

invi/sign out

kahapon:

• sayang nmn ung panaginip q ndi na natuloy ... pero ok lng masaya nmn aq kahapon dahil dun e. nver mind the ending medyo vague na ung dream e'.
• nkakainis ung prof sa sapnish. ... bsta ndi q xa feel!!!
• bukod sa prof meron pa qng knaaasaran ... pero as of now secret muna.
• nawala ung iphone ni michelle ... kawawa nmn.
• nagpaload aq para lng bumati ng happy bday ... tpos wla man lng nangyari .... wla mn lng reaksyon. ... sayang tuloy ang load! amp!
• na stress aq ng bongga dahil sa print training

(... at yan na nga ang mga ka buwisitan ng araw q kahapon ... buti ng lng npanaginipan q si jason mraz kaya bawi bawi na rin ... )

kanina:

• na late na nga aq ng gising nawawala pa ung pres ID q! lintik
• pinagbintangan q pang mabaho ung katabi q sa bus ... e t-shirt q nmn pla ung may foul odor! nkakaiya leche!
• NA MI-MISS KO NANAMAN YUNG MGA LOLO KO! :(( NAKAKALUNGKOT!
• parang lumipad nnmn ung pera sa mga kamay q.
• ... pero buti n lng binigyan pa ulit kmi ni sir klink ng 1 week pa pra sa aricle.
• buti n lng pnahiram aq ni jj ng t-shirt (SALAAMAT)
• medyo masaya rin nmn pla mag encode.
• weirdo ung katabi q sa bus na parang songhits in human form ... lahat ng novelty songs alam at sinasabayan nya pa!
• yung binai q ng happy b-day kahappon nag reply na ngaun ... nagpasalamat lng at "diumano'y" naginvi/nagsignout rin pgkatapos. ... leche tlga.
• ung assignment ndi nmn sa mahirap xa ... mahirap lng tlga mag exert ng effort ... ewan q ba.

(at yan nmn ang kabuuan ng araw q kanina)

mga bagay na na-realize q:

• SHIT! amazing tlga si JASON MRAZ!!!
• pag nag concert xa dto willing aq magstop ng isang sem mpanood lng xa.
• mabait pa rin nmn pla si god at inallow pa ang 1 week grace period pra sa mga article nmen.
• mas madaling ma-obsess sa isang sobrang talented na singer/composer ... in short si
• JASON MRAZ kesa sa kaklase mo nung high school na kahit nadadaan-daanan mo lng ung school e parang nsa kabilang dulo pa rin ng mundo. as in ndi ma reach.
• mas madaling magpantasya na lng forever sa idol mo kesa mag effort at pilitin ang sarili mong lumabas sa iyong comfort zone para lng mag reach out sa taong can not be reached nmn ang drama.
• kailangan nang iwanan ang past sa past ... kalimutan na ang 3 taon mo nang prospect ... dahil obviously hindi xa interesado sayo in anyway ... ngaun ang tamang panahon para isabuhay ang saying na "PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH" ... ano na nga ulit ung sabi mo? kung ayaw sayo edi wag! ... isabuhay mo yan ... but then again, ndi kita masisisi kng from time to time nkakalimutan mo ... pagbibigyan kta dahil bday nya nmn e. pero after nito wag ka nang mgpka tanga! ok ... ngaun kng sobrang pathetic ka at gsto mo pa rin xa next yr. ... meron ka lng araw para i-feel ang pagiging loser mo over him.

from now on ... si jason mraz n lng ang gawin mong inspirasyon ... hahahaha

**

DAMN! what a nice dream

profesor, como si dice "ayoko pong pumasok at gsto q n lng matulog" en espanol?

ito na ata ang isa sa mga pinaka maaga kong blog. ( di kasama ung puyat blog ah)

... tinapos q pa ulit ung dreamgirls kagabi bago aq matulog. gabing-gabi na yon ... kaya nmn napag desisyunan q na magpa-late ng konti ngaung araw na to.

