IRRATIONAL MODE SWITCH .......

... don't you fucking touch that switch.

leave it alone.

it's irrational. let it go. don't rant about it. don't think about it.

and hell, don't talk about it.

stop. just .... fucking stop.

The perfect dress

You know that feeling you get when you walk by a store and saw 'the perfect dress'. you know it'll cost you but you're willing to save up for it. then the next day you'll realize that not only does it cost a fortune, it won't fit you anyway. ... that's the time when you'll ask yourself ... what the hell had happened to the person who used to be so happy with her baggy jeans and ragged t-shirt?

You try and go back to your old wardrobe, thinking you were so comfortable wearing those clothes back then. Who the hell said you can't wear them anymore? So you try ... You pick out the simplest of your shirts and the baggiest of your pants. You look at the mirror, brush your hair just for the sake of doing it. you pick your lipstick up and realize you don't need it anymore. You smile and think ... 'this is so much easier, why did I ever think of changing this lifestyle?' you used think 'ragged' style suits you best. suits your personality. and it does.

So you go on ahead with your day. just like the old times. you should feel comfortable, that's one of the perks of dressing down. and you are, you are comfortable ... but still every time you pass by a mirror, you secretly wish you had picked that nice blouse and cute skirt in your closet. every time you pass by a mirror and see your pale dark lips, you secretly wish you brought that lipstick with you.

the thing is ... you have changed. you may think you don't like it ... maybe because you can't buy the dress that you want or maybe because it won't fit you ... but there are tons of pretty dresses in the world. somewhere out there a pretty little red dress is waiting for you and when you see it, try it on. If it fits and you have enough money ... for the love of god, go buy it and maybe pair it up with killer heels

the thing this is ... that is probably age ... finally kicking in ... you didn't seriously think that you'd be happy playing tag and it forever ... did you? maybe it's just your girly-girl alter ego fighting it's way out of you.

Fact is, you want that dress and you can't have it ... the size and the price tag says so. ... that's kind of disappointing ... but that is not the last dress in the world ...

Project honesty: laziness among other things

It's only been three days.

it's too early for me to say anything ...

But I'm bored and I want to post a blog ... so :D

A friend told me that he'll start taking his studies more seriously, said it's his gift to himself. Then he asked me "how about you?"

I said "Honesty."

I don't know why I said that. hahaha It was the first thing that came to my mind. ... hahaha ... honesty.

I came up with this weird idea. I call it project honesty. I'll keep track on the lies (big or small) I tell and put it in a record with details like a brief summary of how I ended up lying, what was I thinking when I said that, what's my purpose (if there's any) and of course what's the truth.

None of these would make sense if I'd lie to myself again ... so I guess step one is done :D yay! I don't lie to myself anymore (that much. hahaha) I know there's a tendency for me to miss some of the things I said. this is just the first step anyway ... so I'm cutting myself some slack.

For the past three days I noticed I don't lie as much (not that my normal everyday life was filled with lies before ... they're not. ... well maybe just a little, ... bits of totally harmless little white lies, or should I say lame excuses hahaha lies that are totally harmless and totally unnecessary so I decided to minimize them. ...)

I guess my profound laziness plays a big role with the trimming down of lies.

Too much lies = tons of writing.

Every time I think about saying anything that's not true and think it's not a big deal anyway ... I imagine the burden that comes along with it.

... it's only been three days (I talk too much). I plan on doing this until august next year. or until I lose the compulsion to lie. I know this won't make the most honest person on earth (have no plans on being one) I don't even have an end goal for this project ... (oh wait, maybe there is ... umm to lose my compulsion to lie?) but it's making me feel good about myself. ... plus I really enjoy using onenote hahaha.

that .... thing

friend: have you ever seen me this happy? :)

me: no :D

friend: you know why?

me: yes :) ... have ever seen me this sad?

friend: ... :( No.

me: know why?

friend: yeah :(

another monday, another seemingly unending chitchat ...

*sigh ...

Memento

Am I lying to make myself happy?

hahahahah PUTANG INA ... sakto.

tae. ... sakto lng tlga. tang ina lang.

hahahahaha

Realization ...

So I'm watching this movie, Memento ...

A friend said it's my kind of movie. I believed him because the last time he said that ... he was right.

I'm halfway through it ... I think. Just when I'm starting to really get into it, my mother needed to borrow my laptop for video chat ... talk about buzz kill.

So ... here's a realization ... if I ever have the same condition as Lenny, man I'd be so fucked up.

I've had too many secret blogs ... the purpose was for me to write what I really feel, what I really think. ... the thing is ... I don't really read what I write ... i don't hate reading ... I just get too lazy most of the time. ... My best friend told me the purpose of her blog was not primarily for other people to read it ... she just wanted to read something that she wrote ... and when she does ... she feels better ... I guess.

I thought about it ... so I started reading my own blog posts ... the funny thing I realized is ... even to myself I couldn't be truly honest. I still remember writing most of it ... I usually write when my emotions are ... for lack of a better word, intense.

so yeah ... i remember. I remember the things I really wanted to write but couldn't ... fuck, not even in my secret blog.

My fear now is ... if I ever get into the same circumstance ... I'd be chasing a ghost I created. ... and it's fucking sad ... I lie, even to myself ... in fact the person I lie to the most ... I just realize ... is myself ...

It's sad.

fucking sad.

I don't want it anymore ... I don't know if this is just "the movie effect" or something ...

guess ... I better make it my birthday resolution or something ... I'm not that good with resolutions though ...

fuck ... that video chat is taking too long ... hahaha I really want to get back to watching.

what if I get in the same situation ... tsk tsk tsk. ...

what would happen if I can't trust even myself ...