TANG*** ang ganda tlga ng panaginip q. naputol dahil sa lintik na spanish class. kaya ikwe kweno ko na habang malinaw pa.

... ganito ksi yan

nag text or tumawag ata aq nun sa kuya q. nsa trouble kse aq nun, edi punta nmn xa.
ngaun, ginabi na kmi ng uwi ... nag e explain aq tpos ayaw nmn mkinig ni papa. sermon lng xa ng sermon ky kuya ... hanggang sa nagkakasigawan na cla.

aq nmn sa sobrang inis q, nagwalk out aq ... lumabas aq ng bahay ng bonggang bongga. sinundaan aq nung isa kong pinsan nagmamadali aq, kaso ang bilis ng bruha.
may pinintahan aqng isang ndi familiar na place ... maliit lng e ... pero mganda na rin ... sa isang pinto dun may nkalagay na "do not disturb" na karatula ... bsta ganun, tpos may tumugtog.

nsa tapat na q ng pinto hinarang pa q ng pinsan q. ... sabi q sakanya

"... yaan mo na muna aq, uuwi rin aq bukas."

"cno ba kse ung tga jan."

"umuwi ka na ... sabihin mo sakanila nsa bahay aq ng friend q."

tpos may kinuha aqng susi sa bag q.

"ang ganda nmn ng boses nyan ... cno ba yan mi?" (aq si mi short for mimi yan)

"xmpre ... uwi ka na."

nung bubuksan q na yung pinto ... binuksan na nung nsa loob "come in." sabi nya. edi pinappasok nya kme nung pinsan q. tpos pumunta xa sa kitchen.

"parang pamilyar yung mukh ng friend mo" sabi nung pinsan q.

"ha? ... ndi mo ba xa kilala???"

"ndi, cno ba yan?"

... tpos kinuha q ung cover ng cd sa tabi q at ipinakita q sa kanya.

"ahhh. oo ng noh! nice"

"nice??? un lng?"

"anong reaksyon ba gsto mo?"

"jason mraz andito ... tpos nice lng"

mdyo natawa pa ung bruha qng pinsan "tss, ni ndi q nga alam na may nagmamahal pa pla sa mga kanta nyan e."

"o bkt??? ano bng ndi mganda sa kanta nya??? ung remedy, you and i, im yours ... mgaganda un ah!!!" jusko feeling para qng fan ni hannah montana na binubuska ni pasty. kaya ayun pinauwi q na lng xa.

"oh sorry there's no food in the ... " tpos nung npansin nya na wla nang bisita "... where is ..."

"my cousin. she went home."

"will you stay?" (PI! leche kilig na kilig nmn aq)

"can I?"

"why not?"







... to be continued na lang ...
maliligo na q e.

MEMORY ... is malleable

memory is malleable.memory is malleable.memory is malleable.memory is malleable.memory is malleable.memory is malleable.memory is malleable.memory is malleable.memory is malleable.

just because you remember something or you think you remember something doesn't mean it really happened. doesn't mean it's real ... IT'S NOT!!! well ... atleast not always ... keep that in mind. ... don't make it hard on yourself ... it never happened! NEVER! ... wag kang magpadala sa curiosity ... tantanan mo na! ... hindi mo yan naaalala for a reason. una dahil malamang hindi nga nangyari or if its the other way around, isipin mo na lang na blessing yan!

you're ok. you're ok. you're ok. ... dont stress yourself over a questionable memory ... if you can call it that. you're fine ... you know you ARE fine ... as matter of fact you are better than fine.

ok ... suppose that vague memory was infact a real memory ... it did happen.
... you define it as "unimaginable" ... so would you like that "unimaginable" scene flashing before your eyes each and every time you --- nah! never mind ... but, would you? ...

i don't think so.

or would you rather just forget it. as if it never happened ...

if you choose the latter ... then maybe this situation is perfect for you ... so what's the feaking problem???


why are you wasting so much time and energy trying to search for what you think is the truth if that truth, if that's what it is, will haunt you forever???

if it really did happen ... think about this ... your brain did you a favor ... it deleted that hauning memory ... so why are you trying to bring it back just to wish never did after???

-*-*-*-

ps.

.... ndi tlga katanggap tanggap ang incest.

mabagal kumilos ang mga tao sa mercury drug store sa lagro.

may mga bastos na mga thunders na sumisingit sa pila kahit may senior citizen's lane nmn.

ayoko sa mga taong pinipilit basahin ang utak ko. lalo pa kng nag sa succeed sila doon.

ayoko na ng mga secrets. ... as much as possible.

marami talaga aqng pinag sisisihang mga maling desisyon.

na gi-guilty pa rin aq hanggang ngaun.

i'm so broke ... kelangan q na tlga ng pera.

mukhang wlang patutunguhan ung article ko.

hindi nanaman ako makahinga!

eso es todo!

don't cry over spilled milk

...



i have always believed that i cant loose what i never had.



... for the past 9 years that belief somehow helped me to see the brighter side of pretty much everything.



like when i want a toy but can't afford buy it ... i'll ust take a good look at it ... return it to the shelf and walk away ... sure i'll be sad and all that ... but i'll get over it.



i dont usually cry over spilled milk what more if nothing was spilled in the first place right?











I feel bad ... really really bad.


but nothing spilled ... so there's nothing to cry about ...
maybe i should remind myself more often ...

in the world of Don Quixote

what if i'm not meant to be where i want to be?

maybe i don't really have what it takes to be there.
but if i dont, then why do i feel like i do? like i'm some kind of a --- nevermind.

maybe i'm just some sort of a Don Quixote person,
I'm a hero ... i'm a damn good hero but only in my head...
only in my own awesome world.

"oh yeah sure i can do that ... but the thing is, i'd rather not to."
that's the lamest way to justify ones incompetence.

if only i could i would stay inside my head forever.
reject reality because reality sucks.
reality sucks because to me reality means limitations.

i want to be the person i believe I am or at least the person i want to believe I am.
but what i really am is just someone who isn't good enough.

i've always get through depressions just like this.
i wish i could make belive my way through to this one ...
just like how i did before.

NICE

....

NEVER MIND

GOD wants me to know

from facebook.

Camille got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...

... that happiness has nothing to do with pleasure.You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it. Or when you don't want something and you remove it. Pleasure is always relative. Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect. The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer.


REALLY??? huh GOD, REALLY??? ...

well, if this GOD is a DJ and this F*ck*** life is a dance floor I'd probably go to another bar ... or better yet just go home!!!

calm down my stupid self, calm down ... you know there's no need to over react.

...well i know it's not really GOD who wants me to know this ... probably just some "religous guy" who likes to think that he knows what GOD has in mind ... hence likes to call himself a GOD too.

really huh "GOD" pleasure? how about this for pleasure ...

You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it.

you know what i want right now? ... the only damn thing i want right now is peace of mind ... but from the looks of it ... i'm not allowed to have it.

Or when you don't want something and you remove it

and the only damn thing that i don't want right now is this stupid secret. this stupid suspicion .... this damned information. ... i just want to be free from this burden.

but i can't.
because my freedom would cause someone else's misery.
and to bring misery upon someone important, someone you truly care for would be the most heartbreaking thing you could ever do to yourself.

and i can't live with that. but i don't think i can go on like this either .... i cant go any further.
this is only as much as i can bare.

why am i in this situation again?

WHY??? ... am i not worthy of this thing that "this GOD" call pleasure?

apparently i don't need it to be happy ...
if that's the case then why am i not happy?

am i being a damn martyr or just plain stupid? ...
the only consolation for me right now is the idea that i'm doing what i think right.
that i'm choosing to keep this burden because i dont want to hurt anyone else.

i don't know what else to do, what else to think ....

if i keep it to myself ... if i just keep it all inside and try to act like it doesn't exist at all. i'm afraid that sooner or later i will just explode and it would be worse. for me and for them.