August 05

Finally! ... the curse was lifted.

For the past six years I've been complaining about how awful my birthdays are. Well maybe they're not really that awful. Maybe I just expect too much out of that particular day, thus, the disappointment.

I was happy :D FUCK YEAH!!!!

I JUST HAD A HAPPY BIRTHDAY :D :D :D

I still can't get over the awesomeness of my party hihihihihhi :D

Now ... I kinda worry about this.

Hope the party effect last longer ...

I'm in such a good mood ...

Dear Universe,

Thank you for making it sunny the day before and my birthday :D Thank you .... yeah it rained ...but that's okay I appreciate what you did there .... Can we keep this even for at least a week? ...

Thank you .... I LOVE YOU and all you solar system!!! <3

Demotivational pic for motivation

'THE' time of the year

Good morning August.

So .... All I gotta do is get past the first two weeks then I'll be all right ...
Right?

Last blog for the month

Lately it has been all about me, me, me and ME!

And I'm sorry.

I know you're in cloud 9 right now, believe me ... I AM HAPPY FOR YOU.

Sorry for being the ant on your picnic.

Sorry for dragging this (whatever it is) for so long.

Sorry for being such a buzzkill ...

1:11 am ... Invisible wall

1:11 na.

2 hours ago hindi ko alam kung ano bang gagawin ko sa sarili ko para paglabanan yung antok.

Dami pang kailangan gawin e.

Ngayon naman hindi ko malaman kung ano bang kailangan kong gawin para dalawin ulit ng antok.

Usually naman hindi kasing dalang ng opportunity yung pagdalaw ng antok sakin e ... tsk tsk tsk.

nagtampo siguro kasi pilit ko syang pinapaalis kanina.

Hindi ako makatulog.

ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. ...

Hindi na ako malungkot ... tapos na ako malungkot tungkol dito e.

bothered ... siguro?

Mas mabuti pa sa inaakala mo

I keep on replaying that conversation in my head over and over, and wonder 'where did I go wrong?'

I asked a simple question: 'hey, how are you?'

she answered: 'mas mabuti pa sa inaakala mo'

Now, what did I ever say or do to make her think that? mas mabuti pa sa inaakala ko?

e ano ba yung inaakala ko? Does that mean she thinks that I'm looking down on her?

Ano ba yung iniisip nyang inaakala ko?

Am I over thinking again?

mas mabuti pa sa inaakala mo ... :'( parang ang sakit lang.

Dear Universe,

I feel betrayed. :( If this is your way of teaching me, I think I get it. ... So ... don't do unto others, huh? I am so disappointed. ... Is this how I make people feel when I do what I do --when I lie? :/ ... I didn't realize it would feel like this. It took me so long to open up, to allow myself to get close to them, to trust them ... I feel betrayed.

change topic

so I guess this (whatever it is/was) is finally over.

I read your post over and over but somehow ... i'm still lost :/

I don't really get what you mean exactly.

so ... if you wouldn't mind, please explain it to me more?

but .... let's talk about it some other time.

... i'm just glad it's over.

10 minutes

One of these days I'll be asking for my 10 minutes. And when I do, I'll assure you you won't hear anything that isn't true.

Remember when I said sometimes you are wrong. This is one of those times. I didn't ask you to give me 'that space' because I don't want it. I didn't tell you to leave me alone because I don't want you to leave me alone. I don't want to feel like it's summer all over again.

And don't you dare start with my subconscious. I don't want space and I don't want to be left alone PERIOD! I don't know why did you think that's what I want. and that's a question I'd like you to answer. why?

I'm sorry for lying. I was caught off guard. I was (honest to God) just fooling around, then you suddenly asked a serious question. I panicked ... I'm not trying to justify what I did. I was wrong and I'm sorry. I just want you to know what happened.

... and umm, ... I didn't know what a 'pathological liar' is ... so thank you for the info ... all I know is that I lie when I feel I needed to. I thought it's just the same as being a compulsive liar. ... but yeah, pathological sounds better ... I think.

I can't just "not mind" the things you said. ...

I know you were drunk when you said it ... but that doesn't make it any less hurtful.

Kuya, you made me cry.

I thought I'd understand if you'll get mad ... I was wrong again. I didn't.

I don't know, maybe I got the wrong message ... but it felt like you were accusing me of not valuing our friendship that much. ... Why? ... because I can't tell you what my issue is? ... again, maybe I got it wrong ... but it felt that way. I was hurt. ... I kind of still am ...

I was mad until I read your reply ... I didn't understand. Now ... I think I kinda do ... sort of.

you were wrong my friend ...

What I needed was time ... I guess I should've just asked for it.

...........

I hope your mother gets better soon.

...

looks like we'll be having that space after all ... see you after cinemalaya ...

5 minutes

I was really looking forward to an 'okay' day.

Despite having nothing to do but cry all weekend, I can say that it was the best I had this month.

I miss watching korean dramas ...

Anyway, I really thought my week would start right. Somehow I feel free of baggage.

I guess all that crying for moohyuk and eunjae helped after all.

So, I went to Ortigas to pick up my certificate in the morning ... after 2 long months ... finally.

But when I got there ... fuck. It still wasn't done. ... and they told me that it was already printed a week ago. That kind of set my mood off ... but I decided to just let it slide ... I don't want to ruin my whole week again. ... they made me wait for an hour I think ... I don't know what's the fuss with my assessment form ... Sir Migs did his in 5 minutes ... I already told them I only need one ... I also told them that I was kind of in a hurry ...

I left without my certificate. .... Fuck.

I took the bus going to farmers ... of course I don't know how to go to school ... but I decided to figure it out myself :D ...

I went wherever my feet leads me. .... but then I got tired ... I started asking people for direction. A nice old lady taught me the direction ... but it was too complicated for me to remember ...

Then I saw a guy, probably the same age as me. he was wearing a uniform so I figured he's a student. I approached him and asked.

"uhm, ... excuse me po kuya, saan po yung lrt na may papuntang central station?"

"anong station?" he said in a not so pleasant tone. I'm starting to get intimidated a little.

"uh, ... Central Station po :/"

"Central?" he frowned. ... "[baka] RECTO!" ... now I just want to kick him in the face for being rude ... but I was the one bothering him and I was the one in need of that favor so I just smiled and said "ay, ... un sige oo, saan ako sasakay papuntang recto station?"

"sumunod ka sken." he said. I was a couple of steps behind him. I think he could've walked faster ... but nah, ... he told me to follow him so I guess he's kind of waiting for me.

"bumili ka ng card dun" again, he said in a slightly rude manner.

"oo nga ... sige .. salamat."

The line wasn't that long ... but I think it took me about 5 minutes to buy the card. When I turned around he was still there and hasn't punched or inserted (whatever it's called) his card yet. I smiled (awkwardly). He didn't.

We didn't have a hard time catching the train. there wasn't that much of a crowd. I stood near the door, he stood on the other side. I can't remember what his face looked like ... all I remember was his eyebrows ... I don't know ... maybe because he frowns a lot.

He went off at Legarda station, he looked at my direction before we went out. I nodded and smiled (again) He didn't.

he was rude. ... but I find it cute (the moment not the person) ... It's like a scene from the shows I used to watch.

I have a lot of those "moments" ... It's something I used to really appreciate ... and I find it a little "nakakilig" too. ... I didn't even recognize that it was one of those moments.

when I got to school all we (mads and I) talked about was the bad stuff ... I didn't even remember it until yesterday.

I used to enjoy those simple things ...

I hate saying "used to" ... but lately I've been doing a lot.

.... *sigh.

liar, liar pants on fire

Okay, ... I lied.

That wasn't the most honest answer I can give.

This is:

"I don't think I can talk about it. ... not now anyway. "

this is how it is ...

I don't like feeling the way I do. But I can't help it.

Truth is ...

I think I'm just over reacting.

I don't know ...

I'm sorry if I'm dragging anybody down ... Am I?

This is just a phase .... I guess.

I'll get over it soon ... I'm sorry for the mood swings.

I promise to try and keep it under control.

Dwelling on this for this long is already making me despise myself.

I just don't want to hear myself say it out loud ... this is just as much self hatred I can handle.

Anything more would not be healthy ... I think.

I'm sorry :( ...

this is not about trust ...

I just don't want to embarrass myself in front of anybody ... specially me ... not with this ...

I'm sorry.

I don't think I can say it without stretching and bending and twisting the truth ...

even if I don't really want to ... I think that's exactly what I'll do.

That is how I am. I'm not proud of it.

...

I've been honest with you ... or at least tried my very best to be ...

I don't feel lying now ... but ... damn, I already did ...

but ... you understand me ... don't you?

please say yes.

if you do ... can I claim that friend hug you were offering before?

... but if you don't and you find it shallow or annoying or irritating ...

do what you want ... I think I can understand that.

HUG??? ... anyone? :'(

I've been up all night. My stomach is churning, I feel like throwing up. But I can't.

My knees are too weak to get up. What the hell have I done?

I still have two more episodes left to watch. Sadly I can't finish it because 1) I can already see daylight through my window and 2) I can barely open my eyes anymore.

My mother will probably freak out. How could I explain my swollen eyes? ... bitten by a cockroach? ... both of them?

It wasn't as sad when I saw it a few years back. Why does it seem to be so heart breaking now?

oh my eyes ... my poor damaged eyes :(

I've been crying for 8 hours ... I didn't even notice the time.

My head ... it feels as if it's gonna explode.

I really feel like throwing up ... GOD! this is worse than a hang over.

much much worse.

and my heart ... oh God, my heart ... it's crushed.

I should probably download something funny ...

My heart ... it's crushed.

I should have listened to my friend.

I should never watch a sad movie/TV series ...

This is depressing. I seriously need a hug :'(

Dear Ms. Subconscious .... it's just his fucking birthday

To my favorite hang up, happy birthday :D

*sigh ... I didn't even notice that it's been 365 days since I bumped my head and realized how pathetic I was. I remember staring at my computer for hours and hours, my hands were shaking, my heart was beating so fast. Crazy. I was frying my brain trying to come up with a more creative way of saying happy birthday ... hahaha :D stupid me.

For five long years I patiently wait for three special occasions each year: your birthday, Christmas, and new year. Every year I wait just so I can initiate a conversation and not feel like i'm such a (can't think of an appropriate word) despite knowing that it will end in 5 minutes. ...

I remember almost memorizing your long (and totally unnecessary) explanation on why I shouldn't greet you, why you're not celebrating your birthday anymore ... haha, BS :D

I was like "what the fuck are you talking about? ... all I want is a 'thank you' or a ' :) ' ... or maybe if you're feeling generous of your time ... a little 'how have you been' would be nice.

It took me five long years to get tired of being dismissed like that. ...

now here I am ... getting bitched around by my subconscious ... luring me back into that viscous cycle of running to my manufactured problems when I can't face what I should be facing.

Why ms. Subconscious, why? ... didn't we agree that we are tired of this? that we are done with this? ... you should remember that ... because I do ... as clear as [insert anything 'clear' that you can think of here] ... Us agreeing is such a rare incident ... a moment as special as that should never be forgotten.

we got tired of the bullshit and we decided to move on ... sure, he got to us both again in November but it's not about liking him or being infatuated or something with him anymore ... It's about getting disappointed at someone we used to look up to. It's realizing that the person whom we think was so deep didn't (apparently) consider us even as a friend for the shallowest reason known to man --appearance.

of course that assumption could be wrong ... but ... do you really still care about that? ... please say no.

It's just his fucking birthday ... no big deal.

This is just a left over residue of our favorite hang up ...

We can't keep on coming back to it ...

that's just pathetic ....

let's not lose our self respect over this ... will you help me do that?

people say that what the subconscious is saying is what you really want.

I don't care ...

because if that's the case ... if it is really up to you ms. Subconscious...

then we'd be a horrible person ... 50x worse than what we are now.

you know that ... and you agree.

Coffee, Tea ... or ... Berto?

My life has been all about rants and mood swings and bad vibes for the past couple of weeks. I hate being at home more than ever. I don't really enjoy being at school. I don't want to be anywhere. If disappearing could be part of the choice, I'd pick it in a heartbeat.

Almost everything makes me sad or mad or annoyed. Right now is the best example ... I'm sitting here in front of the desktop because someone else is probably using my laptop. How could they be noisy at 11:21 in the evening? where could I possibly find a peaceful and quiet place to write if not in my own home?

Anyway back to the topic. I have become a very grumpy person and I'm not liking it. I used to be so cheerful ... what the fuck happened to me? Now everything just seems like they're there to make me feel bad.

There's one thing though that makes me happy. MILK TEA and Sandwiches (I guess that makes it two :P)

The main source of my joy. I'm in love with the idea that someday my best friends and I will put up our own little Deli where I can make delicious sandwiches and refreshing milk teas. I'm in love with the idea of sitting in that little high chair beside the huge glass window where the name of our deli is written across with fun and colorful fonts. I'll be sitting there with my laptop trying to write anything. Writing, after all, is my first love. Despite realizing now that I may never be that good (because of my profound laziness) I can never totally give up on it. I will always feel the need to write something --anything. Readers don't matter that much to me. ... Even I don't bother reading my own work sometimes. I don't know, I'm just lazy like that

I'm in love with the idea of getting up early in the morning, (well not really with the getting up early in the morning part) walking to my Deli, make my (hopefully by then) famous sandwich (haven't really thought of a cool name yet since I still can't quite figure out the taste I am looking for) I'll make only 100 pieces of those for a day. People who'd want to buy must come early, that's how I'll know they really love it. and I won't allow reservations :D (just to be fair)

Maddie and Nikki will be my business partners. Nikki who'll probably be living in Brisbane by then would fulfill her duty as an awesome business partner by sending us the money we need. Maddie will be in charge of the interior design and furniture and stuff. And I will have my creative freedom over everything that is edible in that little deli of ours. Suggestions are most certainly welcome :D

I'd name sandwiches after a TV series, after an old professor, a friend, a celebrity I admire ... I'll name my sandwiches after anything that comes to my mind and it wouldn't matter even if the name is ridiculous because that sandwich would taste amazing. :D Maybe there would be a Firefly sandwich, a Chuck sandwich ... There would definitely be an Amaya sandwich but it wouldn't be named after the TV series but the girl who started it all. The girl whose grilled cheese sandwich was amazing I had to stalk her on facebook. Sadly, I can't find her :( ... And also, one sandwich would have to be named Berto ... ( just because I’ve always wanted to create a food named Berto.)

I've never been so inspired in my life. For the first time I'm dreaming of something I can honestly believe could happen to me in real life. But ... It kinda scares me. What if this is all in my head again? What if I'll be the only one to like what I make? I've been looking for that perfect sandwich for weeks now, disregarding my morning habit, blowing off rice for breakfast just so I could have the chance to make a sandwich and hopefully find the right taste

I still could not

The milk tea however, since it's all I can bring to school and have people to try, have gathered good feed backs and it made me happy ... and then something got me worried. Aren't milk teas taste all the same. After all, It's just tea with sugar and cream. anyone can make it ... what would make people buy mine? what would make it .... special?

I wonder what would make me give up on this, what would wake me and make me realize that I’m not really cut out for this.

I don’t see it happening anytime soon. I am not happy at present but for the first time I am happy for what could be the future … a realistic future. I won’t be a cook in a cargo spaceship firefly class where the crew consists of pure weirdness. I won’t accidentally be a part of a treasure hunting group, be friends with them, find the missing treasure and live wealthily ever after.

I’d just be a part owner of a little Deli, make sandwiches and awesome teas for a living. Go home after I check on my beautiful green garden after a day of hard work and smile because the rose I almost killed by excessive watering, just had it’s first bud. I'll take my bandana off, stand in front of my bathroom mirror hold another one at the back of my head, marvel at that big black tattoo across my head saying "FREEDOM" and tell myself, "I still can't believe you actually did it."

Dear Universe

I'm tired. I'm tired of blaming you for every misfortune that comes my way. Whatever happens I know in the end I will always be the one to blame. Whatever it is I am feeling, no matter how many people I have to blame, at the end of the day I still couldn't trick myself into thinking that it was totally out my hands. Because if it was I wouldn't be wasting my time lamenting on it. So should I just blame you on the account of me being careless? on the account of me being ... me?

I bet if you could only talk you'll say "what the fuck did I ever do to you? why are you always blaming me?" Well, Batman had the same sentiment ... I used to blame everything on him, put him in charge of everything even if he has nothing to do with it.

Misfortune is not an entirely new concept to me. I've had my fair share of 'epic fail moments' when I was younger. None of it had ever put my spirit down. I was the kind of kid who'll secretly laugh when being punished by the teacher. I was the kind of kid who'll laugh at everything as long as it is funny .. (on second thought ... it doesn't necessarily have to be) ... including herself.

I am weird (just like everybody else), I am awkward, I am a slacker, I am moody (sometimes), ... I am a lot of things. But grumpy, I most certainly am not. When did this happen? The more important question is ... why? ... how?

When did I stop smiling at old people I pass by on the street? When did I start to stop listening? Will it lead me to stop caring as well? No, God I hope not. I worked so hard for that. When did this change happen? ...

Can I go back? Please, oh please Mr. Universe, sir ... can you make me go back? I want to see it as it happen --the change. I want to know what caused it. And if you permit, I would like so much to undo it. I am tired of feeling what I am feeling. I am tired not knowing what it is.

Mr. Universe, sir ... Can't you see? I won't put up a fight. I am forfeiting ... why won't you let me? Have I unknowingly signed up for a death match? ... Oh come on, now ... you know that can't be fair. You are the UNIVERSE ... you can't die.

I just want the old me back. (well, some of it ... you which ones to keep) Is this some sort of a punishment? or ... maybe you're just trying to prove a point? maybe Ted's right ... Maybe if I could only be honest and ask you what exactly it is that I want ... maybe you'd acknowledge the effort and grant me that one wish ... maybe if I could just be totally honest for once and go after the one thing that I really really want and ask you to help me get it ... maybe then you'll start working your magic to make things easier for me ...

So is that it??? ... all I need to do is ask? ... ask for that one thing my heart truly desires?

Well ... then I'll ask for you to take me back in time and give me the chance to undo whatever it is that needs to be undone. ... All I want, right at this exact moment ... is to go back. With all honesty ... right now, all I want is to go back.

Will you grant me that wish? ... or wasn't it honest enough? ... if that's the case ... then maybe I should stop hoping that someday we'll be on the same side, Because that's all the honesty I can give ... anything more than that would be a lie.

How long must I endure your little game? ... how long will it take until you're bored with my rants? I hope soon ... because I'm staring to get tired of hearing myself ranting ... and that's not a good sign ... is it?

Sincerely,

Camille

sa dwich

Perfect sandwich ...

If I can't find you, I swear to God someday I'll create you!

I tried making sandwiches every morning.

All of them quite delicious ...

Still nothing comes close.

... it just sucks that somehow I feel my life will be put on hold until I found that perfect sandwich ...

It just sucks ...

How come no matter how ... (well, to be modest) "okay" my sandwiches taste it's still not as good.

.... something's telling me this could never be right without cheese ...

Is it just a matter of right ingredients? ... maybe, ... but I got to make do with what I have ...

Good morning Exaggeration!! :D

hahaha

but seriously ... my soul would never be at peace until I have that sandwich again ...

It's just like that bright yellow shirt ...

still haunts me in my dreams :/

Game Changer

...

So there I was enjoying the beach when suddenly the universe decided that i have to get thirsty and get water from the kitchen.

My father and his friends from the seminary were there talking about the good old days and stuff.

I've heard most their stories ... It's fun hearing other versions of them.

... yeah ... I was eavesdropping. I never should have. I know that now.

Anyway

I didn't know how but the topic suddenly changed. Then I heard my father talking.

"Meron nga noon naalala ko. edi galing ako nun sa game. malapit na 'ko nun sa bahay e. tapos nakita ko yung kaklase ng bunso ko mukhang papunta sa bahay namin. bigla akong kinabahan e ..."

they all laughed at that ... then my father continued ...

"palagi kong nakikita yun sa bahay namin e. E may mga dala dala ... may parang regalo pa nga ata e. ... "

"o, e anong ginawa mo?"

"nasindak ata sakin e." ... they laughed ... again. my heart began to beat too fast, i didn't understand what was so funny about it.

"hindi ko na nga nakita yung bata mula nun e."

I felt like crying .... fuck.

then I remember ... if he was coming home from a basketball game ... that has to be that day. ... the day when i cooked for him. that could be it ... fuck.

...

We were in the car, heading home. My father asked me did I enjoy the trip. I said yes, coldly. I don't know I guess I was just not in the mood to talk to him. I was mad.

He tried to crack jokes and stuff. Telling me more stories about his days in the seminary. Those were really funny stories (in normal circumstances) but all I could hear was "blah blah blah blah ... you know that guy you really used to like? ... yeah I was the one who scared him away ... hahahahahah" I know this'd make me look like an ingrate daughter (plus the fact that 'i was the one who scared him away' part was just in my head) ... but at that moment all I could think about was punching him in the face.

I know he was trying so hard and I know it is because he knew I was upset. And I also know how frustrating that is for him --to not know what's wrong and why he's getting the cold shoulders. The thing about my father is ... when he feels that you're mad because of something he did but he doesn't know what it is ... he won't say sorry. His best defense is to turn it around on you. That normally works ... but not now.

"hoy Camelia, ano bang problema mo?" he yelled ... sort of.

"wala po."

"pareho kayo ng ate mo ah ... ako, camelia wag nyo pinapaandaran ng mga ganyan ganyan nyo ah! blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ..."

Why was I the one being yelled at when he was the one who did a terrible thing?

"Bakit nyo naman po tinakot yung classmate ko?" I just couldn't take it anymore.

"ano?"

I know he heard me clear enough. He was shocked. I can tell ... he stopped the car. That wa one of the most awkward moments of my life. Then i asked him again anyway ... trying my best to not let the words catch on my throat and trying even harder to not let my tears fall from eyes ... good thing i brought my sunglasses with me.

"bakit nyo naman po pinauwi yung classmate ko?" I asked again.

he didn't answer. ... he just drove.

...

we didn't speak throughout the whole trip. I have nothing to say to him ... I was waiting for an explanation even though I know why he did it. ... I just wanted to see how he'd justify it.

...

When we got home I went straight to my room. I've been wanting to cry since morning but somehow ... I can't.

I turned my computer on ... and stared at his facebook profile thinking whether to add him as friend again or not. Why did I fucking delete him?

I accessed my yahoo mail. He's online ... how lucky was I, right?

I wanted to talk to him ... but I didn't know what to say ... I spent an awful lot of time typing and erasing, typing and erasing, typing and erasing words in his chatbox.

I couldn't talk to him ... no matter how much I wanted to.

and just when I was about to log out ....

he PMed me ...

"ano ba yang tina type mo na yan? kanina pa yan ah."

my heart began to skip a beat ... I suddenly couldn't breathe

I didn't know what to say ... didn't how to start ...

"sorry." I said.

"for what?"

"kasi ..."

"kasi ... ang dami dami kong inisip na masasamang bagay tungkol sayo ... ndi ko naman alam kung ano tlga yung nangyari."

"e, ganyan e. andyan na yan e"

"sorry .... hindi ko alam. :("

"tsk. ok lang yan."

.... awkward silence ....

"masaya ka naman ba?"

...

then ... just like that ... everything just came back ... All the tears I've been holding back since morning just ... gushed down from my eyes ...

then I said ...

"Hindi. :( "

I've never felt so sad before .... not like this ...

...

then ... my sister woke me up ...

crazy dream ...

I got up ... searched for my phone under my pillow ...

my pillow was sort of wet ... though i'm not really sure if that's from tears or drool ...

but nah ... I don't really drool when I sleep ... except if i was too tired or something.

kinda funny how real it felt when I was in there. I was really really sad ... but then when i wake up ... I didn't feel anything.

... strange. ... strange feeling.

now I can't help but think what would I do ... or what would I feel if that's what really happened ...

but ... nah ... doesn't matter.

.... that much.

2 years ago ...

ZZZZZZZzzzzzz ......

Tomorrow won't be a be a new day unless I sleep.

Not just a power nap. SLEEP! as in real sleep.

There are only 24 hours in one day.

I never should've tried extending it for whatever reason there is.

So tonight, No Dexter, No Chuck, No Facebook. No everything.

This day had be way longer than it should have been --72 hours.

So good night dear brain.

tonight we shall rest :D

go out there and have a sweet sweet dream.

forget about everything else.

Tomorrow will finally be a new day :D

No tears formula.

I swear if only that commercial meant it literally, I'd buy a bottle of Johnson&Johnson's baby shampoo and pour it my eyes.

I remember when I was in grade school, nobody ever saw me cry. I've been bullied and all but I managed to keep it together. It's not that I didn't feel anything back then. I just had the sense to hold my tears back as long as I could. If I couldn't control it anymore I'd go to the washroom. haha thinking about it now kinda made me feel a bit like Chuck Norris hahaha.

I don't know whatever the hell on earth happened to that kid. I miss her .... well, composure (if you can call it that) I miss how she managed to take control of her emotions.

Now what? here I am ... all grown up (well ... not really) I should've been tougher, but no. Sadly, I'm not. Now I cry almost at everything.

Damn it i messed up an interview because I fucking got so emotional. I fucking choked on a fucking interview. How am I supposed to be with those sick kids? They are going through an awful lot of stress. The last thing they'd need is a stupid stranger feeling sorry for them.

The fuck! it took me two days before I finally shed a tear for my grandfather's death. everybody cried when they watched my sassy girl and I was like ... meh?

I need my old self for tomorrow ... I took all the vitamin C I could find just to make sure I'm well when I see them. Fuck! ...

I'm fucking crying right now ... just reading about them makes me weep, damn it!

I ended an interview because my words are catching on my throat ... I don't even have enough information yet. I screwed up .... I fucking screwed up an interview ... how the hell am I supposed to write about it now ...

Dear Happiness,

I know you're a very busy dude ... I know ... The universe is always sending you elsewhere .... but please ... can you not follow his orders even just for one day.

be with me, make me strong ... don't let me show those kids what I really feel.

I DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOSE HOPE FOR THEM!!!

I fucking do not!

They are too young and yet they're already fighting a war ... for their lives, for their family ... the last thing they need is a moronic girl who'll cry in front of them and make them feel like there's no more hope for them.

Please Don't make me cry ... DO NOT ALLOW ME.

please ...

Baggage, Terminal, Bus blah blah blah

So ... There's this song I sort of can relate to.

I guess I'm not really detached after all.

well, not really ... maybe juts the first line ...

I don't know.

I've let this thing bug me for a couple of days now.

I think it's about time to stop.

Nothing's lost. I can't lose what I never really had.

Tsk, could-have-beens ...

I told you the truth. Maybe I should have stopped there.

But I had to make sure it's okay. I just fucking had to make sure ... Why?

I wonder what would've happened if I listened to them.

Don't over think

Go with the flow

see where it leads you

I had to make sure it's okay. ... I had to before the feelings become real.

Well, I don't intend to carry this baggage forever. It's getting heavier and heavier by the minute.

Maybe when I'm free of it ... maybe ...

tsk, I'm over thinking again.

I just ... I really miss talking ... We used to spend almost a whole day just talking.

Now ... nothing.

But thank you ... for trying again.

It just wasn't there anymore ...

I enjoyed the ride though ...

And I promise when I take the next bus ... I'll leave that baggage on the terminal.

My shoulders are already killing me.

Bedridden

So I was sort of bedridden yesterday. I'd be lying if I say I didn't enjoy it even a little. Well It's good getting a full day off every once in a while. But GOD! the pain. I just couldn't stand it. I've never been in so much pain as I had before. (fucking dysmenorrhea)

Back in high school I was wondering why girls need to be so damn moody every time that time of the month comes. I always thought it was just a lame excuse they use to get a free bitch-around-for-three-days pass. I mean, I'm a girl too (believe it or not) I get that horrible three days as well, sometimes even longer. But I don't bitch around. Hell I still run around and play tag and it with my friends.

They (other high school girls) kept on talking about how it hurts here and there. How they just want to lie in bed all day. Or How they just want to die right at that moment. See, I never really understood dysmenorrhea. To me it was like the Yeti, the loch ness monster, or the Chupacaba. Really scary stuff. Well, at least according to the girls I attended high school with. Scary, yes. With the tales about the pain and all but to me it was never real.

(left-right: Yeti, Loch ness, Chupacaba)

Well, I might have used it as an excuse back then. Given that I don't have any idea about how it feels like, still the kind nurse admits me in the infirmary. Well, what can I say? ... Guess I'm just a natural born ... slacker :D I can make the improbable probable just so I can slack off. (of course that was in high school :P)

So .. Yeah. Enough with the background (feel free to stop reading anytime you want ;) ) I tried getting up to help with the chores and all (but of course i didn't really want to) but my knees were wobbling and every time I stand upright It feels as if I was having a miscarriage. So I really had no choice but to lie down. I watched the whole season of Firefly and Serenity (a.k.a Firefly the movie) right after.

(oh god, I really do blabber too much) So anyway, here's the story.

I woke up inside the engine room of serenity(the transport spaceship firefly class) It's Kaylee's room I wasn't supposed to be there. The engine wasn't moving. That can't happen. Not if we're still in space. But then again maybe we have landed while I was unconscious. After all if we were indeed still in space we should have been running out of air. I breathe fine.

(Serenity's engine room)

I tried to get up but I couldn't. I couldn't feel the lower half of my body. I looked around there was blood everywhere. "Cap'm!! Cap'm!!" someone yelled from outside the room. It was Kaylee's voice. "Reavers are on the bridge. I'm trapped." Holy mother of the alliance! There are reavers in the goddamn ship and I can't move. I don't even have a gun. God knows what will happen if those damn savages get to me.

"If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins into their clothing - and if we're very very lucky, they'll do it in that order." --Zoe

Then suddenly there were gunshots. "Sir there's too many of 'em. Our amos ain't enough Sir!" It was Zoe. Good. I hear her voice clearer than Kaylee's she must be near the engine room. "Zoe!" I called. She didn't respond. It was as if she didn't hear anything. "

Then River came out of nowhere. She looked me straight in the eye then she started to cry. "It's too painful, Simon. Make it go away. make the pain go away." She kept on saying. She lay on the floor beside me took my hand and placed it on her stomach. "Don't go just yet." she said, starring blankly to the ceiling. You see, River, she's weird like that. "You have to meet the Captain first." she said and smiled.

"River, NO!!!" Simon shouted. "What have you done?" Simon rushed to check my vitals. "Doctor, I am okay. Got nothing to worry about." I said. But like Zoe, it was as if he didn't word anything I said. He looked at River helplessly. Tears rolled down his cheeks. "Hey! what the hell is ha .... *some Chinese curse or something" It was Jayne. He's Carrying his favorite gun. He pointed it at River. He really looked angry. "What did you do to her?" he growled. "But she was in pain. the pain won't go away." River murmured. "She's bleeding Simon. She's hurt. The pain won't go away. Make it go away Simon."

"Jayne, put the gun down." The Captain ordered.

"Doc's sister's a whacko Cap'm. Look what she did." Jayne said.

"Mal, please. ... she .."

"That's Captain to you, Doctor."

"Okay ... Captain. She's just a child. She's troubled. She's not even aware of what she did."

"I thought you said you fixed her!"

They went on and on about how the Simon should have watched his sister better. Jayne just wanted to kill her and Captain Mal kept on uttering Chinese curses or something. Then Zoe and Inara came. Cool. I'm not used to seeing Inara like that. She was once a beautiful and elegant lady. Always a sight to see. Even among hundreds of thousands of companions she would stand out. Don't get me wrong, she's still stunning. Guess I'm just used to see her wearing fine dresses not a combat gear. I was used to seeing her lighting incense not throwing flash bombs.

"Where's Kaylee?" Simon asked.

They didn't answer.

"Where is my mechanic! Where's lil Kaylee?" Captain shook Inara.

"I'm sorry Mal, we did everything we could. but she ... "

"Kaylee's at the bridge Captain." Zoe answered.

" *some chinese curse words* poor Kaylee. ... Did you shoot her in the head?" Jayne asked Zoe.

No answer.

"Zoe!" Captain shouted. "did you?!"

"No sir. I tried."

"What? Why? ... You know damn well what would reavers do to her. You should've taken the shot!"

Everybody was shouting at everybody. It was like they have turned into reavers themselves minus the cannibalism at raping part. I've never felt so sad and so scared in my life.

"SSHHhh ... Kaylee's here. she's got the catalyzer" River said.

"Oh shut up you nutjob *more chinsese curse words*" Jayne said.

"No power in the verse could stop me." River murmured. then she ran to the door and Kaylee was there all bloody and wounded.

"You don't think I'd just let my baby girl die now, did ya Cap'm." Kaylee faintly said and smiled.

The other crew helped her get to me. Kaylee looked at me and said "That's my good girl." then the pain was gone.

the end.

I woke up at about 3 in the morning and I couldn't get back to sleep anymore. Too bad. It was such a nice dream. Except Writing it like this right now made me realize ... Damn, was I Serenity's fucking engine in the story? Oh well, the pain did go away.

I don't know if I made much sense. I don't even think the stories are related. If they are ... well, It's kind of weird and creepy and sort of ... gross.

anyway ... here's my dream home at year 2517 :D

In pain :/

I wish I could be someone else right now.

Someone who cannot feel what I'm feeling.

I've never been in so much pain.

God I hate this!

I know this will pass. I know this will pass.

Maybe if could get some sleep.

Maybe when I wake up it'll be gone.

the pain will be gone.

I've never been in such pain before.

Maybe if I could sleep for three days straight. ...

God I sincerely wish I am a boy right now ... even just for three days.

Deal Breaker

So ... that really broke the deal, huh?

It's okay. No worries.

It's just that I thought things are going ... you know ... well.

We started having longer talks. sometimes they're getting a bit more personal and I was actually enjoying it. Enjoying it to the point where I started questioning myself.

Do I really want this? ...

...and ... Yes, ... I realized that it was exactly what I want.

But then, you told me about that girl from last year with the sad stories and all. I thought I should just back the hell off and leave. I thought that was the more decent thing to do. I wasn't looking for anything as serious as what you were apparently looking for. So I thought I should back off and I did.

I thought I was doing the right thing. But disappearing like that felt so wrong. avoiding you like that felt so damn wrong. I mean, I couldn't just ignore your messages forever. plus, I know how it feels to be on your end --to be the one being avoided.

Funny. I told my friend that it's okay. that it's not a big deal. well, ... It is okay and this really isn't that big of deal ... but this sure is something. ... I won't lose sleep over it. but yeah, I must admit I can't get it off my head. I guess that is why I'm writing about it now. I figured, after this it'll be out and it won't bother me anymore.

so ... that really broke the deal, huh?

Now I won't play victim here. Believe me when I say I have no hard feelings.

I knew that could be a deal breaker the moment I decided bend the truth a little. I convinced myself I wasn't lying. because I wasn't ... nah! who am I kidding? ... there was a clear deception. I may not have done it intentionally at first ... but I didn't make it clear either. ... I had all the chance to do it.

I can't be totally honest with people. I don't know why but there's just something comforting in the idea that I get to keep something for myself and myself only. I didn't think it was possible but there are some people who actually got past that protective layer I put to keep them at a certain distance. and now they just see me. they just know me ... know me so well. know me more than I wanted them to. Sometimes it's making me feel uneasy, sometimes it scares me. But then again it gives me this weird sense of relief knowing that I won't have to lie (well, not all the time at least) because they already know my mess anyway.

So when I become totally honest with a person, or at least try to be. that means something. It's not as easy as it seems. not for me anyway. Especially to someone I barely even know, haven't even met.

oh well. I understand. that's the kind of baggage you wouldn't wanna be carrying right now. guess not yet. or maybe not ever. but it's okay that baggage was for me to carry and I don't intend on sharing it with anyone anyway.

so ...

I guess that's it. It was fun while it lasted.

have a good life

Dear Universe,

I'm sorry about last time. I was angry, I know you understand. I know what a hard headed brat I've been. I'm not proud of that. I guess I was just upset and deeply ... idk, hurt or something. I never understood why you seem to enjoy messing me up. Aren't I messed up enough as it is? I know I always say how much I hate you for bitch-slapping me every chance you get. But you must know, looking back, I wouldn't have it any other way. I know I am not without fault. But you must understand that when my emotions are running high I tend to forget what rationality is. I'm sorry I wasn't thinking. not clearly, anyway.

Those were the most awful weeks of my life. All of a sudden I was left on my own. I haven't got a single clue on what was I supposed to do. I was a total mess. And just when I felt I needed my friends the most, you conveniently made them unavailable for me. I was so close to breaking down. I didn't feel my family's support. My best friend was too busy to give me even just a minute of her time. My other best friends ... well, they have their own thing going on. I was so frustrated. No matter how hard I try there was always something wrong in everything I do. I couldn't help but think ... God! Am I really this dumb?

I used to always have somebody to turn to. If one friend is not available someone will surely be. I guess that's the upside of having a lot of them. But those weeks ... they were just ... gone. I understand why. I don't take any of it against them. I just hated your fucking timing. Problems come and go. Some I handle effortlessly and some ... well, you know how it is. I despised you for taking them away all at the same time. I needed them. I fucfking needed them. ... or so I thought.

What I failed to realize at that time was I needed to be left alone. What I failed to realize was that I wanted them to be there. I didn't actually need them. I failed to realize that I needed myself more than I anyone at that time. Now I understand. well, sort of.

I was so miserable because I experienced the one thing I was so afraid of. That was my problem. I didn't see it until now. The problem is I was left alone. But that's over now. I'll be lying if I say I'm totally fine. I'm not .. at least not yet. But I will be ... probably soon.

I have only a year left before graduation. Soon we'll take different paths. I must take mine alone. They won't always be there for me. I won't be for them either. I must get used to that. I guess what happened was some sort of a practice for me. for that, Mr. (or Mrs ... or Ms.) Universe THANK YOU.

I guess this is truce ... at least for now. I know you'll be bitch-slapping me again when my guards are down. but I also know that when you do that ... You'll have a damn good reason for it. you know how easily I get confused so if you could, please stop sending me scrambled signs. The ones that you sent me last time, They really messed me up. BIG TIME. So I guess just to be safe. I won't be taking any of it into consideration. Keep them in your pocket sir, I won't be needing them anymore. and just so you know, I already disregarded the one you sent a couple of weeks ago.

I know I can't be even half as good a writer as you are. So, I guess it's okay to let you write the story of my life just as long as I have the final say :D ... see you in our next fight ... but for now I must say that at least for today I love you :D

ps:

please don't ruin Tuesday for us. I'll count on that :D

Sincerely yours,

your brat frenemy ... Camille

:D